#poor lydia

Milo and Melissa were dressed in 19th century German costumes. Lydia had discovered the hard way that Melissa’s hair was impossible to contain in braids, so she stuck a cap on her and called it a day instead. Milo liked the lederhosen at least. 

Tree cutouts littered one side of the stage, while a wooden house stood on the other. Zack and Crystal, playing the parents, nervously took their positions in the center. Milo and Melissa sat down in front of the house, quietly playing a game of patty cake while they pretended to not listen. 

“How are we supposed to feed our children and ourselves when we cannot afford food?” Zack asked, twirling a prop axe in his hands. “Woodcutting does not put bread on the table anymore.” He yelped when the axe head fell off, leaping into Crystal. She blushed furiously, twiddling her fingers. 

“Lydia, next time we do a play, take crushes into account,” Amanda said, jotting something down on her clipboard. 

Crystal backed away from Zack. “We shall take them into the deepest part of the forest....” She trailed off, fiddling with her skirt. Lydia motioned for her to continue, mouthing ‘louder’. Crystal looked up, her eyes fixated on a spot on the far wall of the auditorium. “We shall take them into the deepest part of the forest and give them each a piece of bread. We can carry on our duties and leave them alone, and they won’t be able to find their way home again. We shall be rid of them.” 

Melissa buried her head in Milo’s shoulder. Milo patted her back. 

“I will not do that,” Zack crossed his arms, frowning. “I do not wish them to be eaten by wild animals.” 

“Then all of us shall die of hunger,” Crystal replied. 

“Very well. At dawn tomorrow we shall carry out this wicked plan,” Zack bowed his head. They exchanged places with Milo and Melissa. Zack closed his eyes, lying down and pretending to sleep. Crystal did the same, but faced the opposite direction so the audience couldn’t see her face. 

“He changed his mind quickly,” Amanda muttered. 

“Save the commentary for later,” Lydia whispered. 

“We are as good as dead, Hansel!” Melissa cried. 

“Not to worry Gretel!” Milo exclaimed. “I have the solution right here!” He dug around in one pocket, only to come up empty. “Here?” A marble slipped out, rolling across the stage and hitting a cardboard tree. It fell over, knocking down two others as well. 

“Destroying all the trees around the house seems like a better idea than pebbles,” Melissa smirked. 

“Stick to the script, Melissa!” Lydia hissed. 

“Better safe than sorry! I’ll sneak out and gather a new batch of pebbles tonight, and when they take us to the forest tomorrow I’ll create a path that shall lead us home!” Milo exclaimed. He quickly exited the stage.“I don’t have the pebbles,” he said to Lydia. 

Mort produced a huge jar of rocks. “I bought all this rose quartz at the museum. You can borrow them.”

Lydia and Amanda sighed in relief. “You’re a lifesaver,” Lydia breathed. 

“Thanks, Mort!” Milo opened it, pulling out many small pieces of rose quartz. He reached in to get more, but then his fist wouldn’t pop out. “I think I have some lubricant in my backpack,” Milo said, giving up on simply tugging his hand loose. 

“We don’t have time! Just deal with it!” Lydia shoved Milo onto the stage. Milo looked back at her, puzzled. Lydia pointed to Melissa, who was tapping her foot as she waited. 

“Now we can find our way home!” Milo declared, holding out the rose quartz with his free hand. Melissa grinned, and they laid down and went to sleep next to Zack and Crystal. 

Mort and Chad walked across the stage with an unfurled banner, displaying a happy sun surrounded by glitter and stickers. 

“What happened to the sun and moon props?” Amanda asked. 

Lydia gave her a look. “Sure, let’s put big, heavy objects above our heads with Milo around and expect nothing to happen.”

“I can do without the sarcasm,” Amanda muttered. 

Crystal was the first to rise. She shook Melissa and Milo awake. “Get up. We must fetch wood to keep warm tonight.” She tossed two pieces of bread at Melissa. “This is all you’ll have for dinner. Use it wisely.” Melissa tucked the bread under her apron, nodding. 

Crystal is way too quiet. Can they hear her in the back? Lydia thought. 

Milo poked Zack. He snored. “He’s really asleep,” Melissa said. 

Lydia was about to burst, but Amanda handed her a paper bag. “It helps,” she shrugged. 

“Dad? Daddio? Zack? Hacky Zacky?” Milo continued poking him, but Zack turned over, completely oblivious to the rest of the play. 

“WAAAAAAKKKKKKE UUUUUPP!” 

“Ah!” Zack shrieked. “I’m up! What’s going on?” 

Milo and Melissa slowly uncovered their ears. Lydia’s face split in a wide grin. “So she does have some lungs in her!” she exclaimed, hugging Amanda. 

“Oy vey, I can hear the bells of Notre Dame,” Amanda said dizzily. 

The audience seemed to love it, some people standing and shouting in admiration of Crystal’s scream. 

Crystal took a deep breath. “It is dawn,” she continued in a much stronger voice. 

“Oh, right,” Zack said. “Well, come along then.” 

“Mort, Chad,” Lydia said. “Get into positions to rearrange the trees. And has anybody seen Bradley? He’ll be on soon.” 

“I’ll look for him. Hold my clipboard,” Amanda thrust her clipboard at Lydia and left to check the dressing rooms. 

With every couple steps, Milo paused and dropped pieces of rose quartz, looking back at the house. “Hansel, what are you doing?” Zack asked. “You are wasting time.” 

“Looking at the house, Father. Can I say goodbye to my kitten?” Milo snorted. “Sorry, can’t get used to calling you father.” 

“Neither can I,” Melissa added. “We know you two are hoping we die of starvation and our bones picked clean by wolves. Joke’s on you, cause some guy I’ve never met before gonna come waltzing outta the woods after you abandon us and be inexplicably attracted to me for nothing but my looks and he’ll take us to his castle and after I tell him how we were mistreated he’ll have guards scour the kingdom and hunt you down. And due process doesn’t exist yet so you’ll probably be sentenced to a really horrible death.” 

“Stick. To. The. Script,” Lydia ground out through gritted teeth.

“Anyway,” Crystal cleared her throat after a great pause. “Fool. That is just the morning sun that peeks over the chimney.” 

Milo and Melissa sat in the middle of the “forest”, the other actors moving the trees to hide their views of the house. They bit into the bread, only to find it was stale. “Stale bread? You gave us stale bread?” Melissa complained. 

“We’re supposed to be poor, Gretel,” Milo reminded her. “And tired.” He let out a wide yawn. “Good night.”

After waiting for Mort and Chad to pass with a night banner, Melissa said, “It’s night, Hansel. How are we supposed to find our way home?” 

“We follow the rose quartz path!” Milo exclaimed, pointing to the trail. “Follow the rose quartz path! Follow, follow-” 

“Hansel, the wild animals hate song parodies. Remember?” Melissa asked. 

“Right, got carried away there. But our persistence and body odor have paid off and we’re home at last!” Milo ran up to the house, knocking on the door. 

Zack answered. “Children, you’re back!” he opened his arms for a hug, and Milo gladly took the offer. Zack’s eyes nearly popped out from the force of Milo’s squeeze.

Melissa held back. “You are a horrible father.” She tried to hide her giggles. 

Crystal forced a smile. “Why were you asleep so long in the forest, you naughty children?” 

“You’d be surprised at how comfy a pile of leaves and a bundle of sticks can be since you oh so kindly abandoned us,” Melissa replied. 

“I need a word with you,” Crystal said, grabbing Zack and shooing them away. 

“Sure, go ahead and discuss how you’d like to murder us and deflect attention to a mysterious cause,” Melissa shrugged. She and Milo busied themselves with a game of rock-paper-scissors. 

“You are one evil stepmom,” Zack said, keeping his voice low. 

Crystal chuckled. “This is kind of fun once you get into it,” she whispered. She cleared her throat. “Anyway, we’d better take them deeper in the woods tomorrow so they’ll never find their way back. We must be able to feed ourselves.” 

“I do not wish to abandon them again,” Zack said. 

Crystal’s face scrunched up. “Do it or we shall both starve.” 

Zack shrugged. “Okay, whatever you say.” 

“Hansel, now what are we to do?” Melissa cried. 

“The same thing we did last night,” Milo said. “I’ll just drop more rose quartz and...we’re locked in.” 

“We’re dead,” Melissa grumbled. 

“It’s not over until the cuckoo clock breaks,” Milo said. “We’ll figure it out, Gretel. Don’t worry!” 

“The morning sun rises like a beacon of death, waiting to doom poor Hansel and Gretel to a-hey, Mort, stop shoving!” Mort slowly pushed a protesting Chad off stage. 

Crystal handed Milo and Melissa two smaller pieces of bread. Milo looked back as they walked at the top of the house, stopping every now and then to drop crumbs. “Hansel, you’re wasting time,” Zack said. 

“I was only looking at the duck sitting on top of the house,” Milo pointed. 

“Fool. That is just the morning duck-oh, there is a duck up there. Never mind then.” They watched the duck hop down from his perch and start eating the crumbs. 

“I was going to have Zack and Crystal destroy the trail, but okay,” Lydia shrugged. “Whatever works.” 

“Amanda! Stop it!” Bradley complained as Amanda guided him down the hall. 

“I won’t stop it because this play is very important to Lydia and you play a crucial role in this act so quit being stubborn and wait for your cue!” Amanda growled. “I can always make you do this in heels.”

“You wouldn’t.” Bradley plucked at his black dress sourly. 

Amanda straightened his witch hat. “Try me.” 

“What part are we on?” Bradley asked in resignation. 

“Hansel and Gretel being abandoned in the woods for a second time,” Lydia replied. She signaled Mort to rearrange the sets. “And a spotlight hogging duck, apparently.”

Milo and Zack chased the duck around the stage, but it refused to be caught. The duck took flight, dive-bombing an audience member in the third row. “Not again!” he screamed, dashing out of the auditorium with the duck hot on his trail. 

“Sorry, Elliot!” Milo called.  

“You’re supposed to be fake sleeping,” Melissa said.

Milo flopped down and pretended to sleep, his chest rising and falling rapidly. 

“How will these poor children survive the night?” Chad cried. “They are but leaves in the wind, resigned to a pitiful existence who-ack!” Amanda located a long hook and snagged Chad’s belt loop, pulling him behind the curtains. 

Mort worked quickly, wheeling in the woodcutter’s cabin and replacing it with the witch’s house. Zack offered Bradley a high five, but he declined. Lydia offered Crystal a water bottle. “See? You could do it! Just needed a cast member falling asleep on you!” 

Crystal laughed. “I scared myself with that scream too!”

“Bradley, wait to say your lines until Milo and Melissa ‘eat’ a few pieces of the house,” Amanda said. 

“Sure,” Bradley shrugged. “Let’s get this over with.” 

Lydia frowned at his indifference. “Bradley, if you didn’t want to be in this play, how come you never said anything for the past few weeks?” 

“Mort convinced me. He was really excited. Theater’s not my strong suit, but it never hurts to expand one’s skills,” Bradley replied. 

Milo and Melissa walked in circles, attempting to find the crumb trail. But all their efforts were in vain. “I hope our inevitable deaths are swift and painless,” Melissa said. 

“Fear not, Gretel!” Milo grinned. “I spy with my little eye a house made of the finest bread and sweetest cakes! First one to sugar crash has to eat an earthworm!” 

“Now how did we miss that?” Melissa mused, snapping off a plastic piece of chocolate cake from the window. Milo forgot all the food on the house was fake and bit into cardboard pumpernickel. He spat it out, wiping his tongue on his sleeve. 

Then a voice called from the inside of the house. “Stop eating the house or I’ll-I mean-who’s there?” The door opened, and Bradley stepped out. Milo and Melissa held in their snickers at the sight of Bradley in a dress. He scowled. “It’s a robe. Why is your hand stuck in a jar?”

Melissa wiped a tear from her eye. “Sure it is.”

Milo tugged on the jar, but it still wouldn’t come off. 

“Moving on,” Bradley rolled his eyes. “Come in, it’s been so long since I’ve had company.” Milo and Melissa followed him inside and sat at a large table filled with food themed children’s playsets. 

“Why didn’t you just use real food?” Zack asked.

“My sister has a lot of toys related to the culinary arts,” Lydia said. “I just asked to borrow them for the play. Besides, we won’t run the risk of allergies this way.” 

Amanda showed Zack the list of supplies for the first act. “As you can see, Lydia has taken certain artistic liberties by including Play-Doh kits in a story set in the 1800s. Chad, you can be dramatic as you want for this part.” 

Chad nodded, stepping out to address the audience. “Little did poor Hansel and Gretel know that the old woman who had taken them in and fed them was actually a wicked witch who feasts on any wayward children that may come by. Witches lack good eyesight but have a keen sense of smell.”

“No, Hansel!” Melissa cried as Bradley separated them, shoving Milo behind a door and locking it. 

“Your job is to handle all the chores around this house,” Bradley commanded. “Cook something good for your brother. When he is properly fattened, I shall eat him.” 

Melissa fell on her knees as she pleaded. “Are you sure you don’t want me instead? That jar is going to give you indigestion.” 

Bradley grimaced. “I’ll consider it. Boy, hold out your finger so I may feel if you are fat.” 

Instead of letting Bradley feel his finger, Milo held up a small bone. 

“Four long weeks passed,” Chad announced. “as they settled into a painful routine. Gretel cooked and cleaned. Hansel was forced to eat every morsel. The witch grew frustrated as the boy didn’t seem to fatten like she’d planned. She had decided to be rid of them once and for all.” 

Bradley ripped the covers of the bed off Melissa, who moaned. “Just because you’re about to eat us doesn’t mean you can  throw off someone’s bed sheets.” 

“Get up, lazybones,” Bradley snapped. “I can no longer wait. Regardless of your brother’s girth, I shall kill and eat him tomorrow.” 

“Not Hansel! He’s really unappetizing! And he’s been cursed by a different witch at birth to always have horrible luck! So if you eat him, then all that bad luck will transfer to you! Which is a double-edged sword now that I think about it,” Melissa wailed. 

Bradley grabbed her arm and dragged her to the oven. “I have already heated the oven and kneaded the dough. Crawl in to check if it’s properly heated.”

Melissa crossed her arms. “What kind of oven is this that I have to crawl in to see if it’s heated? Why can’t I just check it with my hand?” 

“But Gretel was too smart for the witch, and knew she had every intention of cooking her too,” Chad narrated. 

Bradley hastily made an excuse. “It’s a magical oven that gives you visions of unicorns and dragons?” 

“I am only a stupid girl who is constantly reliant on a male presence in my life,” Melissa replied. “I need a grown man’s permission to crawl inside ovens and have an imagination.” 

The door Milo was locked behind fell down. “That jar did come in useful after all,” Milo held up a badly cracked jar. “I definitely owe Mort a few bucks for this.”

“That jar had healing properties,” Mort sniffed. 

Since they couldn’t use real flames, Lydia had substituted in red and orange streamers. The thin strips waved wildly in the oven. 

“Silly girl, I’ll show you how it’s done.” Bradley was about to stick his head in the oven when the streamers suddenly caught fire. His witch hat fell off in his surprise and burned to a crisp. He caught his breath. “Why? Just why?” 

“This is awkward,” Zack said. 

“Understatement!” Lydia screamed. “This is the first act and the play is already ruined!” 

“I’m not so certain about that,” Amanda reassured her. “Milo isn’t the type of person who would let that happen. And while things may not go according to plan, you might find they have a way working out in the end. Look!” 

She directed Lydia’s attention to Milo, who dumped a bucket of water on Bradley. “I’M MELTING!” Bradley screeched in horror. “Melting...melting....” He slowly collapsed, grabbing Melissa’s apron in desperation. 

“And with the witch dead, Hansel and Gretel were free to take all the jewels, pearls, and silk they could possibly carry back home with them. Their wicked stepmother was dead, and their father was overjoyed to-”

Melissa tapped Chad on the shoulder, shaking her head. He nodded. “Change of plan, Hansel! We sure aren’t sharing any of this stuff with our spineless fool of a father!” Melissa announced. “Come, let’s buy our own house and live in comfort for the rest of our days!” 

“Yeah!” Milo cheered. “And with that, we lived happily ever after!” 

“We’ll be having a ten minute intermission, so keep your eyes peeled for Act 2!” Chad declared with a bow. Bradley stood up and dusted off his dress. Milo and Melissa waved to the audience as the curtain closed. 

“Thanks for the inspirational speech, but Act 2 is my chance to shine and I’m still nervous!” Lydia rushed to the dressing room to prepare for her role. “Take over for me!” She called over her shoulder.