#preach hard

it's 11:18 PM, and i have been locked in my room attempting to fall asleep since 10:00 or so, and this is going to be poorly written. i'm tired as crap, but i think the reason that i am having difficulty falling asleep is due to the fact that i feel extremely guilty for the way i behaved today. i'm ashamed of who i was today. this entire week, in my prayers and in my scripture studies and in my time with God, He has revealed so much to me that i am just SO excited to share with my friends and to people i love and just with people in general. it's weighing heavily on my heart, but in a good way, in the anxious/i cannot WAIT for this way. and despite all the sucky, frustrating, disappointed things that happened in my feeble human relationships this week, i have not been able to put the gospel of Christ to the back of mind. this week, with Christ at the center of my thoughts, i felt like i was floating. cheesy, but true. it was great!

a friend and i decided that we were going to have a little bible study at the beach saturday morning and that we would invite some other friends, not all of whom are familiar with the bible or jesus at all, and we would just talk about the gospel for a few hours. wonderful, right? all these great thoughts and perspectives in my head that i am just dying to share with people who are curious and who i can pray over and who i can love. things started to go downhill around wednesday night. and thursday. and today. i am continually unable to control my gossiping, slanderous, lying, harsh tongue. i can't keep my mouth shut. i talk over other people. i talk endlessly about myself. i don't say things with love. i'm rude, i'm proud, i am impatient. it's shameful. tonight, when i got in bed, i was reflecting on the way i'd so terribly treated my friends and my family today, bitterly remembering the words and tones i'd used and realizing that i am hurtful. i'm not as gentle or as kind or as selfless as i'd not only like to be but that i know as a follower of Christ and one who wants to imitate him, should be.

i just sort of sat in my bed for a full hour mentally beating myself up. who am i to talk to anyone about Christ? who am i to teach anyone about the gospel? i MYSELF still need to learn the gospel, because clearly my faith is not begetting a genuine change in my heart, if i have not consistently love and meekness and kindness. and then, two verses that i hadn't thought about in months (maybe even longer) randomly just ran through my mind. 2 corinthians 5:17 (if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. the old has passed away; behold, the new has come) and galatians 2:20 (i have been crucified with christ. it is no longer i who lives, but Christ in me). which in turn led to me remembering something in romans 6 i had read this morning, romans 6:4 (we were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life) and 1 corinthians 15:20 (but in fact christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep). 

i could feel tears welling in my eyes when i acknowledged this: the me, the FORMER me, the me i was feeling so ashamed of - she's dead. she's gone. Christ killed her on the cross. that elise bergerson was crucified with Christ.

and by God's grace and great love, she has the hope of resurrection, of new life, of walking in newness of life, as Christ has. as paul says in romans 6:2, we are dead to sin. how can we live in it any longer? i no longer live as a prisoner to sin, i am free. Christ has freed me from my sin, i have an escape from my sinful, wicked, selfish ways. and it gets even better - i barrage myself for continually failing, for continually behaving sinfully wickedly and selfishly. but Christ new that i would. God knew that i would. God knew that i was going to fail, often, and yet, while i was yet a sinner, Christ died for me. the wrath for what i've done is gone, it is completely poured out, there is no more. that's how far Christ went because he loves me. God wanted me so desperately that He paid for me with His son's life. think about the immensity of that love. we can't even comprehend it! and let me reiterate because seriously, how awesome is this, i have been buried with Christ, i have been crucified with him, i have become dead to sin; elise bergerson, the sinner trapped in her sin, trapped by the law, is gone. the new elise walks in new life with Christ and she is free. just pause and consider that for a moment. nothing now stands between me and my Father, my sins are as far as the east is from the west, all because of Christ and how far he went for me and because of this i can rise every day and acknowledge the fact that i am a new creation, i am dead to my sin, and every day i must remember the gospel and how i am living the gospel and that i must share the good news with everyone.