#positivelynegative

I thought about turning around with this blog and trying to post only positive thoughts and anecdotes, but I’ll be honest, it’s not really my style. I understand I need some more light in my life but I’m not going to fake it until it’s made. The whole point of this blog is for me to look back and remember that how I feel is valid and that there are reasons I’m sad and upset and short tempered. 

Yesterday, my bosses and I (I work in a law office) had to travel about 20 miles to a client with Stage 4 liver cancer’s home to sign his Will. We saw him last week for his Will consult and he was walking (obviously in pain and VERY yellow) and talking. Yesterday, he was curled over a trash can, barely said anything, his skin was even more yellow and he didn’t seem to have much motor function. He was able to sign and acknowledge what was happening, but it was obvious because of not only his appearance but his family’s that he wasn’t doing well at all. 

We just found out that he passed away morning. 

This guy was a total stranger to me, but it still makes me feel dizzy. I just spent most of my morning planning out my class schedule for the fall. That guy spent his morning dying. I know it’s not an easy or natural thing for anyone to think about but for some reason it really fucks with me. Yesterday was exhxausting and a little too close to home (re: my dad’s situation) but finding out today that this guy died less than 24 hours after we left him is a little too much. I know it’s part of what my office deals with but it seriously feels like it’s everywhere around me right now and it’s unstoppable. 

Physically, I feel exhausted. I feel a little disoriented, almost like I have tunnel-vision or those horse-blinder things. I was hoping to get into something creative or organized today, but I’m going to go home after work and nap. I’m going to eat a big fat weed cookie and pass out for a while. I need a shut-down.

This funk I’m in isn’t going anywhere. It’s by far the longest I’ve felt this out of control of my own emotions. I was given a depo shot a month ago and I almost wonder if that has something to do with it.. It’s not like I feel moody, I feel LOW and it’s impossible to move upward on my own. And I don’t want any help doing it either. I’ve been around friends for the last week and a half and it doesn’t help much either. I love seeing them, especially since they’re all so far away.. but it’s just a distraction. An emotional pause button, if you will. I talk about these traumatic things with them, but I don’t want to spend what little time I have with these people possibly ending up in a sobbing heap. It also makes me feel bad for my S/O. He is a fucking sponge, I tell you what. He soaks it all up and while he’s not super sympathetic, he is the stability in my life. I don’t give him as much credit as I should. Have I always been this selfish? 

I’m going to make an effort to be positive. At least a little bit. I found a list of topics/questions to write about when you don’t know what to write about. The first on the list was “What gets you excited about life?”

I’m excited about travelling. I’m excited to be out of my comfort zone and into something new and unseen. I’m excited for the day when it all comes together and I don’t have to worry about if I’m doing the right thing anymore. I’m excited to see my nieces and nephew and brothers grow up. I’m excited about seeing the sunshine and excited to know I have friends all over who can show me new things. I’m excited knowing that when I have the motivation, I have the supplies to make something meaningful and beautiful. I’m excited to continue to look inward and actually consider what I mean to myself.