On September 20, today marking two weeks, Hurricane María made landfall in my island of Puerto Rico. Although terrible my experience with the Hurricane and it's aftermath, I don't want to come here and talk about the physical damage it made, but rather the extreme toll on my mental health.
After Hurricane Irma, that hit the island two weeks prior María, I had managed to maintain stability and push through 11 days without power and 12 days of only seeing my family members and not going crazy (lol). But, after Hurricane María, the story changed, too much.
I live with my older brother and grandmother. I was feeling trapped in my house because I couldn't actually go out since a lamppost had fallen and the high tension electric cables were blocking the gate. Feelings of anxiety were slowing piling up, and then came along some feelings of depression. Even after the lamppost was removed and the cables moved, there wasn't anywhere to go because streets hadn't been cleaned out and we had to save on gas in case we had to drive because of an emergency.
My bother was toying around with the idea of buying a power plant, since it's going to take months to restore power on the island (even though the progress so far is fairly quick so far). He asked me if I could pitch in half the money to buy one, which initially I said yes to, but upon better decision making, I opted out because I ultimately can't afford even half a power plant, nonetheless it's maintenance, oil and gasoline needed to power it. That was the moment when it all fell apart for me.
After me opting out, my brother started being verbally aggressive towards me and staring at me with eyes that I had only seen before in the eyes of my uncle - when I used to live with him, he verbally and mentally abused me since being a little kid.
After that, I constantly have panic attacks and I find myself crying in little moments of the day. I can't call a friend because telecommunications still have not been restored. I can't go out because streets are too crowded and either places are still closed or lines are too long for anything and also I get more anxious when I'm around too many people. I can't contact my psychologist or go to their office. Communicating with friends and trusted people is very hard. I tried calling my local mental health/suicide prevention hotline and even though I made the call and they picked up, I couldn't talk because i find it hard to express verbally my feelings and more so to a stranger.
Every day I feel too overwhelmed with simple tasks, and my chest feels tight and my headaches are constant, and even sometimes a thought of self harm flutters through my mind that I end up ignoring.
I'm only sharing this experience to show the other side of the coin. News talk about the physical loses, but many people have lost themselves too during this catastrophe.
Even though my house didn't suffer any damage, I am still a victim Hurricane María and it's chaos.
