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AUTHORIZATION COMPLETE. ACCESS GRANTED: UNTITLED: DATE ENCRYPTED. 03:05:00 AM The red light on the camera illuminated and blinking signaling the recording of the vlog Yoongi had started. He was just looking at the camera right now making sure it was recording he hadn't started speaking yet. He rubbed the back of his neck, he wasn't sure if this was going to work but this was the best he could do at this point. All he could do was talk. "I don't know when it got hard but I feel so disconnected now. I'm not happy doing this and I don't know why." He started off with a low tone as he couldn't even speak this out loud when he was alone. "Despite the hospital visits and getting sick, I feel okay but it still hurts. Not my side, but my body feels so exhausted. I feel this both physically and mentally it's tiring more so than rewarding. I thought after nearly three going on four years it would be easier." He paused and swallowed before he spoke again. "This is even with debut I thought that was all I wanted but as this year pushes on I see this wasn't the case. I don't know if I want to be here anymore?" The male stopped talking trying to get his thoughts together. His long fingers moving to pull of the snap back off his head and run his fingers through the short strands of his mahogany colored locks. The tips padding along his scalp for a brief moment as he tried to think into what he was saying. The conversation was raw and unrehearsed, he was use to speaking to the camera. He didn't know if this was going to be posted - if anything he knew in his heart it couldn't be. At this point it wasn't about what he wanted it was about what was best for his team and for his success. But he wasn't happy and deep in those brown eyes anyone could see the fear of questioning his success so far. It wasn't that Bangtan wasn't doing great but they certainly weren't the best and they hadn't been a break out group within the big three. They were starting with so little and working so hard and as the male said before he didn't know if he would do this again if given a second chance. "I miss Daegu. I miss the underground. I miss being able to produce in my room without critical analysis on how I look and what I am doing every minute. Monitoring of my looks, me and my behavior. I miss the times where it was only about the music." The male stopped again looking down and around as he rubbed his left arm squeezing the muscle of his bicep then his lips parted to expelled a light breath. "We had this understanding in the underground, it was about the music. Everything was about the music. Idol life isn't only about the music...it's just...so much more. The surface matters as much as the depth. Where one wrong note can damage a song, one hair out of place can damage your whole image before they even get to your hear your song. It wasn't like that in the underground." He hums and breathes out a neared muted groan with the thought. "We all came from trying to see each other but how we mastered sound and creation of pleasing music, beats and lyrics. The story was in your music not in your music and looks. But, I guess, it comes with that. Your look becomes your story more so than your music. I understand why they call us sellouts but I don't see the difference between what we are doing. It's just...harder." Yoongi stopped there for some reason thinking about this made the anxiety build in his heart when he thought about the fans and how critical they were as an idol but how he was ignored as underground. It was still the art of pushing your brand on both ends nothing was different it was just harder being an idol. As selfish as that sounded it was the truth in his eyes. His fingers tapped the desktop and eyes gazed around the small closet like studio he was sharing with the others. He had so many responsibilities but he couldn't see why they should out weigh what he was thinking right now. "All I can say is I feel like I should go back, no." He stopped there the words were stuck on his tongue dry like peanut butter with no water in sight. He swallowed his adam's apple feeling as if it was locking in his throat, like he shouldn't say this out loud as if the consequences would hit him immediately. And yet, he still let them leave his lips, his weakness in his preservation spoken aloud. "I want to go back to it. The underground. The tight knit family we created despite the fame to name, I miss working like that. I miss the comfort of producing in my bedroom even though things were hard, it was complicated but things are complicated now. It's the same as before but difficult and draining and I don't know..." Yoongi's head dropped down, he felt like crying right now but he couldn't. Even the tears wouldn't push themselves from his eyes that's how tired he was. No tears but a rough sniffle that would make anyone assume Yoongi was in tears. "I just don't want to do this anymore." There was a long pause as the male collected himself, the emotions overflowing him now. The anxiety winning out over his usual unbothered demeanor. The attack seemed calmer but he felt as if he was being stabbed repeatedly. His body was shaking despite being still. Overcoming and overwhelming. Wanting to scream and not being able to. Yoongi was a mess, his life was a mess. He had thought he could do this but it wasn't working out. He was so consumed by thoughts, fear and stress. And he felt violated but numb at the same time. Everything felt so wrong. Another rough sniff as he looked up again. He looked at the camera, his gaze was glazed in a way the attack settling but still radiating. Even then he still couldn't cry. "I know this isn't what you want to hear but I don't know what else to say. I don't like this and I'm lying when I say I do. I don't know what I need or what I want but this... isn't it. I miss the freedom, I miss my craft and I miss the feeling that what I create is how I am being judge and this isn't where that matters. I can't do this." With that, Yoongi was reaching to stop the camera before he placed his head down, succumbing to the physical demands of his anxiety as he was just want to stop his thoughts once again.
