#post three

Mental health is a topic a lot are scared to talk about and open up about and it’s totally understandable because it’s a sentive topic to talk about and when you don’t grow up learning how to talk about your feelings and how to process them you don’t tend to want to talk about this topic

It’s very important i feel for us all to be educated in mental health awareness not just for ourselves but for our loved ones and future patients it’s important we have the tools to be able to help someone else if the time ever came to use those skills i never want to be in a space where someone is telling me their mental health is in danger and i can’t do anything to help or ease the pain or anger they are feeling inside learning basic awareness is the least we as health care professionals can do even it it’s just listening to a patient talk about what’s going on even if they are not looking for a solution i’ve learned that alot of times people just want a listening ear someone to seat beside them hear them out and comfort they not everyone is looking for advice or a lesson when they are already mentally so drained with all their carrying on them it’s important to ask the person what they need from you in that moment so you know best how to help and support that person to the best of your ability.

Pasó la última fiesta de otoño, la más importante para las dos.

 Audrey y yo nos tomamos de la mano y aunque a algunos les resultara extraño, nos besamos. No recuerdo lo que me motivó a pedir dulces por la calle si a estas alturas ya nadie lo hacía. Continuamos besándonos, lento y con discreción. Después de unos segundos, Audrey se detuvo para tomar el más rojo de los caramelos de cereza y, con el disfraz recién lavado, nos recostamos sobre el grass. Ella colocó el dulce entre mis labios y aún en silencio, mantenía su encantadora sonrisa. 

Yo era Bonnie, y ella Marcie.

Después de saborear el caramelo miré al cielo. En ese momento anunciaban a los concursantes, no era necesario encontrarse en la fiesta, desde el patio trasero uno se iba enterando de todo.

Mirarla a los ojos costaba y no por razones adversas. A diferencia de cualquier cosa que pudiera haber ocurrido antes de tenerla al frente, este dolor era preciado y deseara que fuese eterno. 

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“Mocosa.” 

Recuerdo haber sido siempre así, terca y solitaria, pero jamás llamé la atención por ello.. o es lo que creo yo. Una de las cosas que me hubiera encantado es haber nacido con valentía, porque necia para las cosas que me gustan, jaaaaaaa, ahí ando, en primer lugar. Sin embargo, por ella arriesgué, temí, me desesperé y lloré por mi propia cuenta, porque yo lo quise así. Yo quise y quiero estar a su lado. 

Primero conocí a sus padres en el barrio chino. Ambos trabajaban en una tienda de conveniencia reponiendo paquetes e iba seguido a gestionar los mandados con ellos. Rápidamente generé química con la mamá, desde el primer día me quería presentar a su hija ya que se enteró que teníamos la misma edad pero yo realmente no quería conocerla. No podía mostrarme apática porque la señora se portaba lindo conmigo. Gente agradable, gente amable. Sin embargo cuando le dije cuál era mi apellido marcaron distancia, su esposo más que ella.

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Al dar las doce, la música se detuvo y la reunión se inundó de murmuros hasta que una gruesa voz, tosió un par de veces anunciándose y luego gritar dos nombres. Audrey y yo habíamos apostado sobre el posible ganador, o ganadora hasta que nombraron a dos, una pareja. ¿Estaba permitido? ¿Podíamos haber tenido una oportunidad?

La fiesta está mejor desde aquí, ¿no?

Asentí sin prestarle tanta atención, sus labios adornados de rojo me hacían vacilar un poco. Después de unos segundos me besó. Aún no habíamos acordado los premios de la apuesta, pero desde el segundo uno gané.

¿Esto será para siempre?

Asentí.

Hubiera deseado que lo fuera, pero sé que en ese momento no le mentí.

Perfection. That has always been my goal when I’m dancing. The perfectionist view-point has created a lot of personal pressure that doesn’t help my overall work and performance. This, combined with severe anxiety, has resulted in mid-rehearsal breakdowns and constant frustrations. I’ve been so worried about failing, even the smallest bit, that I didn’t realize just how bad that was for me. I didn’t need to worry so much because I am as great as I can be at the present and nitpicking the flaws will only create unnecessary stress. The article I focused on this week is written by Ashley Rivers and is a compilation of answers from professional dancers and how they move on from slip ups onstage, something that I worry about greatly.

France Chiaverini discussed how the idea of perfection enhances the idea of failure, when, in reality, dance has no right or wrong! We practice a subjective art form and nobody will feel the same about what you do onstage. This really stuck out to me; I worry about failing all the time and it often prevents me from doing something new and leaves me incredibly vulnerable.  Other performers in the article were adamant that dwelling on a mistake is something to avoid. The idea is to allow yourself to mourn the memory, can be a day, can be five minutes, and to leave it in the past. It’s a new day and a new audience. I’ve written all of these quotes down where I can see them daily to remind myself that I need to let go.

Who should I be talking to about this?

It was recommended by another professional in the article to actually discuss these memories and issues with other non-performers. I feel as though this is an incredibly important thing to do. This would mean focusing on yourself in the art, and having an outside point of view.

Part of the issue with embarrassing moments and mistakes that I have recently equated to failure, is the possibility of the memory popping up at any moment and being forced to relive the feelings over and over again. So, I did some research. According to the article,” How to Survive a Cringe Attack”, written by Melissa Dahl, research says that these memories are likely to pop up when the brain and body are relaxed and in the midst of a monotonous task. The best way to move on from these experiences that ‘pop up’ is to talk about it. Focusing on the unemotional aspects of the memory will help with the overall emotion of the memory. This boils down to the idea of ‘Self-indifference’. Dahl describes this as understanding that ‘you are not a big deal’. While not the most positive way to think of yourself, it certainly helps with the feeling as though the entire world is judging you based on one mistake you made. It is another word or way of saying humility. Taking care of yourself and also being aware of others.

Do I suffer from cringe attacks? Is it normal?

I suffer from lots of cringe attacks. Both memories of dance and in normal life. It’s awful and leaves me with a bright red face as I write this down. I think it’s very normal if you’ve been able to live a full and developed childhood. Kids are hilarious and always learning, learning things that we know now. If I didn’t struggle, I wouldn’t know what to not say or do sometimes. But I have started looking at them from a non-emotional perspective and feel less anxious about it all.

To re-center this back to the idea of moving away from perfectionism, Isabella Boylston reminded us that self-criticizing means to not be in the moment and forgetting you are not a machine. I like to think of this as being self-indifferent. Staying in the present is a key aspect of performing arts, and since performers are human, they are likely to make mistakes. I am likely to ‘fail’. I’ll allow myself to mourn. I’ll move on. This is something I’ve already had to put into practice as we move on with an ensemble piece that we learned in four days. How could I expect myself to be perfect? I’ve started the process of moving on from feeling as though I’ve failed because it isn’t worth it, nor helpful to the future runs. I’ve started taking a moment of silence for myself each time. There is a difference when I don’t. I forget to keep moving forward.

How does this all relate to you?

This means that I’m working toward finding the practices that I need to feel confident onstage and for myself as an artist overall.

https://www.dancemagazine.com/when_onstage_nightmares_come_true-2306949512.html