#post second war

"We can't take that chance."

And she was right. They couldn't. They couldn't see every possibility, they could only see what had happened without any meddling from them. Voldemort was definitely killable after he'd performed the ceremony to regain a body at the end of Harry's fourth year at Hogwarts. It was also, they knew, a time when they could come back to life. Magic had rules, but for every rule, there was a loophole and that was theirs. The link between the two wands would open the rift between worlds, and they'd be able to push their way through.

"I don't want them to suffer," she said, hands squeezing James's shoulders. "But we have to let it happen this way or risk more people dying than did before. Whatever suffering we ease could compound on itself and be worse than it was the first time."

"I know," he said reluctantly. He brought a hand up and squeezed her wrist in return. Pale comfort in what was to come, but it was all they had. "I just don't want to admit it. We're parents though, and Sirius is my..." He'd never put a word to what Sirius was to him, but Lily understood; she always had. Him and Sirius had never called each other 'boyfriend' or said anything about dating each other. Dating made it sound like it might end, and neither of them had thought that it could end. The only end they considered was one where they were together. James loved Sirius, and Sirius loved him. They loved each other in a way that James hadn't thought himself capable of. Sirius had meant everything to him. If Sirius had died and James was the one left, he would've died too. Calling him his partner didn't feel like enough, and saying that he was the love of his life wasn't accurate. James had stopped living, and he still knew that Sirius was the only one for him. Having to hide what they had hadn't made finding a label for themselves any easier. There hadn't been time to waste on frivolousness like what other people should call them when it wasn't something other people were ever supposed to talk about.

Harry was much easier to think about. He was their son, all of theirs, and they'd sworn to protect him as best they could. It felt like a failure to do this to him, to leave him in the hands of people that not only didn't love him, but wanted to hurt him just because he existed in their home. "It's hard to feel like we shouldn't be putting them first."

Lily swallowed thickly. She hated this just as much as he did. She was the one offering encouragement and talking about how they had to be strong, but she didn't want to do it this way either. "We have to think of the world. There's no one else."

James nodded, because it was the truth. There was no one else. If they did nothing, Sirius would die, and Harry would still be hurt over and over. They could help end the war before it had a chance to begin, but the world was ripples on a pond. Change one thing too many, too large, and the entire map would be disfigured. "Second year, yeah?"

"Yeah," Lily said quietly.

"I'm going to talk to Sirius before then. I won't change anything, but I'm not leaving him alone for all of that."

Lily gave him a sad smile. "Of course."

*

"Sirius?"

He knew that voice. Knew it better than his own. He'd tried to conjure that voice in his head so many times that he'd feared he'd forgotten the sound of it entirely. "James."

"You can't see me, but I'm here."

Sirius tried to find him anyways. The cell wasn't very big. There wasn't space for anyone to hide. He looked and looked, but it was just him, alone. James wasn't here.

"Sirius, I swear that I'm here."

"Am I dead?"

"No, of course not." James sounded sad.

Sirius was sad too. "I want to be with you," he said, but he couldn't be. James was dead, and he was not.

"We'll get there eventually, I promise."

James had never lied to him before, and Sirius didn't think he would start now. He wasn't even sure that this voice was James, but a mimicry of James was better than no James at all, so he said, "I believe you."

"I couldn't leave you alone. I- we can't do anything yet, but I didn't want you to think that you were alone. That you have to deal with this alone. You can talk to me, about anything and everything you want. Like when we first started living together, do you remember?"

Sirius nodded. "You made me talk about my parents."

"I didn't make you, I just pointed out that it was probably in your best interest if you opened up a little."

Sirius laughed.

Normally, James loved his laughs, but this one sounded the way broken glass felt. Like it was cutting him open and leaving splinters all along his skin when he tried to touch it. His hand passed right through Sirius's shoulder like it wasn't there. They were on different planes of existence right now.He knew that Sirius couldn't see him, but he'd hoped... well, he missed touching Sirius. It had barely been any time for him, but he missed it like he'd lost his hand altogether. Which, in a way he had. No body, therefore no hand. It felt weird to think since he could see his hand. He could see it so it felt real, but what was the point of a hand if it couldn't touch?

"You said that, and then I cried, remember?"

"I remember," James said.

"I hated it. I hated crying in front of you. I felt ridiculous."

"I never thought you were ridiculous. I thought that you trusted me, and I loved it."

"Of course I trusted you," Sirius said, closing his eyes. It made it easier to pretend that James was actually sitting right next to him, if he did that. James was sitting next to him, but it's not like Sirius could see him.

"And of course you loved me?"

"Of course," Sirius agreed, making James smile. "I always will."

"Good. Because-" James took a bracing breath "-I have a favour to ask of you."

He explained, and Sirius didn't respond immediately. It wasn't just the horcruxes and Harry and Voldemort that James had told him, it's that they needed to wait. That Sirius had to wait in Azkaban for a while longer before he could leave.

"I know how you can escape," James told him after the silence continued. "You won't be stuck in here forever. We just can't risk too much changing, otherwise the whole plan falls apart."

"I trust you. Tell me when to go, and I'll go." There it was. That unwavering trust Sirius had in him.

"I wish I could hold you," James said, because words had never felt like enough where Sirius was concerned. He'd told him that he loved him a hundred times, a thousand, and it had never felt like it got through to him as much as holding him and pressing countless kisses to his skin had.

"I wish you could too," Sirius muttered.

*

Harry and his mates were worried about the third task for the Triwizard Tournament, but they had no idea what would be waiting for Harry at the end of it. It would be hard for anyone to deal with, and they knew that Harry would survive it all, with or without them. But the difference between letting something happen and trying to force it through to change events was stark.

They were so close to getting Harry free of Voldemort, but to do it, they had to let him be trapped, his blood stolen, and then convince him that he had to let himself die. Even knowing that he would be able to come back, it was difficult to swallow. James's resolve had grown, over the years. Keeping Sirius company in Azkaban, helping him escape, guiding him towards the horcruxes and making sure he didn't get caught, it made him more sure. Even if it wasn't ideal, it was better than what had happened the first time. Sirius had looked skeletal by the time he'd eventually gotten around to dying, but this time, he was better. Happier, even if he still got bouts of sadness that James didn't know how to help. If he could just touch him it wouldn't be as bad.

They were close. They were getting so close that James could practically taste it. No second war, Sirius wouldn't die, Harry wouldn't have to see friends die and think that it was his fault. That both he and Lily would live again was certainly nice, but even if they didn't come back, it would be worth it for all the suffering they would prevent. James had long since stopped trying to convince Lily that they could do it some other way (even though they'd both known, even when he was objecting, that it was the only way), but the closer it got to the time when they could stop preparing and actually do something, he felt more certain. It was going to work. It wouldn't be easy and hadn't been easy, but it was going to work.

"How've things been going on your end?" Lily asked. She wasn't looking at James as she said it, she was looking at Harry. Her arms were folded over her chest, and she had a concerned frown on her face. She'd taken to motherhood as easily as an Abraxan took to the sky, and he knew how hard this was for her-- to watch Harry and be unable to help or even give him a warning.

"Sirius has all the horcruxes except the snake."

Lily nodded. She was confident that she could take care of Voldemort's pet snake when the time came-- James didn't ask why she was so sure because he was certain that he didn't want to know. "Dumbledore thinks it's really suspicious that Sirius is out but hasn't come for Harry."

"Did he say anything to Harry about it?"

"He tried, but Harry said that he'd rather deal with the people that are trying to kill him that he can't avoid."

James snorted, and Lily cracked a smile for a moment before the frown retook its place.

"It helps that Sirius hasn't made a move towards him. It's been, what two years since his escape? And he hasn't come anywhere close to Harry. How's he handling it?"

"Better, last time that I saw him. But you know how it is, he still feels like he's failing us by not looking after Harry, and since he's not entirely convinced that it's really me he's talking to..."

Lily nodded. "I'm sure he'll be fine after he can see you again."

"That's the hope," James said. Strange as it was, Lily was more certain in his ability to help Sirius through this than James himself was. "How's Harry?"

"Anxious, but not scared. It's not as if he knows what's coming. What he'll have to deal with."

"We'll be there for him," James said.

"To convince him to die. We're going to look our son in the eye and tell him to let himself be killed." Lily clenched her jaw, fingers whitening on her arm from how hard she was gripping herself. "I know that it's necessary, but how do we talk to him after that? How do we tell him that we-- his parents, the people he should've been able to trust to keep him safe no matter what-- let him be hurt for years? And how do we ask him to trust us again after that? I wouldn't trust me."

"I wouldn't either," James agreed quietly. His heart ached just looking at Harry. At their boy, who had managed to find friends and happiness when the world was against him. "We explain, and then we let him make his choice. We help however we can and however he'll let us, and that'll be it. We don't get the luxury of telling him that he should listen to us above anyone else. I know that, and you knew that from the very beginning."

Lily swallowed. She wasn't about to cry, but she looked so immensely sad that he put a hand on her shoulder. He didn't know what good it did, if any; he'd never been as good at comforting anyone as he had Sirius. "I know. Will you let me cry when we come back?"

"I don't see how I can stop you."

"When we were alive, you used to make me biscuits when I cried."

"You could just ask for biscuits, Lils."

"What can I say," she said with a sad smile, "I was hoping for biscuits since I know I'm going to cry no matter what."

"Assuming I have access to a kitchen, and we're both not in hospital for whatever's happened to our bodies for coming back from the dead, then I'll make you as many biscuits as you want. It'll be nice to eat again."

*

"It's okay, Harry, don't fight him."

Harry startled. Then, hesitantly, he whispered, "Mum?"

He recognised her from her voice even though the last time he'd heard it, he'd been a baby. It warmed her heart, and made it ever so slightly easier to deal with what she was doing. "That's right darling, it's me. Your father's here too. I know it sounds impossible, but you'll come back. Let Voldemort hit you with the Killing Curse. You'll be in limbo for just a moment, and you'll be able to make it back."

"That-" Harry's hand flexed on his wand. His expression was conflicted. He wanted to believe her.

"I don't have time to explain, but there's the remnants of a curse on you. Temporary death will get rid of it."

"Lily, he's coming," James warned.

"Harry, please, trust me," she pleaded. "Put your wand down and let it happen, we'll be with you the whole time."

Harry gave a tight nod, looking like he was about to cry. No, not looking like. He was crying. James's chest ached, and he squeezed Lily's hand as tightly as she held his. There was the smallest of sounds, and Harry twitched but didn't run like he normally would have.

There was a flash of green light that had James flinching, hard. The next instant, they weren't in the graveyard anymore. No more Death Eaters, it was just the three of them. Their short-lived family, forced together by chance and ripped apart just as easily. It wouldn't be half as easy to tear them apart again, not after all this. It would be Harry, Lily, James, and Sirius after this. They'd get to all be together again. If not together together because Harry couldn't forgive them, then at least they'd all be alive and safe.

Harry turned to them, his eyes bright.

"You were so brave, darling," Lily said, tears slipping out of her eyes and wetting her cheeks.

"I'm dead?" he asked. He sounded more like a child to James in that moment than he had in years.

"Only for the moment," James said. He could feel himself tearing up as well. He glanced over his shoulder, where he knew, somehow, the exit was. Not moving on to the next step, but going back to life. "We can go back, and you'll be fine."

"I don't want to leave you. I- there's so much I want to tell you both, so much I want to know."

Lily surged forward and hugged Harry. "We'll be coming back with you. Magic is difficult and strange, and this will bring us back with you."

"You're coming back?"

James nodded. "Not as ghosts. We should be living, breathing people, just like you and your mates."

"We've got so much to catch up on," Lily said, sniffling.

"When we walk through that door, you'll wake up back in the graveyard. We'll be right there with you."

Lily leaned back, wiping at her face, then she nodded. "We'll be with you."

"You remember where the Cup was? We'll get to it together. You won't have a chance to be hurt again," James promised.

Harry hesitated, then nodded. "You'll- you'll both stay close?"

"I promise."

*

Harry was in hospital. James felt just rotten about it, and he knew Lily felt the same-- on top of all their other guilt, they didn't know what to do about his extended hospital visit. Harry returned to his body exactly as it had been before his temporary death. Which is to say, injured. On top of that, having a horcrux destroyed would undoubtedly be good for him in the long run, but the immediate side-effects left him with a splitting headache and overall weaker constitution. It's like he'd been drained when he came back to his body, barely able to stand, let alone talk. Recovery was taking a while, in large part because no healer knew how to deal with this sort of illness.

James and Lily, on the other hand, were perfectly fine. They came back in perfect condition. They'd even aged for the missed time as if they'd never died at all.

It was good news, because otherwise, who knows how long it would've been until they were able to get to his room in St. Mungo's to talk to him? This way, they could spend virtually all their time in the room with him. There was lots of talking. Sharing stories, their favourite foods, that sort of thing. They also were able to start setting up a house and decorate Harry's room how he wanted-- not that he seemed to know how he wanted it, but Lily was more than happy to fill in the blanks.

The other good news was that, with how long Harry was in hospital, he missed out on the rest of the action. The (other) horcruxes were destroyed in short order, and Voldemort only realised it after his pet snake was the victim. He attacked, and... well, he hadn't really been prepared for it. It was a far cry from an epic show down. It was anticlimactic, and that's exactly how James wanted it to be. The last time had built and built up to it, and people had died-- so many people had died that it made James ache just to think about it. Uneventful was the best they could've hoped for, and it's what they got. Everything got straightened out. Voldemort was dead (up to the end, he'd been shocked that it had happened so easily), the Death Eaters that could be had been rounded up, and Sirius's name had been cleared.

Everything was looking up. Except for the part where James hadn't had a moment of privacy with Sirius since coming back to life. They'd seen each other, yes, and there might have been some crying as they hugged, but they hadn't had a chance to really talk. No privacy for it. James couldn't tell Sirius how much he'd missed him unless they were in private. Mostly because he wanted to kiss him senseless, and also because he felt like he was going to cry again. Crying with just Sirius in the room with him felt different than crying in front of anyone else.

"Is Sirius going to live with us?" Harry asked.

Lily glanced at James for an answer since she also hadn't had time to talk to Sirius.

"Yes," James said, even though he and Sirius hadn't talked about it. They had no place in the world except beside each other, and James would be damned before he let them go about their lives like strangers. Besides, it had always been the plan. For all of them to live together. They'd been about to move Sirius's things into the house while Lily was pregnant with Harry until that sodding prophecy came up and bungled their lives. He didn't need to talk to Sirius to know that they were going to go back to that plan: all of them together. And anyways, Sirius had told James that he would follow him anywhere, and that had been after James was hovering around not quite as a ghost. Now that he was alive again, he had no doubt about it. "Is that going to be okay with you?"

Harry nodded. "He seems nice. Nothing like the murderer Professor Dumbledore said he'd be like."

"Has Professor Dumbledore visited you here?" Lily asked, trying not to visibly tense up.

"No, but when Sirius escaped Azkaban, everyone thought he might come after me." Harry paused, then frowned. "Why did everyone think that? I mean he's your best mate. He wouldn't have any reason to hurt me."

James had to clear his throat before answering. He didn't want to have to explain what everyone had been thinking, but Harry was old enough that obfuscating wouldn't do him any good. Peter was still in hiding. For his sake, James hoped he'd fled the UK; no one really wanted to see what would happen if they got their hands on him. "Sirius was framed for sending Voldemort after us, by someone we were friends with. He destroyed a street, killed a dozen muggles with it, and Sirius was blamed for that as well. Because of it, everyone assumed that he'd been on Voldemort's side the entire time. If he had been, then he would've wanted you dead." He still didn't understand Dumbledore's motives regarding everything to do with Sirius, but once people thought that Sirius was guilty, it was the logical continuation that he'd want to hurt Harry. Unfortunately, all these people were dumbarses, and Sirius was the last person on the planet that would hurt his godson.

"But you really don't need to worry about a thing with him," Lily added. "Sirius might look a little scary because of his time on the run, but he's one of the warmest people I've ever known."

"I'm not scared of him," Harry murmured. "He's nice to me."

James smiled a little. "Good. The healers said you'd be out of here in another week and a half. It would've been horribly awkward if you didn't like him during move in."

Lily looked at Harry, then back to James. "Do you think you could give us a few minutes alone? I wanted to talk to Harry about something."

"Of course." He could go and grab something for all of them to eat now that he wouldn't feel guilty for leaving Harry alone (again).

She hesitated, so James didn't move. "Actually, why don't you go home for the night? I'm hoping for some mother-son bonding time, no offense."

"All you had to do was ask," James said with a laugh. He walked over to Harry and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. He didn't squirm away from it like James had done to his parents at his age. "I'll see you tomorrow, sprog." He passed Lily on the way to the door, and kissed her cheek, feeling one pressed to his own in return.

To be honest, James wasn't certain if Lily had actually had things she wanted to talk to Harry about, just the two of them, or if she'd known how badly James wanted to spend time with Sirius and decided to give him a helping hand. Either way, he was grateful for the opportunity, and hurried for the exit so he could find him.

It didn't take long. Of course it didn't. They were of the same mind, James thought. There was no hiding from each other, and there never had been. That being said, he couldn't say that he was happy to find Sirius at James's gravestone, sat on the ground with his knees pulled up to his chest and hugging them like a child. "Normally I don't like to make you do what I want, but I think I'm going to this time. Spending time in front of my grave is a little too uncomfortable for me," James said conversationally.

Sirius looked over at him like he was a miracle. He'd looked at James like that ever since he'd come back to life.

"Why are you spending time here?" James asked softly. "It's not where I am." He held out a hand to Sirius. Sirius took it as he stood, his skin warm and comforting in James's hand.

Sirius didn't let go of James's hands once he was on his feet, twining their fingers together loosely. He looked introspective, and that made James a little worried. It's not that Sirius thinking was a bad thing-- not by a long shot-- but for him to have that look when they were at James's grave wasn't exactly comforting. "I spent years listening to your voice, doing what you guided me to, and I didn't disagree with you. You told me that I could see you again, and I never looked back."

"I know. I was there. Are you going somewhere with this?" James asked, not unkindly.

"I spent so long dreaming about this," Sirius replied, resting their foreheads together. "I keep thinking that it can't be real."

"I don't think spending time staring at something that says I'm dead is going to help with that." James rubbed their noses together, then kissed him chastely. "Let's go home. Lily said she's going to stay the rest of the night with Harry, so we'll have the place to ourselves for a few hours."

"I'm tired of hiding, James," he said, tightening his hold on James's hand before he could try to move away.

"You're not on the run anymore. Your name's been cleared, and Harry knows-"

"I don't mean that. I mean us. It's not... it's not as bad as it used to be, when we were teenagers. It's not just Lily that's okay with it."

The thought of telling people about them made James's chest feel tight, and not in a good way.

"I don't want to make a big announcement," Sirius said, as if sensing James's distress. "I just don't want for us to hide it anymore."

He swallowed, not wanting to dismiss it out of hand but not comfortable with it either. "Let's go home. We can talk about it later."

They didn't talk about it that night. They were far too desperate, their kisses bruising, and their hands hard as they gripped each other. In the morning though, they did talk about it. Sirius propped himself up on one elbow and with his free hand, he traced his fingers over any piece of James's skin that was bare. "I don't want to sleep in the room next door and have us sneaking back and forth. We don't have to change a single thing when we're not home, but I want to have this. One bed and one room for the two of us. That's it."

"I don't want Harry to think..." James trailed off. He didn't even know what Harry would think.

"He's a good kid," Sirius said. "I doubt he'd hate either of us for it. Besides, doesn't he remind you of Lily? She never judged us for it."

"He reminds me of Lily, yes, but that doesn't mean he is her. I don't want to count on it and have things go horribly wrong."

"I told you," Sirius said quietly, "things have changed. I don't think it's like that anymore."

James watched the shift of muscles in Sirius's arm as he moved his hand back and forth. His skin tingled in the wake of Sirius's fingers, not that that was surprising. He breathed in, felt the way Sirius flattened his hand over his heart, and breathed back out. He was terrified. The thought of letting anyone know what had been a closely guarded secret for his entire life made him unspeakably nervous. "I suppose, even if you're wrong, we can just run away. I hear the weather in Greece is quite pleasant."

Sirius chuckled, shifting so he was laying half on top of James. "If it comes to that, I'll make sure it's everything you could ever want."

"You're all I could ever want," James said.

Sirius smiled at him softly. "That's funny, I was just thinking the same about you."

"Sap."

"What kind of juice?" Sirius asked, even though the answer was going to be 'I don't know' no matter what type of juice Harry said. 

"Orange." 

"I dunno, check the fridge." 

Harry did so, emerging victorious with the carton in one hand. He started to lift it to his mouth but froze when Sirius spoke again. 

"You better not be planning on doing what I think you're doing." 

"Erm." Harry blinked behind his glasses, eyes looking wider than normal because he was trying to affect innocence. With the threat of death gone from his life, he'd turned into a normal teenage boy. Sirius wouldn't change it back again for anything, so it was mostly amusing to him that Harry wanted to do things like drink straight from the bottle and left his dirty clothes everywhere around the house. "Of course not?" 

Sirius snorted, shaking his head. He reached up and grabbed a glass, holding it out to him. 

Harry grabbed it with a sheepish, "Thanks." He started to pour it, looking curiously at Sirius's arm. "Hey, what're those scars from? Is it from the Battle at Hogwarts?" It was a fair guess. That's what most people had their scars from. 

"No," was all Sirius said, rolling his sleeves back down. "You have plans with Ron tonight, yeah?" 

"...Yeah. Thanks for the glass," Harry said, then shuffled off, clearly knowing that he'd made a mistake but not knowing what it was. 

Sirius couldn't breathe. He was too hot, but all he wanted was to put on another jumper because layers always helped. He didn't finish putting away dishes. He wanted to; he'd meant to, but he sort of slumped onto the floor and pulled his legs tight up to his chest and hadn't managed to calm down by the time James wandered into the kitchen. 

James didn't say anything, just sat down on the floor next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. When Sirius was in the middle of panicking, James normally didn't talk for a while, and this time was no exception. He waited for Sirius's breathing to normalize and for him to stop shaking-- if he'd been shaking that time, which he normally did. "Did something happen?" he asked, voice free of judgement. Not that James ever judged Sirius, but it always meant more at times like this, when he felt so fragile that he might bust into a hundred pieces if someone looked at him the wrong way. 

"Not really," Sirius said, then wiped at his face. He hadn't been crying, but it felt like he was covered in grime. He knew that he wasn't, but it didn't matter because it felt like he was. "Harry asked about the scars and I just..." He didn't have to finish the sentence for James to know what he meant. 

"Do I need to talk to him?" James asked. 

"No. He wasn't terrible about it or anything," Sirius said, leaning his head to the side until he found a piece of James to rest against. 

"Alright," James said easily. "You want to get off the floor?" 

"Not really." 

"Okay. So I was thinking about buying a new couch," James said, and he kept talking. None of it was horribly important, but the lack of silence was nice. 

Harry came in somewhere around the time when James was comparing types of biscuits that could be bought at the muggle store a few streets away from them. "Hey," he said tentatively, hovering in the doorway instead of walking into the room completely. "Erm, sorry about earlier." 

Sirius shook his head. "You didn't do anything. Just." He tugged on his sleeves even though they were already all the way down his arms. "Azkaban. I don't like talking about it. I should've tried to say that instead of kicking you out." 

"You didn't kick me out; I left," Harry pointed out, taking a hesitant step closer. When he wasn't booted out of the room, he walked over and sat down on Sirius's other side. "Besides, I only came in for juice, anyways. There wasn't much point in staying in the kitchen when I was done." 

"And yet, here we all are," James said.