#primary partners

Hiya! That’s okay, you’re not being offensive. My answer is going to be kind of complex, but I’m glad you asked. I am delighted when people want to learn!First of all - your question does have a couple of pretty big assumptions in it. First, the idea that everyone who is polyamorous has a primary partner. A lot of poly people practice non-hierarchical polyamory, which means they don’t name a given partner as “primary” and don’t prioritize one person above the other at all times. Second, not every poly person starts from a vantage point of opening up a monogamous relationship. For example, I was single when I decided I was polyamorous. So the question of “is this about my primary partner not being enough?” wouldn’t have even been a question that made sense to ask, in my situation, because I didn’t have a partner at all (let alone a primary partner) when I started dating as a poly person.But I’ll also go on to try to answer your question from the perspective of people who are coupled. I’m in two relationships now, one of 1+ year and one of 4+ years. When I’ve been seeking new relationships, the idea of my existing partner(s) not being “enough” isn’t even a way that I thought about things. The way I see things is rather that each person operates as an individual who can bring joy and fulfillment to the lives of others. Rather than starting with a space in my life that can be filled with love – and seeking people to fill it until it reaches, say, 100% – I see myself as already being at 100% (I am complete all on my own), and every person I connect with is also at 100% and thus we just add to each other’s lives when we join up. That being said, people do absolutely meet (or not meet) each other’s needs in relationships. A lot of poly people believe that it isn’t even possible for just one person to meet all of another person’s needs. From that perspective, you could say that one person isn’t “enough.” And some poly people even do frame things that way, but when they do, that isn’t inherently a negative – they use it as a way to view polyamory as something that enriches everyone’s lives, rather than a reflection on someone’s shortcomings. I think the idea that I can’t fulfill 100% of someone’s needs is a shortcoming only if I believe that it is (a) even possible to do, and (b) a responsibility that I have in a relationship that my value depends on. I don’t believe it’s my responsibility to fulfill all of someone’s needs; instead, I try frame things for myself (and to my partners) in terms of what I can offer, and if what I’m offering can meet enough of the needs they have that our relationship is worth their while, then we’re a good match!So, when you say “if my bf ever asked to open the relationship I would be deeply hurt because to me that means that we are broken,” you are operating from the perspective of assuming that it’s possible for one person to meet all of another person’s needs; similarly important to note, you’re also operating from a perspective of assuming that “meeting unmet needs” is the only reason someone would seek out more partners. I can feel like all of my basic needs are met and still want new partners, because people are awesome, and I like having the freedom to explore what kind of relationship I’m going to have with someone without having constraints put on it by others. And that’s the main reason I’m poly.The way I see it, your perspective on what makes a relationship broken or not-broken isn’t wrong, just like mine also isn’t. We just have different metrics on which we judge functionality & success of relationships.I dunno if that helped clear anything up or not, haha. Please feel free to write again if you have more questions or want to clarify anything! Thanks again for writing!

Anna

Brian

 Anna:  Oh yea yea, me too.  I’m just saying that normally if we had gotten together and we had been monogamous, you’d be the first person I’d ever slept with and would sleep with forever!

Interviewer: When jealousy arises, how do you deal with it? Brian: We talk it through and it’s really tough. I think something we’ve learned is at least for me; I can’t have a great discussion about it when I’m feeling it strongly. It’s such an irrational feeling and emotion, that I realize I have to take some time and come back to it. A day later or something it’s like “Who was that crazy person”? And I’m not an insanely jealous monster but it can cloud you. Anna: I try to do that as well: to sit with it and wait for a little while before I bring it up. Because it’s such a raw emotion. I like to process everything, but I also have a big need to talk about everything. I try to write my thoughts down or try to deal with on my own first so I can be more logical and rational about them. Its’ such an intense emotion. It’s unlike any other emotion I’ve ever felt, so intense and really physical. It’s animalistic or something. It’s really crazy to experience. Brian: For me it’s usually about feeling left out. I don’t really get possessive so it’s either feeling inadequate or feeling left out. I never feel that “mine” feeling. I’m realizing that there are different types of jealousy and because I’ve never felt some kinds I’d think, “I’m so cool and I don’t have this issue”. But I do. And the other thing is that when we talk, you figure out that “Ok, this is where this feeling is coming from, I felt neglected in this way or we haven’t talked this thing through”. You can just coach each other on how to deal with it. Interviewer: Meeting people together and scheduling, have you had to juggle and make an effort to make sure you have time the two of you have time to reconnect? Brian: It’s pretty crucial. We need one night every week or two where we just do nothing. Where we’ll be at one person’s place in bed, snuggling and watching TV. We both need relaxing time. Anna: We’re both introverts. Brain: We need that time to just chill out and we can do that together (which has never been the case with me). Anna: Yea me neither.

And the adventure continues! 👍

DLCC post #333! 😇

And the adventure continues! 👍