#pooldead

You’re probably wondering how i got into this situation. Me falling through the air in slow motion with shattered glass all around me, holding on to my Appletini and also holding on to my dream. The dream of being reunited with my dear unicorn. Now where to start. I GOT IT! Let’s go back to yesterday. Hey don’t look at me like that. Look over here. No, not here. Here into this cloud. Yes it’s a bit cliche but it’s a flashback dammit. Deal with it! Now, where were we?

72 hours ago

I was trashing my house aroun-

“Our house!”

ZIP IT, AL! THIS IS MY STORY! Now where was I?

Wait. How’d you get here next to me falling? “I’m not here wade. I’m in your head continue please so I don’t have to continue falling.”

Oh, yeah I was telling MY STORY on how I lost my damn unicorn. So there I am trashing my house. And I couldn’t find it anywhere. So I had the bright idea to ask Al and she said it was just a toy. But it’s not just a toy. It’s my best friend, my kid, my lover. Wait, please scratch that. Hey writer, scratch that!That was off the record. Anyways, I explained it to her and she replies with, “Yes, wade, I see what you’re saying.” At the very moment I had to turn into Pool. Sherlock Pool. Is that copyright infringement?

At that moment I realized that Al had cleaned the house and could’ve mistaken my sweet baby for a real baby and thrown it away. Just the brought drove me insane! Why would she mistake something so sweet and innocent for something so cruel and evil? I made my way downtown. I needed to find the garbage truck. But first!

Yes I’ll take one chimichanga. Thank you.

What? I deserved a chimichanga. Don’t judge. I had to start figuring out where that truck was. I started asking around.

Si donde esta la truck de garbage? Okay. Grazias amigo!

It took me 3 hours to finally find that stupid truck. Sheesh. New York really needs to start recycling. So much garbage nowadays, God. Anyways I pulled up to the driver and he says

“Listen, kid. Do I look like I know where your stupid unicorn is?”

I was baffled. So I reply, “Look, you old bag of dick tarts. If someone laid a hand on my baby I will go on a killing spree and I will start with you!” I looked down at his name tag and it read “S Lee”

“Listen here, Slee. I will find out where you live and I will rip every last hair on your head. Not that you have many left,” yeah I was gonna dig into this mans soul.

“Go check the dump you, moron!”

With a flip of the bird, I was making my way downtown. NO, NOT WALKING FAST! Sheesh. These kids drive me insane Al.

Anyways I made my way into the office and find some large black guy that seemed to be a king pin in a bad 2000s marvel movie. He stood straight up.

Daaaaaaaaamm. You’re a lot taller than you looked while sitting.

“How can I help you?”

Can I feel your Adam’s apple? Your voice is like a mixture of Morgan Freeman’s and Sam L Jackson.

“No.”

Okay, play hard, I like it that way. Anyyyyyways have you seen a pinkish,purplish, rainbow haired unicorn? It’s my baby and I’ve lost her!!!!

“I might’ve seen it.”

Wha-? Where? When? Start speaking Fisk!

“We sent into town for donations. Go check Main Street.”

Aahhhhh, Fine! But first- I got real close and personal touched his Adam’s apple and skipped over the bridge down, through the woods and to grandmas house I went. But in this case Main Street.

5 hours later

I might’ve stopped along the way and grabbed a couple drinks. Don’t judge me. I will shoot you till the day lady does not go to McDonald’s for a big greasy Mac!

I finally arrived on Main Street. And see a couple goodies surrounding a kid HOLDING MY SWEET UNICORN! I had to think fast. So I had to save the child. And the boy. The boy matters too. The boy got into a limo but that didn’t worry me. But the big hairy motherfuckers did. They definitely did. I needed back up. I needed the X FORCE!

(Phone ringing) “hi you’ve reached colossus”

(Negasonic in the background)”that’s so cheesy” what I was going for kind “whatever” leave a message at the to-

I hung up before the tin man finished. I tried the others and no one answered. Not even Peter answered. How could he not answer me?

“Well wade you’re a piece of shi-“

Wow. Al language. This is rated PG.

Since no one answered I had to go at it alone. I followed them. Everywhere. To the restaurants. To the bathroom. To the showers. Okay maybe not that far. But I stalked those big hairy Wookiees and that little boy. But most importantly I kept eye on my poor little unicorn. But then I got caught. From behind. No I didn’t drop the soap. I dropped a deuce at the wrong time. And then BAM! I got hit from behind.

Some hours later I don’t know might’ve been a day or so

I woke up tied to a chair.

“Wade mother fuc-“

Wow. wow. wow! 2 things. Actually 3 things. One, this is rated PG! So STOP FUCKING CURSING! Dos. Did you see that? The guy who’s telling my story couldn’t keep track of the days. And finally C. You’re the boy, I mean man, I mean.... what are you?

“It doesn’t matter what I am”

But you’re adorable. I don’t know whether to hit you or hug you. Whether to put you to sleep or for real out you to sleep. Wink wink cough cough sneeze.

“So Tiny told me you were looking for MY unicorn.”

First of all this is my story on why that’s my unicorn. And tiny? You mean that big black guy with the narrator voice?

“Yeah. That’s Tiny. And story? What the hell are you-“

Hey, what did I just say? This is rated P Fucking G! Yknow what? Y’all have till the count of 3 to give up.

“Ha! Did you hear that boys? Until the count of 3”

1!

“Ooohhh! We’re so scared!”(the Wookiees start laughing behind him”

2!

“Whatcha gonna do wade if I kiss MY sweet unicorn?”

That does it! 3! Okay. I’m actually tied down stronger than usual. So give me a second.

I started scooting towards the window.

Just give me a second. Hold on. Wait.

Then wee man walked over to me. Well he’s not wee man but this dude was short.

“Oh, wade. You’re making it hard on yourself.” At that very moment time slowed down. I got up did a 360 kicked my unicorn out of his hands making him crash out the window. I jumped out as well grabbing a very convenient appletini that fell out for some reason. I don’t understand science it just happens, yknow. And grabbing my poor unicorn as well.

Now back to regular paced time. (Is that how you say it, writer?” Anyways. We both fell all the way down. And it hurt. A lot. Like hell. Like a lot like hell. I don’t know I can’t describe pain. And for the midget. Well his jacket got caught on a light post. And we all lived happily ever after.

You didn’t think that’s how it finished, did ya? He actually splatted on that concrete. You can still find the imprint of where he landed. Look it’s over there. No not there. Here look. No? Ugh! You’re pointless! Anyways, that’s my story. I got my unicorn. And justice was served. To one man at least. He won’t do that again. Or anything else at that.