I think I'm polyamorous. I mean, I'm more than okay with having multiple partners, so that makes sense to me. But it goes further.

I'm not polygamous because I don't like the idea of marriage very much. In fact, I don't like the idea of dating very much because it makes things feel restricting and when I'm actually in a relationship I feel like every single fault of mine is too much and here's my train of thought:

"They don't deserve me. They deserve someone so much better than me, and I hate myself and I can't fathom why they put up with me. I need to break it off right away because I love them so much that I will sacrifice my happiness for them so they can find someone that's good enough for them."

And even if I do feel like dating I won't because I like other people too and when I like people it's not like 'Oh yeah, he's awesome but I really like her.' 

No, when I like someone (even as a friend really) I will do anything for you. I will try my hardest to make you happy. I feel most fulfilled when people need me, and any other time I'm usually drowning in my sea of despair. If you need me for anything, please remember that I need you. 

Anything at all. I'll fold your fucking laundry. I don't give a fuck. I will always be here for you, even if you aren't.

I'm most comfortable as 'friends with benefits' but I don't like that term because it's makes me seem like the bad guy. And how I love you isn't always going to be the same. Sometimes I'm only attracted to you sexually, sometimes I'm not attracted to you sexually at all, and I want to be someone who takes you on romantic trips to city rooftops or whatever. Sometimes your just my friend I want to experience things with, such as exploring abandoned places with.

And I'm sorry. I'm so so very sorry. If you want something from me that's different than what I want, I will do everything in my power to change myself for you, but I can't guarantee that I will change.

But no one's ever really interested in a polyamorous relationship, or getting with someone who is polyamorous. Many people have already told me how gross they think it is. So by following my heart, I guess it's just leading me further down the path of self-loathing.