#privates

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have to break up with you and that it’s really going to fucking suck

Whenever I feel depressed, I want to break up and that’s not right, right?

Whenever you mention a future together with kids, I panic and that’s not right, right?

When we talked about hypothetically getting engaged right then and there, you said you would and I did too but I was scared on the inside and that’s not right

When I say I love you I feel affection for you but my heart doesn’t beat faster, i don’t blush when you look at me

When we hold hands in public I panic because I feel like people will see, and that’s not how someone feels when they’re in love with their partner

Was I ever in love with you?

I really hope so

But it’s even worse knowing that I fell out of love

Is it selfish that I want to stay close to you? I want to still talk to you, I want to care for you, I want to be in your life but I’m so fucking sorry that I can’t be the one you marry

But I hide things from you - that’s not love, if i was in love with you there would be no need to hide anything from you at all and that’s not right

I wish I was what you wanted

I wish you were what I wanted

I’m so happy that you know what you want. You want children in before 30, you want a career that’s financially stable, you want to be married before then.

I don’t, and it breaks me that I can’t see a future with you because I can’t even see my own future

So how can we be together if I don’t even know what I want?

I’m sorry that I told you we sometimes felt more like best friends than girlfriends when you were away, hoping and convincing myself you would agree but you started crying and then I realised I was wrong, because you’re in love with me

I wish I could do this without hurting you, but I know it will and I’m so sorry that it will

I want us to stay best friends, because I’m selfish and I’m afraid of losing you but I’m even more afraid of hurting you by keeping you close

I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to sweep all my concerns under the rug anymore, but then I couldn’t and now I’m not ready for our dynamic to change tomorrow, but I know that I can’t stay with you

I’m even more worried that I’ll stay with you and we will get married, and we will have kids and I will regret not leaving you earlier for you to find someone who can love you more than I could ever imagine

Everyone around us told us how strong we are, how we seem like we will last forever and i believed them because we get along so well

but when you cry i don’t know how to comfort you properly and feel detached, when you are anxious i hold my breath until it’s finally over and hope you go back to normal again, so i can leave and go home and spend time by myself

When I wake up in the morning, I wait until you message me good morning first because I’d rather go on the internet than talk to you. you are not the first thing i think of in the morning