#portrait system

But, finally - I did pass, right when I finally accepted that I'd probably just be in lesson 1 forever xD I tried to tiptoe into lesson 2 but then found that I could really receive the most ideal feedback unless I submitted the whole study. Another lesson learned.

At some point, I hit a wall. I didn't mean or plan to - but I took a break. I started playing video games again and just trying to get as much dopamine as possible. This felt like such a backwards step and I was beyond disappointed in myself. I'm so hard headed and stubborn at times! But, at the time - when you're in it, you can't see a way out, and the frustration and negativity just seeps in - it's an old evolutionary response and survival mechanism that us humans just can't seem to shake off, even in the modern world when it no longer really serves us. I felt particularly bad playing video games again - as this was something that Angel had shared with us - he used to play video games too - but gave up and then was massively successful with his art - this was so inspiring for me! And at that time, I began to see anything that wasn't drawing as a waste of time (this reminds me of the time I thought that if I wasn't doing something to make money - or creating something that I could eventually monetize - then it was a waste of time? Such a toxic mindset and not at all a balanced way to live - Hussle and grind culture really do be fucking us neurodivergent up!) I info dumped how I was feeling into the "mindset" channel of the discord and then just RAGE quit. Eventually - after around a 2-4 weeks - my curiosity got the better of me and I checked the discord... Sammie - another neuro-spicy individual like myself, from America - had read my message and taken the time to write a lovely reply to me, and had offered to be a sort of study buddy for me as she was a few lessons ahead. <3 Her message was JUST the thing I needed. It really perked me up and gave me hope!!! After speaking to a few other people in the separate study buddies discord, I learnt that not everyone was following the course to a T as I was attempting to do. (I'm sure this comes from some sort of childhood trauma of not wanting to get into trouble!) Once I learned that, actually - I could just go through the whole course, download everything - and then, take a sneak peak at the next lesson, lesson two? THAT CHANGED THINGS!!! It might be that I have a little bit of the 'tism - and seeing / hearing - WHY we were doing things, helped to really solidify the things being taught into my brain. I started to see the lay ins differently - I could now envision what the lesson 2 lay in would look like over the top of the lesson 1 lay in - and I understood what the initial guidelines where there for! Admittedly this is kind of a backwards way of approaching things but, as someone who's neurodivergent and struggles with learning difficulties - I should have been kinder to myself. No one told me that this was okay until now, turns out I just needed permission from someone else to experiment. And MAN, what a massive difference it made for my mental health! Now - I was starting to have fun again, the studies didn't feel like a chore or homework and - just for fun - I'd practice turning my lesson 1 studies into lesson 2 studies. This motivated me to get the lesson 1 study 100% right and just levelled up the end result? I can't quite explain it but - it worked for me.

And this. This was the point of putting in all those hours, taking all those notes, watching all the livestreams and reading as much as I could in the discord and asking other students for their advice. (The community is actually one of the best things about the course, meeting like minded people from all over the world has been an unanticipated perk!) I was finally starting to see progress! However - it got to the point where I'd been in lesson 1 for 6 months! Which - with the course being called "Portrait Accelerator" at the time, I couldn't help but feel like I was an idiot? Like - was I the only one taking THIS long to grasp the most BASIC concepts in lesson 1?! Me... with a bachelor of arts honours degree... in my 30's - there must be something actually wrong with me... However - as time moved on and Angel and the team took note of our feedback and they decided to change the name to "Portrait System" - which, in itself massively took the pressure off of everyone. Regardless, I still felt I was sold the course under a false pretence... as the old name suggested progress at a reasonably fast pace, and that in fact was the reason I decided to go through with the purchase. So far, I had found this whole experience incredibly humbling - ( as someone with ADHD who suffers from RSD, the perceived lack of progress made me feel like giving up ) I remember being so nervous before every weekly livestream, my heart was racing and I felt physically sick awaiting my critiques - what else had I failed to understand now? What else would I have to hear wasn't good enough? ( That phrase "good enough" is actually my 'bottom line' - something I'd learnt this through years of therapy over low self esteem...) So even thought this is just a dumb art course - something for fun and recreation ( well, hopefully something that potentially feeds into my more commercial success as an artist in the future- but that wasn't why I undertook it initially.) I won't go into detail here but, as someone who suffers from a mile long scrolls worth of mental health issues and who can't work - I thought that this would be an awesome creative outlet and something positive in my life - but it was far more nuanced than that! Not to say that it wasn't enjoyable - it was and continues to be more so as I learn and understand about way more than just art.

Honestly, I lost track of any sort of order - I'm sure it says somewhere in the small print. ProCreate is amazing for keeping all the data on when studies where done (date), how long they took - and also capturing an instant replay / speed paint / time-lapse - truly, can't recommend an iPad + ProCreate for beginner digital artists enough - well for anyone really - honestly, so impressive.

It's so cringe / funny looking back at these and remembering that I felt proud of them?! Like I really thought I was ready for the next lesson xD Goshhh, I got humbled SO fast.

So, weirdly I haven't posted anything here from Doodle Warriors? So, last year, back in November, I discovered that YouTuber and artist Angel Ganev had created a portrait course. At the time it was called Portrait Accelerator - the idea of getting better at drawing portraits FAST really appealed to me. But I didn't have 300 big ones, just *spare* to drop on the course. So I binge watched all of his YouTube videos and then subscribed to his Patreon in order to get a kind of taste for what was on offer, and to see what my money would be spent on, if I did decide to commit to this. These were my first attempts whilst listening to his early videos on the subject. I was using my iPad and ProCreate at this point. * Spoiler alert, I did save up and buy the course - but first - bought my very first Pen Display (Huion Kamvas Pro 16 2.5k) - I'd wanted one of these (ideally a WACOM but I'm not Scrooge McDuck) ever since I knew they existed, but they were always HELLA out of my price range - luckily my partner helped chip in, with a view to helping propel me to success in this course. This later meant I'd move on to mainly using Photoshop for my studies - you'll see the gradual improvement. Still LOVE my iPad and Procreate, but seeing as the course was taught via Photoshop, this just made sense to me.*