#polyamoryproblems

So you know how we all have to-do lists? No? Just me? Ok, just a few of us. But here’s the thing about to-do lists: we might should have to-don’t lists too.

I can only speak from my own experience, but I figured I’ll post some ideas of to-don’ts here

1. Don’t ask one partner for advice on whether to go monogamous with another partner or not. S did this recently, saying he needed advice about his new partner. I’m used to that, because people seem to think I have my head screwed on straight when it comes to relationships (God knows why, I’m just fumbling in the dark like everyone else), but then he said he’d never felt this way about anyone since he was 16. Ok, fine, that’s hurtful but honest. And obviously something I needed to hear, as I’d been feeling that way about him as well as M recently. I felt like the method wasn’t great but it was better I learn this now rather than later, when I’m fully invested in a serious relationship.

It turned out the advice he needed was because he was ‘scared he might go monogamous’ as his new partner is vaguely nonmonogamous but not into polyamory. I’m gonna make a sweeping statement and suggest it might be good to never ask one of your partners for advice on going monogamous with another partner, unless you are ending the relationship right then and there, and even then it’s callous at best.

My initial idea, many moons ago, for this blog, was to write daily or weekly or with whatever frequency about the daily and not-so-daily happenings between M and H ad me, and our other partners/love interests/metamours, but the focus was always more on my own side of things, mostly because I wanted to be able to look back and see how far we’d come. Because we are growing. So much.

The first thing that really made me want to start this blog was M starting a relationship with a lovely person called F. F was someone I really wanted to get to know better and become better friends with, so when it turned out M was interested in her it felt in some ways like winning a lottery.

Being new to a polyamorous relationship set in the same location for a prolonged length of time, I was a little nervous and a little jealous, but also excited - would our fledgling relationship (a month or so) withstand a new person so soon? Why couldn’t we have had a little more time to indulge our NRE before another began? Was this proof I was a rebound? Could this be a sneaky and wonderful way to get to know F better? Will M stop wanting to spend so much time with me? Wow, this is the first time in several years that M is able to act on his polyness, I’m so happy for him! I can’t wait to see how we grow through this and develop more together and separately!

I spoke with M about all of these feelings, and we decided that we should have a boundaries chat, but unfortunately kept putting it off due to general lifeyness.

Finally, M met up with F to tell her his feelings, and they spent a pleasant few hours in one another’s company at a mutual favourite cafe.

The next morning, M and I had our boundary talk.

We’re still learning and exploring but the boundaries we set then were:

1. We will use condoms with all partners until everyone gets retested and the matter is discussed, as feels appropriate. 2. We will have showers between sexual partners (now it’s festival season we’re starting to think of workarounds!) 3. We will be honest and respectful of each other’s time as far as possible. If I say I’ll be somewhere, I’ll be there, if I say I’ll do something, I’ll do it. 4. We will be honest. If I feel like something is going somewhere quickly or slowly or will be a very deep connection or a more fleeting one, I will communicate that, and if it changes I’ll tell you that too. I will also try my best to let you know before things turn physical (beyond widely perceived ‘safe for public’ activities) with another partner (within reason eg. if I might be about to have a one night stand and you’re asleep and don’t pick up the phone then we’ll talk about it later) 5. I will do my best to introduce you to my lovers and potential love interests as soon as it is possible and feels right.

So just over half of those are poly-specific :P 3 and 4 are generally good things to do in any relationship (being honest and respecting time commitments).

So far, so good, but later that day I stopped hearing from M, he never showed up at my place that evening and I found out the next day he’d stayed at a friend’s house with F. When we met the next day it turned out they’d had sex at said friend’s house. It struck me as funny for a few minutes when I realised that wasn’t me I could smell on his beard, but that’s the bit I still remember the keenest 8 months on.

We talked a lot and tried to work things out over the next couple of days, and I asked M to tell me when he was seeing F beforehand for the next little while to help me rebuild trust in him again. Unfortunately, the New Year’s Party he and I were planning to go to together wound up being abruptly difficult for him to get to and I didn’t hear from him until I called as the bus we were meant to get was about to leave, and it turned out he was with F preparing to drive up to the party together.

My ex (also poly, and a good friend) was at the party and noticed as I got off the bus that I was not in a good place, and I spent almost two hours being That Guy crying on him before M showed up. M and I talked a lot (and cried a lot) and agreed to enjoy the party together, then spend the next two or three days at M’s house with some MDMA and just settle in for a days-long honesty marathon.

That episode, and the few weeks after it, was the most hurt I’ve ever been in a relationship, which may well mean I’m very lucky. It’s something that still greatly affects my trust in M, and is something we’re still working through many months later. (Also thank god for H - if he wasn’t such a relaxing, chill presence, I would have been so wired all the time I’d have burnt out completely)

If there’s anyone worrying about being ‘the only one’ or that it’s ‘bad’, I think it’s probably pretty normal to still be insecure, hurt and angry many months later, as long as you’re honest and working on it and it’s not eating you up all the time. I don’t feel upset by it constantly, it’s just the occasional time (like now) where thoughts like ‘you steamrolled through almost all our boundaries on the same damn day we talked about them?!’ or ‘how can I trust you not to do that again when you did it so soon?’ or ‘did I make a mistake in choosing to trust someone who pulls shit like that?’ materialise and bother me.

And also: just because it hurts like hell now doesn’t mean you can’t get through it. When F transitioned her and M’s relationship to a platonic one, my first thought was genuine sadness for him. It can turn around completely. If you want to enough, you will find a way. If you don’t, there is no shame in that either. Just be honest with yourself.