#postgradblues

- your beautiful spirit - how much you love other people - all the good you have done in this world - your partner who loves you - your world-class education - the support of your family and friends - your hard working nature trust that you have done everything in your power to set yourself up for success. now all you can do is find peace in your own patience.

the post grad job hunt is truly the most invalidating experience i've ever gone through. i've never felt more useless and unqualified. i've also never felt like i've wasted my life as much as i do right now. every moment has led up to this. since basically kindergarten. strive to the the star student so you go to college. do well in college to get the degree. have the degree and do what with it????????? i'm sitting here waving around this $30,000 piece of paper that represents my massive debt to uncle sam and everyone i throw my resume at wipes their ass with it and flushes it into the sewer. i'm gonna be okay. i'm gonna make it. i always have. but damn this process makes me feel fucking worthless.

I just can’t with this morning I guess.

I was organizing my Google drive and I found this random unfinished post that I had written right after graduation. I must have gotten sidetracked and totally forgot about it because it cuts off in the middle of a word!! >.> Well anyways, I thought it was a very interesting reflection. So much has changed in the past year but the feelings from that moment haven’t. So here it is… it’s 2:30 am and I’m at home laying in bed typing on my phone. I graduated, and have officially moved out of my apartment. Everything kind of happened in such a flurry that I didn’t get to say goodbye to some people, some whom I may never see again, and I barely even gave my little living space for the past two years a last once over before scampering out my apartment. Now that the dust has settled I can finally take a breath and do some reflecting over the last four years, something I’ll probably be doing a lot, especially during these next two months when I’ll be abroad. It’s kind of hard to accurately describe all the ways I’ve changed and grown in college. People say that this is a time that makes or breaks your faith, and I definitely agree with that sentiment. There were many, many times I had to seriously reevaluate my beliefs and I questioned God’s plans for me more times than I can remember. But I thank Him for teaching me valuable lessons through heartache and struggles, and for providing me with countless brothers and sisters to walk with me through this season of life. I think one of the most important things He has taught me is the power of love, how it can transform you into a true follower of Christ, who showed us ultimate love for us on the cross. I have ached for my unsaved friends and family and spent many hours praying for them. I have fallen in love and learned what it means to cherish someone unconditionally without seeking my own gain. I have learned to show patience and grace towards those who have wronged me, sometimes hurt me seemingly beyond repair, and fought to keep bitterness from clawing its way to my heart. Through my baptism I witnessed how great the love of Christ and His church is for me, and I am reminded of the parable of the lost sheep, where the shepherd rejoices when he reclaims just one of his great herd. I have a couple of big regrets in college, but for the most part my experience has been a positive one. I think I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible, and I’ve also learned there is a lot about me I haven’t even figured out yet. But I think I have grown enough to know what I stand for and I think for the most part I have kept to those ideals I came into college with. One of the hardest things to do was to balance work and play. I really struggled with my major in the beginning and thought about giving up so many times. But I am so glad I persevered through biochemistry instead of switching to a boring major just because it was easier. I learned a lot about God through my studies and my major really taught me what my limits were while also showing me what I was capable of achieving academically. I think that once I figured this out it was much easier not to stress about midterms or grades and what not. Of course, the people I met throughout my time at UCLA I will always remember. I’ll probably forget a lot of their names but not the way that they’ve impacted me. I’m so glad I decided to stick with AACF from start to finish, even though many times it did take a backseat. Like Francis said in his CC, we are a group of imperfect people but I was constantly encouraged by how passionate this body was for Christ. I am thankful for meeting the incredible crew from HS2 who have been my dear friends from day one of college til the very end. Our dynamic has definitely changed a lot since the beginning but I think overall we grew so much closer. I always loved how we would always make time for each other on everyone’s birthdays, and even though it’s only been a day since we’ve seen each other everyone already misses each other, ha. I think this last year in particular I formed some pretty strong friendships. Senioritis +having a car at school = many spontaneous trips and fun times being distracted while studying. I loved how close me and my roommates got, whether it was singing to awful songs like Bound 2, or constantly accidentally whacking each other doing Pilates in the living room. Each study session, Starbucks run, happy hour, gym class, food outing, or plain sit-in-my-room-and-talk-about-life conversation really cemented our friendships in a way I thought I’d only have with my high school CASHJEE friends. There has thankfully been much more laughter than tears through every friendship I’ve made in college, and I will treasure these moments forever.  It ends here…but yeah. Interesting, heh.