#processing a lot

being outside slap when you're high as fuck dude. this fresh air's got me feeling like a philosopher

It just. The most heartbreaking to watch someone you love walk away from the faith and just. Deny any form of absolute truth. Living for themselves. And not only that but to see them enjoying it?? And just. Idk. I’m sad.

thought a lot today about how growing up online fucked me up severely and fucked up my understanding of community and relationship-building and fucked up my understanding of like, how to make connections, especially IRL connections. and how i literally did not deeply and genuinely understand WHY people went to church and did sports and joined after-school clubs until i was like 17 or 18. i literally didn’t understand the concept of like, involving myself in community activities and reaching out and building connections... i spent from like 3rd grade onward totally immersed in these online communities where i could escape from the bullying and social ostracism i faced IRL as a freako spaz hyperactive loud annoying child who did not read social signals properly and had vocally bizarre interests and violated other ppls personal space... like when i realized that i didnt socialize right i just stopped trying because of how much it hurt! i could connect to people online and i would roleplay all day, and when i didnt like the persona id built id craft another. i loved learning things other kids didnt know about, things kids werent supposed to know about, and i loved feeling smarter because my self esteem had been so crushed by how much i was teased and made the butt of jokes. and as a child, that just drew me so much further away from making real life connections with kids my own age. it was so easy to escape. it was so easy to just disappear and move elsewhere online if things werent going well or if i became uncomfortable. and now im an adult and i know how things work and ive stuck to places with more consistency, but im still suffering from how deeply ingrained these things are. i complain about isolation and how lonely i am and how i dont feel a sense of community at my college and i feel isolated as a gay trans person. but you know? i dont fucking go out there and do stuff. i dont do clubs. i dont do groups. i dont sit around and open myself up to interaction at all. i never hang out. i literally go from class, eat food, and go to my room. like fuck, i went out to smoke the other day and i was just relaxing on a bench and a girl stopped by and we talked for 40 minutes. i need to open myself up to it, because im not that kid anymore!!! im enjoyable, im funny, im engaged, i have good stories, and i like to listen. i need to trust in that. i need to physically be out in the world more to be more in touch with my irl community. i need to be more open. i need to be more receptive.

Undergoing a lot of changes and confronting a lot this week. I’m reminding myself how strong I am but also how much I long for support.