So I havenāt really been able to talk to Alex in a while... but on Friday he sent me a message and we talked about it. And we almost stopped talking, but we kept talking about us and neither of us wanted to end this way so we kept talking. And we talked about stuff all night. And then yesterday we talked to each other literally all day. From the time I woke up, to three oāclock in the morning! Fifteen hours. Thatās a long time! It was just how it used to be. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Random stuff, serious stuff, and even just silly stuff that we both laughed about together. I love talking to him... weāre definitely best friends...
Oh! And he said I made him laugh all the time and usually noting can do that he said. And itās not just a smirk, he says he just full out laughs and Iām the only person thatās been able to do that. Ahhh! Iām so happy! I love making people laugh, and it really means a lot to me knowing I can make Alex laugh... I really care for him... And I know he cares for me too...Ā
Last night, we were talking about more serious things and he told me that if he could take all of my pain and confusion from me to him he would... and that really means a lot to me. And I know Alex... and I know that if it were possible he really would. But... even if it were possible, I wouldnāt want him to. I wouldnāt want anyone to feel the way I do. Itās so horrible I would never want anyone to experience this and go through what I've gone through and what I'm going through now. But itās really nice to know I have someone who wants to go through it with me... and who is actually there for me, and really truly cares for me... and I have that. I have Alex... and I'm so thankful to have someone like him...
well... anyhoo, I havenāt talked to Brett in like three days. I kinda miss him... Oh well. itās funny, every day after school, when I get on the buys Ryan is just likeĀ ādid he ask you out yet?ā haha and Iāll just be likeĀ āno.ā ...I kinda feel like brett never will. heās beginning to see me the way I see myself. heās seeing how messed up I really am. which is probably for the best though. because I donāt want to hurt anyone. and I wouldnāt want to hurt him if we were together and then one day I just left. I wouldn't want him to think it was his fault. and besides, I donāt want him to be constantly worried about me.Ā
anyhoo... Grandpa Dick died on Monday so my mom has been gone all week. Then sheās getting back today and then dad is leaving sometime this week. um... I dunno what to write about now.
Ā but Iām really glad Alex and I started talking again. Iāve really missed him. itās kinda weird that heās thirty... but I try not to think about that. because heās one of the best friends Iāve ever had. maybe even the best. and I think the main reason weāve stayed friends is because thatās how we act. we treat each other like good friends, and we talk to each other like good friends because thatās just what we are. we donāt act like we even have an age difference. sure weāll talk about it sometimes or sometimes heāll say stuff likeĀ āwhen I was your ageā but we donāt let it bother us. we know itās there, but it doesnāt matter. weāre really alike and we understand each other. and Iām so glad I met him. I'm... really glad that I found that Christian website and was able to share my thoughts and feelings and then Alex felt compelled to reach out to me as a friend when I had none. honestly, I think if I hadnāt met him, I probably would have attempted suicide much sooner, and I might even be dead right now. or Iād be in a much worse state than I am now... because he was there for me... and he went through a lot of stuff with me. and Iām so thankful for Alex!
