#prob.

okay this is something i had to write down, i just couldn´t not. ya don´t have to read it. this is for due south, dunno if that counts as fanfic?

ahem: sfw, Fraser/Kowalski, i don´t know how to discribe this, this takes place somewhat this year or so....

Not this year

every year they take a walk in the snow. sometimes long, when they happend to both have the day off. sometimes short, late in the evening, in the dark, under the stars or low hanging clouds. some years it snowed, softly. soft snowflakes, like kisses, their first kiss so long ago in snow like this. this year there is no walk in the snow.

every year they take food with them. some years they prepared it together, laughing, fooling around in the kitchen, lovingly moking the others favorite foods, kisses marking the end of every sentence. some years one made surprises for the other, prepared alone, with the mind far away in the loved ones arms. for both of them there is a thermos, one with unbearable bitter bark tea and the other with painfully sweet coffee. the tastes hold dear memories from the first kiss, when they couldn´t believe, but still had the taste of the other on their lips. this year the mugs stay at home.

every year they watch the sky, together, holding hands. some years had a clear sky on this special date, some didn´t. it never mattered. together, hands in heavy gloves, the memories were the reason for these walks, not the stars. their first kiss was lighted by the whole milkyway, the light will last forever. this year there are no stars, no food outside, no walk in the snow, only memories for them.

every year, when they came home, with cold faces, hot wispers on their lips, they ended up in the bathtub. that is, when they had one. they lived in more than one house over the years, but always home with the other. some years a narrow shower was all there was. but every year they got in hot water and drank hot chocklate, to chase away the cold.

this year there is no snow, hasn´t been for a week. instead it is raining, day and night, just above freezing, the world has turned into sticky, brown, cold mud. the sky is grey and unfriendly. the fact, that Ray has developed a solid hatred for everyone he deems responsible for the glaring climatic changes in the northern hemisphere, isn´t helping. Dief agrees with him, so Ben is stuck in a week long tirade with him as the only audience. and the only one to hear the entusiastic chearleading of a half-wolf. it´s not that Ben hasn´t tryed to stop him, but to no avail. painstakingly correcting every tiny mistake only caused more anger, making Ray repeat the correct information just made him talking louder and faster (but at least not factually wrong). ignoring had no effect and just agreeing made him feel like he´s just parroting Dief. two couch pillows pressed to the ears got him at least a laugh. from Dief. for half an hour.

now Ray is preparing food, and coffee and tea. they can´t go, not this year. Ben tries his best to pretend he doesn´t see Ray in the kitchen. the complains disapear somewhere in the house and Ben goes investigating.

the kitchen is empty. the sound of running water comes from the bathroom.

Ben opens the bathroom door with too much force, ready to stop whatever is going on here. but when he sees Ray and the room, he just stops. mouth open, eyes wide. the lights are out, but it´s not dark.

“Now, Ray...” he loses his thought. Ray has lit the cerosin lamp, the one they had with them on the adventure, put it next to the tub on a box. the food, the mugs all around the lamp. an indoor picnic.

lit from below, only in jeans, Ray looks like an otherworldly vision. golden hair dusting his skin, shadows marking wirey muscels. still as gorgeous as the day they met in the bullpen, hundreds of miles ago and an eternaty away. hair gotten grayer, face a bit wrinkly, smile the same.

Ben stands still, the moment frozen in time. his love for Ray, knowing he is loved back, filles his heart, his throat and mouth. he can´t say anything. Benton Fraser, able to explain the mating habits of god-knows-what-bugs down to the last footnote, cannot - if his life depended on it - tell the love of his life that he considers him the best thing that has ever happend to the loneliest mountie in chicago. Ray hears him anyway.

the spell is brocken when Dief makes a run with not one but two semi-frozen doughnots. Ray yells a protest, Ben fails to stop their live-in menace. they laugh and start undressing.