#practie

I’m thinking about documenting my trial and error journey to whatever form of artistic rehabilitation this has been. I’ve noticed that a lot of it has become reprogramming myself to fade old habits into new ones through a sort of gradual replacement process.

Learning to sit down and just do the thing has been a process. It’s strange because it used to be almost as though my life revolved around art-making in the past. What happened? Learning to be kind to myself in getting back to it has also been a process.

I’ve also been working on a larger-scale painting. Here it is in progress.

It’s a lot easier for me to be a consumer than a creator despite every fibre of my being pushing me to make things. I need to emote. I need to express. I’m overflowing with things I want to talk about, stores I want to tell, reactions, commentary, etc.

I’ve gotten a new digital imaging program. I was formally trained on Adobe programs but they decided to become landlords who charge monthly rent instead of letting you buy your software the way they used to. I pay to power my saw or sander but I don’t pay a monthly fee to rent them. I paid for my tools. This has been especially demoralizing because digital post-production is a part of my process. It’s been a tremendous hurdle in sharing my work. Learning how to use the new software is also a hurdle I’m learning to overcome. I keep sitting here thinking, “omg, am I old?? Please let this be because it’s completely backward and not because I’m becoming some Tech Grandparent.” I learn best by doing and by being able to ask questions. Forums make the uptake difficult. I’m working hard regardless. Again, the emphasis is being kind to myself.

I still have a job that has me working 60 hour weeks. Between generational poverty, student debt, and the cost of living, changing jobs isn’t feasible right now. The best I can do is find time when I can find time so that I can do what I need to do to take care of my mental health.