#polyamory discourse

The way that non-poly people are using the term "emotional cheating" is wild though. I've heard people say that when a person who's in a monoamorous relationship develops feelings for someone other than their partner, that's "emotional cheating."

I really don't understand what planet these people live on that they think developing feelings for someone is an intentional choice, or that having feelings for someone other than your partner means you're not being faithful enough.

If you're in a monoamorous relationship and have feelings for someone besides your partner, know that it's okay. You don't choose who you're attracted to or who you develop feelings for. It doesn't mean you love your partner any less.

Oh. Oh ew.

I would censor this one but the username is literally "I hate poly freaks". This subreddit clearly doesn't care about blatant bullying or hatespeech I guess.

It's not even "Polycritical" at this point it's just straight-up Polyamphobia!

Polyamorous people aren't "Invading queer spaces". The same thing was said about bisexuals and aro/ace people. This argument is stupid as shit. Polyamorous people go against society's norms of what relationships should look like which is pretty fucking queer imo.

No being polyamorous is not treating love as disposable. Tell me you don't know how being polyam works without telling me. The right way to have a polyam relationship is communication and respecting boundaries -- these relationships can really function as healthily as monogamous ones but because you're monogamous & polyamphobic you couldn't possibly imagine a healthy polyamorous relationship!

Oh wow you're sooo special for not being polyamorous. Congratulations, instead of being a "polyamorous leftist" you're a "bigoted leftist"! Have fun being an oxymoron honey.

How the fuck is it not? Polyamory goes against the established and rigid "rules" of society for how relationships should work. And I saw multiple posts saying that Polyamorous people aren't oppressed except for the fact, of course, that their relationships aren't treated as viable in the eyes of the law. Polyamorous people can't get married, therefore they don't have a lot of relationship equality as straight married couples; this includes things like health insurance and housing. That sounds pretty oppressive to me. Not only that but we have dickheads like you saying shit like "why do all polyamorous people look ugly?" "do all polyamorous people just hate themselves?" or that stupid fucking meme that was like: "you mention you're queer around the [insert rude shit here] polyamorous person!" and other shitty ass polyamphobic rhetoric!

This is NOT "critical". NONE of this looks respectful or like actual proper arguments, just the same "Polyam people are ugly/toxic/freaks" bullshit you see from most bigots.

But on the other hand, I feel like there's this sort of... pressure on polyam people on tumblr to constantly say how polyamory isn't superior and it's fine to be mono, and all that. And that's fucking annoying because... are you guys not aware that monogamous people are privileged?? Probably not, given how popular stupid ass takes on how polyam people aren't oppressed are =_= I'm not going to get into details here, but please educate yourself on the matter before bringing dumbass hot takes onto my posts.

Anyway, my point is, this is functionally the same thing as feminists being told that "not all men". Like, it's not this statement is incorrect in and of itself, men really aren't all evil (especially marginalized men, who are the ones who are most hurt by people saying that all men are evil), the problem is the way the statement is used, you know? When people are discussing how prevalent sexual violence is in our society and you come and go "but not all men are rapists" you're not wrong, but you are derailing the discussion, and making it about men's feelings as opposed to serious harm that a lot of men (and on somewhat more rare occasions, women (noting this so people don't think that I'm saying only men can be rapists, which is obviously untrue & dangerous to say)) cause.

And it's the same thing with polyamory vs monogamy. Polyam people talk about how it's unfair that society pressures them into monogamy and then mono people (and some polyam people too, which is even more annoying) go "it's equally bad when you pressure your partner into polyamory" and like. Sure, on an individual level it's equally bad to pressure a person into a relationship structure they don't want regardless of what that structure is. But y'all really should stop acting like individual people being pressured into polyamory by their individual shitty partners is the same as the entire goddamn society pressuring everyone to be monogamous. Some guy (and it's mostly cis straight guys, let's be real) using polyamory as an excuse to cheat on his girlfriend is bad, but it's not the same as your friends and family calling you a cheater for being in a fully consensual polyamorous relationship. Some random person on the internet being holier than thou on the internet isn't the same as only having actual marriage equality in like two countries, if any.

So I am making a super fine distinction in order to make excuses for an otherwise-unpleasant trait of my favorite character, but technically--

Envy is when you want something someone else has and you don’t. So if Steve has a cookie and Bob doesn’t, Bob might envy Steve. Bob might also envy Steve when they both have cookies, because he thinks Steve’s cookie is better somehow.

Jealousy is when you want to exclusively have what you have. If Steve has a cookie and Bob wants some of it, Steve might jealously guard his cookie. Steve might also be jealous if Bob gets a cookie of his own, feeling that his cookie-having superiority is being threatened.

This is a distinction that almost nobody makes in conversation, though. Like, normally you’d look at someone with a fantastic cookie and say, “Ooh, I’m jealous!” and anyone who came by and said, “No, technically, you’re envious” would rightly get things thrown at them.

Romantic jealousy implies that you think of the other person as your partner already. If it’s about someone who isn’t your partner, it reflects badly on you because there’s an assumed entitlement to that person associated with it. If it’s about someone who is your partner but the two of you haven’t made any (stated or implied) promises about exclusivity, then jealousy is a you-problem and not a them-problem, and you get to handle it like a big boy or girl.

I would absolutely characterize Ron and Hermione’s reactions to each other in book 6 as jealousy. In particular, they both thought they had an arrangement, and then each thought the other had violated it. (Ron’s was more out of line, for the record--they certainly didn’t have an arrangement back when Hermione kissed Krum, but we can see why Hermione thought they had one when Ron kissed Lavender.)