#poor watson

Sherlock: [deep sigh] Perhaps I have rather invited this persecution, since I have often had occasion to point out to him how superficial are his own accounts and to accuse him of pandering to popular taste instead of confining himself rigidly to fact and figures. See, happy?

Watson: Just keep writing. 

Sherlock: I’m only trying to help. 

Watson: Sure, Holmes. 

Sherlock: ‘Try it yourself, Holmes!’ he has retorted- 

Watson: I haven’t retorted. 

Sherlock: You have retorted. 

Watson: Well, is it easy?

Sherlock [another sigh] and I am compelled to admit that having taken my pen in my hand, I do begin to realise that the matter must be presented in such a way as may interest the reader... 

Watson: Do you truly believe that?

Sherlock:... maybe. 

Watson: Perhaps you should include why I wasn’t there?

Sherlock: [thinks] Speaking of my old friend and biographer- 

Watson: ‘Watson’ would suffice.

Sherlock: I would take this opportunity to remark that if I burden myself with a companion-

Watson: Burden?

Sherlock: Hold on for a moment- in my various little enquiries it is not done out of sentiment or caprice, but it is that Watson has some remarkable characteristics of his own, to which in his modesty he has given small attention amid his exaggerated estimates of my own performances. A confederate who foresees your conclusions and course of action is always dangerous, but one to whom each development comes as a perpetual surprise, and to whom the future is always a closed book, is indeed an ideal helpmate. 

Watson: Why- thank you, Holmes. 

Sherlock: You are very welcome, my dear Watson.

Watson: But this is not out of sentiment, is it?

Sherlock: No, not at all. I am not supplying you with compliments merely for flattery, it is only observation. I find from my notebook that it was in January, 1903, just after the conclusion of the Boer War- 

Watson: Er- Holmes? Are you entirely sure that it was 1903?

Sherlock: Does it matter? 

[Beginning of chronological confusion]

Sherlock: The good Watson had at that time DESERTED [angry glare] me for a wife, 

Watson: I DID NOT- 

Sherlock: -the only selfish action which I can recall in our association.

Watson: Oh, right-

Sherlock: I was alone. 

Watson: I wouldn’t go THAT far-

Sherlock: Must I right the exact details of the conversation?

Watson: Of course.

Sherlock: I could merely write the important notes.

Watson: Yes but then you could just publish the notes and not bother with a story. 

Sherlock: [another big sigh] [writes down conversation with Mr James M.Dodd] He was extremely talkative, you understand. 

Watson: And he was as shocked about your deductions as you are leading us to believe?

Sherlock:...yes

Watson: Well, you need a description about him now.

Sherlock: Why though

Watson: Just... here,  Mr. James M. Dodd appeared to be the sort of person whom it would be better to have as a friend than as an enemy. His blue eyes were stern and his square jaw had set hard as he spoke. 

Sherlock: How on Earth is that important?

Watson: How is the exact why you were sitting important?

Sherlock: [mumbling] So I could see him properly. 

Watson: You need to include the conversation now.

Sherlock: [more writing] I interrupted him at this point to ask him the type of newspaper the man was reading.

Watson: Well, I will just...  “What paper?” I asked. My client seemed annoyed at the interruption of his narrative. 

Sherlock: Why are you writing that?

Watson: Was he not annoyed?

Sherlock: I didn’t really care to notice. 

Watson: He probably was. 

Sherlock: I couldn’t understand why. [more writing] It happened that at the moment I was clearing up the case which my friend Watson has described as that of the Abbey School- 

Watson: Holmes, I must ask again, are you sure of the timeline? That doesn’t make sense-

Sherlock: I had also a commission from the Sultan of Turkey which called for immediate action, as political consequences of the gravest kind might arise from its neglect. 

Watson: Okay now you are making it worse. 

Sherlock: Yes but it’s funny. [more writing] There was this man that I picked up along the way, but I won’t identify him yet. 

Watson: Why not?

Sherlock: The narratives of Watson have accustomed the reader, no doubt, to the fact that I do not waste words or disclose my thoughts while a case is actually under consideration. You wouldn’t include the identity. 

Watson: Only because you don’t tell me. 

Sherlock: My case was practically complete, and there was only one small incident needed to round it off. 

Watson: Complete? My dear Holmes-

Sherlock: It was! 

Watson: And you are not being fanciful?

Sherlock: No. 

Watson: Not in the slightest?

Sherlock: No! [huff] I’ll describe the old ma, and... I have, as my friend Watson may have remarked, an abnormally acute set of senses Of course, I know you have mentioned that before. 

Watson: Of course, Holmes. 

Sherlock: I passed on into the study with my case complete.

Watson: How on Earth-

Sherlock: Alas, that I should have to show my hand so when I tell my own story! It was by concealing such links in the chain that Watson was enabled to produce his meretricious finales. 

Watson: Meretricious?

Sherlock: You never describe my thoughts during the case, only at the end to create a fanfare. 

Watson: You never tell me what your thoughts are, how am I to know?

Sherlock: ... Other events occurred, then... I took out my notebook and scribbled one word upon a loose sheet. I will not say what word just yet. 

Watson: You are beginning to come to grips with this. 

Sherlock: Indeed it seems. Although I would prefer to write less poetry and more facts. 

Watson: Don’t backtrack now, Holmes. 

Sherlock: Perhaps I should include the dialogue you always equate me with, “It is my business to know things. That is my trade.”

Watson: You have said it many times before!

Sherlock: Oh dear, more lengthy conversation. 

Watson: Please just write it. 

Sherlock: And, see, now I can explain my previous actions. The man from before was a doctor, and the word I wrote was Leprosy. 

Watson: It makes a more exciting finale when you withhold the information.

Sherlock: I suppose so. This is my explanation, “That process,” said I, “starts upon the supposition that when you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

Watson: Now you are showing off. 

Sherlock: Why wouldn’t I? 

Watson: Have you finished writing now?

Sherlock: Yes.

Watson: Did you find it easy?

Sherlock: Simple. Easy. No effort at all. 

Watson: Sure, okay. 

Sherlock: Would I do it again? No. But it was interesting. I shall leaving the chronicling to my Boswell.