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So obviously this blog has been a place for me to reblog random pictures, write random posts, you know the usual. But it has also been kind of like an open book for me too....
I believe that is totally what blogs are for. For me, I journal my truly personal things in an actual journal. When I am battling a really hard bout with depression or anxiety, or when I have prayers that I feel like I need to write down as well, not just pray about, those things get written down in ink. But I know that yall can tell when I am going through phases based on what I reblog, and I also know that this blog is a way for certain people to keep track of me when they aren't around.
As of lately, I have been extremely happy. I am seeing a person that makes me want bounce off the walls, be a dork, be happy, but most importantly be who I am. We aren't a show-offey couple, so I don't post it on Facebook. We don't constantly annoy people by kissing in public (besides a random kiss in the middle of a movie), but we are just us, and it feels so open. I have such a high level of trust with him, and I just feel so secure. We don't see each other everyday, and I think that is great for me, because I tend to go full steam ahead, but this has let me slow down and think about whether I really want to be with him, if I really love him, if I want to put up with his shit.
It is so crazy to think of the spot I was in this time last year. Heartbroken, depressed, having anxiety attacks in the middle of my sleep, recovering from surgery, and trying to prepare myself to be in my best friends wedding. It just amazes me that I could move past that spot. It took a long time, but I did it.
But I do miss Ken, people wonder why because they see him as the "bad guy," but I don't. I want to be his friend. I miss his banter and our debates, and I just want to fucking know how it is going in Taiwan! Sometimes I want to ask him for advice when it comes to work and school, studying for the GRE. He always, always gave me great advice and looked at it very logically and strategically. In a way, it kept me more grounded. I definitely talk to Tom about about all of these things, but we are so similar that sometimes his advice is just what I have been telling myself before I even asked him. We are both dreamers, and I need somebody to keep me to the ground, or I will just fly away with these dreams.
And it just pisses me off when he ignores me for no reason! What did I do that we can't be friends? He said that we were going to be friends, and now that I am truly ready to be friends, we aren't? It doesn't make sense to me.
But all I can do is write this, and hope that he still checks my blog. Because I want him to know that I care about him, that I want to be friends, and I wish would could talk about the cool things he is doing.
