#pretrail

Few Clouds, 36°F

6522-6528 Phinney Ave N, Seattle, WA 98103, USA

Originally written at 3:09 AM. Pre trail: HAVIN A LIL BRAIN TORNADO. Getting drunk at a work event? Who am I even.

I'm mad that my brain isnt settling enough to rest. There's just so much to do! So much fear to be had. So much to be insecure in! So much stuff to coach myself on. Jealous friends went to Portland? Unnecessary! That's just because you're somehow SOME WAY still insecure in your relationships, dummy. Mad that you probably could have stepped into a job making 6-figures? Well, maybe that's a bit justified but like... you hate that place so maybe not.

But then there's PCT thoughts. I woke up with heat flash literally and actually cold sweat and weird heart THROBS that were for a reason unknown. Turns out it was pooping. And I keep my cool but like, how do I manage that on trail? Where I fully believe I'm dying. How! What if a bee stings me? That's new. Obviously I'll die by that too.

Someone posted a picture of the car dropping them off at the border and mentioning "You know it's real when the car drives off." And I legit already feel this. How? How do I go from so strongly wanting something to having gut wrenching doubt. Exciting pendulum swings in all the things up in this noggin!

Like, AMANDA GET OUT IF YOUR HEAD. YOU WANT THIS. If I can get OUT of my head I can do anything imaginable but I'm so afraid of fucking this up because of metal swirl. Isn't this what meditation and therapy is supposed to have helped? Isn't that literal thought exactly what the meditation app told me not to expect? Lol my brain is full of shitty contradictions.

Officially 5 weeks 6 days. I hope my anxiety lets me sleep more before this.

Edit: now that I finally fell back asleep I wake up and see the sunrise was epic. Seems like punishment to me. Funny how easy it is to take situations and use guilt and coincidence to create some self hate.