#polyshit

Damien scoffed. "Your partner is balancing a TABLE ON HER FEET!"

Gavin turned back to see his partner was indeed balancing a table on her feet. She was doing what looked like a handstand on a stool with an end table on her shins.

"Stop grinning like that." Damien spat.

"I can feel your lust shooting through the roof." Gavin chuckled. "And they're officially my partner. You three kinda came into our relationship."

Damien scoffed again and glared. He could see why Gavin and Lasko loved Freelancer so much. It was incredible and they way she bent and oh lord have mercy there were thoughts.

He smacked Gavin and the incubus began snickering. God dammit it.

so here i am, 2 weeks since we last talked, hugged, kissed. I remember holding you in my arms, telling you no matter what I would always love you. You were silent. That silence now speaks volumes in my heart, over and over again. a broken record stuck on each moment where I felt safe with you, and then fear.

My mind only gives me a moment of reprieve, and it comes back all over again. how you couldn't be honest with me. How we couldn't have a conversation. how after everything SHE did to you and you did to keep things "OK", you didn't feel safe enough to communicate and figure out anything, anything but a sudden plan of no contact with me. You blamed your relationship with her. you said I did nothing wrong. You said it wasn't what you wanted but what you needed. You left no room for conversation, completely shutting me out after months of support and what felt like true, deep love on both sides.

it still hurts. coming in waves.

I went to a mardi gras party last night I had hoped to take you to. But you really never wanted to come, did you? Maybe you liked the idea of it, but just as you dropped out of the show because it wasn't a high enough caliber for you, this party would have disappointed you too. You said you didn't have expectations. but the reality is, you didn't have any self awareness of your own expectations. Did you like the idea of me too? Was I too real for you? Too loving, too accepting? Too ready to bare my soul to the world and be completely honest about how I feel? did that scare you? If it did my dear, you have a lot of growing up to do.

I did a dumb, listened to the recording of the songs you performed when we went out for open mic.

gosh you sounded lovely. i fell for you even more that night. But the songs you chose, talking about what to Become for another, living in the moment not thinking of the future.... Did you ever think about the future? Were you even able? Did you ever think about who you really wanted to be for yourself or were you just that talented at reflecting back what you knew others wanted out of you?

But were you already pulling back? I never saw you look at me once. But did you need to? Maybe I don't know what love is, maybe its just what I think its supposed to be. I miss you I MISS YOU.

But even then. I was overthinking myself. I couldn't be my full authentic self at that point and I didn't know why. I held back for some, strange reasons that now feel obvious. But I have processed so much in the past week. I am ready- I want to be ready to let you in again at any capacity- but somehow I know- you won't be.

seriously, i get why we couldnt go on like this but it was so sudden for me. You, you, you... played the part so well. Too well. You never let me in. and then you pushed me out so completely. But..