#procrastinaiton

me: *screams*

So I have been having a terrible day thus far.  I am realizing now, as I begin to work my way through my third year in college, that I have terrible time management skills and that I lack the ability to prioritize my work.  I get stressed out and deal with that stress by procrastinating and working very hard to accomplish tasks that are not time sensitive and spend hours of precious time doing activities and accomplishing work that simply is not important at that very moment instead of working on the tasks at hand.  For example, last night I had a huge to do list.  Too huge.  I set myself up for disappointment by making a list of tasks that was humanely impossible to complete.  I have a large Calculus exam tomorrow and today I had a Chemistry lab (which has a lot of prep work to be completed).  I know that every Thursday I have to have my previous week’s lab report and my prelab questions on WebAssign completed, and the procedures for the upcoming lab written down in my lab manual.  These facts do not change and thus I should not be surprised on Wednesday nights when these tasks must have been completed.  However, every week, I procrastinate completing these tasks until late on Wednesday and I stress myself out and stay up until 5 in the morning and rush to class and am always late.  Why?  Why not prep over the course of the week?  Why not eliminate the stress and do little bits everyday to make it easier to accomplish?  WHY? Because I am a piece of shit!

No.  Thats not why.  I am so stressed out and overwhelmed and overworked and not prioritizing my needs in a way to accomplish time sensitive tasks first, before working on other goals.  I did not need to organize and decorate the file folders that I have all my lab reports kept in.  They do not need to have a red “x” at the top to signify a completed file.  I do not need to write down the contents of the file on the inside flap with the color coded marker.  These are all things to do AFTER the actual lab report is completed!

So, I was late for my lab and I forgot my equipment and I didn’t do the prelab assignment so I will receive a big fat zero for Chemistry Lab this week.  I am not surprised.  I knew that I wasn’t prepared and I knew that I was acting in a way that benefitted my future self and I procrastinated anyway.  I deserve the zero because working my ass off last minute does not make for success.  

Honestly, as I left the Lab this morning after being denied access for tardiness, I (a 20 year old junior in college) cried and called a best friend for support.  But I always recognized that I got what I had deserved.  And yes, I was only 6 minutes late.  Which in the real world maybe is not that significant.  But the expectations for me in this lab are to be on time.  Thus I must be on time.  So instead of continuing this destructive behavior, I am making a conscious choice to work harder at being on time.  Work harder to eliminate my procrastination.  Work harder to be a better student.  I can only be so hard on myself because at the end of the day, I am not defined by this moment in my life.  I am not glued to this personality trait.  I am fluid and I can change myself to fit the model of the best me that I can think of.  So starting now, I am working on being the better me.