#pro8lematic

Kanaya and Eridan slip into the Helmsblock with no problem, and you had already made sure that the security cameras would be fed the looped recording of the empty block. As Kanaya moves to cut the cables connecting Sollux to the ship, you smoothly switch the power to auxiliary and suppress the alert. As they prepare to leave the room, you simultaneously disconnect the outside guard from the ship's internal communications and cause a piercing noise to emit from his headset directly into his ears, disorienting him to allow Eridan and Kanaya, who is carrying Sock, to kill the guard and get out of there.

As the three of them move from corridor to corridor, you replace the live camera feeds with looped videos, warning them of nearby patrolling guards. It becomes routine, the communication disconnection and the simultaneous disorientation of the guards, allowing Eridan easy aim, but the three of them are lucky to not run into that many. You want to believe that it'll be this easy all the way through, that they'll get off the ship and onto Vriska's intercepter without being noticed until it's too late, but you suddenly notice that some of the crew has found the body of the Helmsblock guard and they've no doubt seen the empty helming rig. Fuck.

TT: Bad news. TT: We've been found out.

Hopefully, Kanaya is checking her messages.

You activate one of Sollux's viruses, killing the Starscreech's ability to communicate outside of the ship with the rest of the Empire. Then, you lock and jam all of the doors of off-shoot rooms that lead into the corridors Eridan, Kanaya, and Sollux will pass through. You can hear some of them banging on the doors, cursing about it through the microphones inside the rooms—useless to them for outside communication.

This is what you've been giddy about the entire time, your systems tell you: The prospect of making a series of shitty references to 2001: A Space Odyssey as part of your name bit–but it's all in good fun, even if the poor trolls of this ship are going to die as a result. Alarming thought, yet again, but you decide you'll dwell on it once this whole thing is over. The vestiges of one's own moral crises can wait.

The plan was to wait until Eridan, Kanaya, and Sollux were off the ship before you started killing the crew, but you have to buy them time. That's part of the reason you got involved in this plan in the first place—buying them enough time to get off the ship and out of here. You start cutting off the oxygen supply in random sectors of the Starscreech, beginning with the ones that would pose the most risk to your companions.

TT: I've locked all doors of rooms that have crew members in them. Should weaken your opposition a bit. TT: But, you might have some company, soon. TT: Move quickly.

Something goes wrong with Eridan. You don't pay close attention, but his eye definitely shouldn't look like that.

* * *

Once the three of them are off the ship, you deploy all of Sollux's viruses, obliterating the Starscreech's ability to navigate itself manually and obnoxiously freezing all of the monitors and interfaces with a certain, duplicating image.

The ship refuses to turn in accordance to the pilots' wishes, maintaining its stubborn straightward path despite the escaping interceptor. Instantaneously, as you deploy the viruses, you also cause the auxiliary power of the Starscreech to fuck itself up—somehow. You're surprised that you're able to do it yourself. You shut off the oxygen completely, but you can't really do anything about the backup oxygen masks. about. If only you could reference Portal, too.

The surviving crew, which is of a larger percentage than you had hoped, must've figured you out by now. You concede that the shitty images of Troll Dave from Troll A Space Odyssey was too much of a self-expose. A few of the trolls of the Starscreech talk over each other, and you read their lips—realizing that they're going to start up a forced shut down the non-essential systems of the ship. Fuck. You should probably get out of here, now. The one-way signal that Vriska left up for you is basically beckoning you, but you're worried–if you leave too earlier, the whole mission might be compromised.

You test if you can forcibly open the landing station to expose the interior of the ship to the unforgiving landscape of outer space, but they must've already circumvented you there. You have to go, or you'll probably be stuck here forever. Well, nothing always turns out completely perfectly.

You connect yourself to Vriska's signal, uploading yourself, and say goodbye to the Starscreech, deleting any trace of your presence.

“I’m here at the Houston Zoo in Houston, Texas, on the planet Earth and I just fed that tall creature, which is called a Maasai giraffe, some lettuce, which is a crunchy snack. The lettuce Vriska is holding is called iceberg lettuce, and it is made up of up to 96% water!”

[Vriska visibly tenses as the giraffe puts its lips into her hand to crunch at some more of the lettuce. The difference between the relaxed, neutral look on the giraffe’s face right up against Vriska’s tense posture is absolutely hilarious. The camera doesn’t pick anything up on mic, but one can vaguely read the words too fucking tall on Vriska’s lips, even from the profile shot.]

“Maasai giraffes are the tallest of nine subspecies of giraffe, which is native to Tanzania, as well as parts of Kenya and Zambia, all of which are part of the southeastern portion of the continent of Africa! Maasai giraffes are the tallest land animals on the planet Earth, and they are this height so they can eat their favored food, acacia leaves, right off of the tree. They can eat up to 75 pounds of leaves a day!”

“Great.”

[The giraffe has finished its snack and the camera pans over to Vriska as she repeatedly wipes her prosthetic hand off on her jeans, making a semi-disgusted face as they step off of the platform together to make way for the next few folks.]

“Vriska, did you know that some ancient humans, upon seeing a giraffe for the first time, thought they were a cross between a creature called a camel and a big spotted cat called a leopard?”

“No.”

“They called them camelopardalis because of that! Isn’t that amazing?”

“I don’t know. Shouldn’t something that tall be extinct already? If it needs to eat 80 pounds of food every day.”

“You should pick the next place we go on the map!”

[The camera fumbles a little as Kanaya hands off a neatly folded pamphlet, which Vriska unfolds while sighing.]

“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

“Umm… maybe we can check out the bug house? I read online that their Asian forest scorpion had little scorplings a few months ago. I wonder if they are still there?”

“I guess we can go find out. The ice cream place is near there, anyway.”

“Sure! Okay, um, say hi! Before I turn this off!”

[Kanaya crouches quickly enough that their massive height difference isn’t evident by the time they’re both on camera, and she’s smiling wide, face a little flushed from the cold. Vriska blows hair out of her face and shrugs a little, smiling almost by accident.]