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There are some ghosts you can never be rid of. There is not enough salt or holy water or love to keep this one from coming back. I wish there was. I wish there was something that kept me from seeing his face echoed in mine. I wish there was some way I could live without feeling his hand wrapped around my neck, his claws in my skin in every choice I make.
Why can't I forget him? Why can't I exist as someone without him?
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HA. Oh, how easy it is to slip back into old patterns! To watch yourself make the same mistakes in a heartbeat! Sickening. Disgusting. You would leap at the chance for a scrap of affection, you would turn yourself inside out if it meant you were chosen. You are the last resort. You are never going to be the first person he thinks of, ever.
You know better than this. You have sobbed these same tears before. And you are a fool for allowing yourself to do so again. You only make a mistake once. And here you are, over and over and over again, sweeps of the same stupid choice.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
How old was Phylus when he started fooling around with me? Not like it makes any of this better. It might make things worse, actually...
I do my best ta pay attention ta the people I care for.
You are actually full of shit. You only pay attention when it benefits you.
He's being so fucking cordial I can't scream at him when he's being 20% less piece of shit than normal.
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Be brave, I say. Be brave. What's braver, though? Tearing him apart, or stopping myself from doing so?
