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Isle of Dogs: 3/10 Goldblums
Isle of Dogs (2018)
Total Goldblum Rating: 3/10
Jeff Goldblum, member of Wes Anderson’s pack of oddball actors, is Duke, member of Trash Island’s pack of oddball dogs.
Goldblum presence: 3/10
He’s only present for roughly a third of the film, but Duke’s love of gossip helps him stand out among his brethren.
Goldblum hotness: 1/10
He’s a dog.
Goldbluminess: 4/10
Why a Husky? Why not a Great Dane, or a Borzoi?
BONUS ROUND: +2 to Goldbluminess
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Thor: Ragnarok: 8 of 10 Goldblums
Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8 of 10
You are now about to meet the Grandmaster. Congratulations. Prepare yourself.
Goldblum presence: 5/10
His role is small in duration but large in impact, and also in the size of his giant hologram.
Goldblum hotness: 8/10
He’s a little murdery, but he has a whole spaceship just for orgies.
Goldbluminess: 10/10
Does he... have a hologram of himself playing keyboards and singing, “It’s my birthday!” on his orgy ship?
Mortdecai: 6 of 10 Goldblums
Mortdecai (2015)
Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10
American art buyer Jeff Goldblum purchases a Rolls Royce from supposedly English art dealer Johnny Depp, apparently a puppet voiced by Dick “Jolly ‘Olliday Wif Maree” Van Dyke.
Goldblum presence: 1/10
He appears in two brief scenes, in the second of which he is a corpse.
Goldblum hotness: 9/10
Good hair, good glasses, good wardrobe.
Goldbluminess: 7/10
His hands float in front of his mouth the whole time he speaks and he’s approximately three heads taller than Johnny Depp.
Le Week-End: 8 of 10 Goldblums
Le Week-End (2013)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
Jeff Goldblum, ex-pat writer in Paris, hosts a supremely awkward dinner party attended by an aging married couple (Jim Broadbent and Lindsay Duncan) desperately in need of couples therapy.
Goldblum presence: 5/10
He gets third billing, but that’s mostly because 95% of the time, the deeply dysfunctional couple are the only ones on screen.
Goldblum hotness: 9/10
Silver fox. Much-younger wife. Excellent shirts.
Goldbluminess: 9/10
“Does he talk in a loud voice all the time?” asks Jim Broadbent.
The Grand Budapest Hotel: 5 of 10 Goldblums
The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)
Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10
Jeff Goldblum is a cat-loving lawyer who gets caught up in an exceptionally convoluted murder-and-inheritance plot.
Goldblum presence: 4/10
Despite enjoying a [SPOILER] gruesome death scene, "Deputy Kovacs" is not prominent enough a character to warrant even the smallest mention in the film's wikipedia plot summary.
Goldblum hotness: 6/10
Nice suits. Horrible beard.
Goldbluminess: 5/10
Constantly seated with his hands folded, he is given the opportunity to neither tower over others nor wave his hands at them. (And, thanks to Willem Dafoe, he will certainly never play the piano again.)
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The Prince of Egypt: 3 of 10 Goldblums
The Prince of Egypt (1998)
Total Goldblum Rating: 3/10
The Voice of Jeff Goldblum briefly appears in the mouth of the biological brother of Moses (of "let my people go" fame).
Goldblum presence: 1/10
a) He's not physically in this; b) He has like four lines.
Goldblum hotness: 2/10
He's a fairly scraggly-looking cartoon.
Goldbluminess: 7/10
The animators went the extra effort to ensure near-constant crazy eyes (his pupils NEVER TOUCH THE RIMS OF HIS EYES) as well as a fair amount of floating hands. He also may be the tallest person in all of Egypt.
Igby Goes Down: 7 of 10 Goldblums
Igby Goes Down (2002)
Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10
Jeff Goldblum is incredibly rich and incredibly sleazy as the titular Igby's godfather, employer, and assailant.
Goldblum presence: 7/10
Although a great deal of time is spent with Igby and others of his generation, Jeff Goldblum is one of the most prominent adult characters, appearing as much as Susan Sarandon and rather more than Not-The-President Bill Pullman.
Goldblum hotness: 7/10
The suits are nice, but creeping on drug-addled tenants is not.
Goldbluminess: 8/10
"Do you want to see the body before they come to collect it?" "I've seen it." [Sits down at a sudden piano.]
Nine Months: 6 of 10 Goldblums
Nine Months (1995)
Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10
Jeff Goldblum is the only character who utters the word "abortion" after his best friend, Nineties Hair Arches Hugh Grant--who has never wanted children, has never liked children, and is in a clearly unstable relationship--knocks up his girlfriend. Then Goldblum, failing artist, cheers up Hugh Grant by getting his ear pierced and taking him rollerblading, because nineties.
Goldblum presence: 5/10
Tom Arnold gets more screen time than he does. No no no.
Goldblum hotness: 7/10
His artist mullet, while it could certainly be worse, still leaves something to be desired. But he's young, and athletic, and (naturally) has a 25-year-old girlfriend, so, okay then.
Goldbluminess: 6/10
Surrounded by tiny Brits and Julianne Moore, he's possibly at his tallest, and you better believe he's sexy-flippant during a rollerblading encounter with a sexy babe; however, he's too busy being the suave-yet-lonely-childfree-pal to rapid monologue, and his hands are too busy painting or playing tennis to float. And they forgot to put a piano in the winery he lives in.
