#polyam asks

I hope this isn't too heavy to throw at you but I could really use the advice or opinion of the polyam community. I've been polyamorous ever since I started dating (6 years ago, I'm an adult); I never recognised myself in monogamy, and I believe in polyamory both due to personal preferences and to the political and ethical dimensions of polyamory, which are very important to me.

My partner and I live very far away from each other. We've been together for 3 years and have always had a polyamorous and open relationship (he was with someone who was married when I met him). Due to circumstances and personal preferences, we ended up in a hierarchical polyam situation where we are primary partners. We trust each other a lot, we have a very open and honest communication. All this to say it's a very loving and healthy polyam frame where everyone is on the same page.

The thing is, every time he tells me he's going to see someone (or have them over - meaning we can't talk at night like we tend to almost every day -, or go on a weekend with his friends and that person), it makes me sick. As in, I can't stop thinking about it, I feel sad and angry, I wait for texts I know won't come because he's busy with someone else. But I reach levels of envy and jealousy I can hardly deal with.

We do talk about it, because communication is important, but I refuse to talk to him about it every time because it would amount to emotionally pressuring him. He would either stop himself from seeing people (which is not something I want because I do want him to be free to create and have meaningful relations as he sees fit), or do everything without telling me, which would eventually weaken the foundation of the trust we share. I try to think about my own relations and sex partners, which I have and with whom I share meaningful and nice moments, in order to bring everything down to manageable proportions, but it barely works.

I hate feeling like this. This suffering is just not something I want in my life or as a reaction to my partner's exercise of his freedom. I don't understand why I'm not able to feel compersion and move on with my evening, instead of spending the entire excruciatingly long time with my phone at hand or without being able to put the thought away. I feel that I'm not actually able to be polyam and open as I have always seen myself. I know one of the baselines is to not be too hard on yourself, but I can't help but feel ashamed of my reactions in addition to feeling like absolute shit with the combination of jealousy and envy taking over my brain. This is not who I want to be not how I want to live my relationship and my life, because, then again, I choose to be polyamorous and I like it, and I feel it's a precious part of my identity and how I relate to the world.

Sorry for the length. I just don't have many polyam people around me and none are dealing with the long distance factor in addition, and I could use anyone's point of view on this.

Thank you 💜

Hi! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and that you have been for so long. As I'm sure you've heard a hundred times, jealousy is so, so very normal. It's awesome you have such exquisite self-awareness, and I think you're doing all the right things in not putting your partner in a position where he feels like he needs to change what he's doing for your sake.

Here are a few things that sometimes help me turn my own jealousy into compersion (or at least make it less intense of a feeling):

I think about my partner's laugh, their smile, and how valuable their happiness is to me. Although I know they're with someone else and it's sometimes hard to think about their attraction to the other person, I try to focus on how I would encourage them to do anything that makes them happy, and if they're happy with this person, I would never want them to pull away from that source of joy. (Similar to the "if you love them let them go" kind of logic, only I don't have to let them go!)

Letting my body react however it's going to react. If I'm home by myself, I can let myself feel the feelings and whatever comes with it -- if I need to cry, or stress eat, or take a nap, or scream, or whatever, I allow myself to do whatever it takes to express the feeling and get it out of my system. It feels awful at first, but once it passes, I can then indulge in my own hobbies to pass the time until my partner comes home. And usually, the feeling goes away just a little bit faster every time.

Getting a poly-affirming therapist! Either an individual therapist or, if your partner is willing, a couple's therapist. It may take a bit to find the right practice or the right type, but it can be so helpful to have a professional to talk to, especially if this affects your daily life.

Additionally, see if you can figure out the root cause of your jealousy, or if you can find any patterns in what makes you more jealous than other things. (Journaling is suuuuper helpful for this, imo). Is it the idea of him being attracted to someone else to begin with? Is it the thought of him having sex or physical intimacy with someone else? Is it the inability to contact him while he is on a date, or the uncertainty about what they're doing together? There are soooo many factors that could make a person feel insecure or jealous, and once you find the root cause, it'll be easier to tackle. It may be as simple as asking him to check in with a text every couple of hours so that you know he's thinking about you, or asking to meet his date before they go out. See if you and your partner can find little ways to make you feel more secure without him having to completely pull away from anyone he wants to connect with.

I have answered a few other asks on jealousy in case you would like to read those as well!

I hope that this helps at least a little bit, and I'm sorry I didn't get to answering this sooner (and thank you for following up to make sure I saw it)! Hopefully others will give their own insights in the reblogs and comments as well.

-Punk

7. what would your ideal polyamorous representation in media look like?

I have been with my Fiancée for almost 8 months. Before meeting her, I identified as gay and strictly nonmonogamous. HRT turned me bi around the time we met, and we got together. Before we did, I explained that I was strictly nonmonogamous, and she said she was fine with that.

Fast forward a couple months, and it turns out she is very not okay with that. After our relationship got serious, she changed her mind. At this point, she was the most important person in the world to me, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. After a couple months of thinking and talking, we made a deal. We would be sexually monogamous and emotionally nonmonogamous. She was significantly more bothered by the idea of me having sex with other people than anything else, and for me, emotional nonmonogamy is a necessity, while sexual nonmonogamy is just a preference.

This deal is totally fine for me. While I would prefer sexual nonmonogamy, I am perfectly fine giving it up for the health of our relationship. But I fear she is trying to shift us into full monogamy and I don't know what to do.

I used to be very proud of my nonnormative identity. But now I'm in a straight monogamous relationship, and we're going to get married, something I swore I'd never do. She constantly makes jokes about me being straight (but jokes about herself being a lesbian) and how much of a jealous person she is. It makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes, I feel like I've lost a part of myself, like I'm being forced into the role I used to reject so harshly.

I miss being gay. But I love her more than anything in the world. But recently I've been really yearning for a boyfriend. But I feel like I can't tell her that. And leaving her is not an option. I know she loves me and she's willing to make sacrifices for me and she wants to communicate with me. Outside of this, we do actually have a very happy and healthy relationship. I want to be with her forever. And I also want to be with a man. And I don't want to feel like my queerness is being erased. And she's queer to, it's not like she's some straight woman trying to convert me.

We had the (non)monogamy talk over text during a brief period of long-distance. I checked the messages to write this. She was very adamant that it is okay for me to have very close relationships with others, that I can go on dates with them, and that I can be affectionate with them. The only thing she took issue with was cuddling, but ultimately said that I deserved the freedom to do so, even if it bothered her. We did not discuss kissing. I don't feel like this is actually how she feels. She acts jealous generally, especially when I think a guy is cute. I feel like, while she might say she's okay with it, if I actually got in a relationship, she would get upset.

I know that the obvious solution is to talk to her, and I'm going to. But I'm nervous. I know that it'll be messy and we'll probably both get upset. I'm going to tell her that I don't want her joking about me being straight anymore. And we're going to go over her boundaries again, especially with cuddling and all the things we didn't actually touch on, like kissing and labels. I can do it, but it'll be scary, and I'm going through a tough time rn separate to all of this. Thank you for listening to me ramble <3

This is a hard situation, and I'm so sorry this is happening. Nothing about this is easy, or is going to be easy as you work through it.

From what you have written here, I too get the vibe that she is trying to slowly transition you into being monogamous, by first agreeing to poly, and then excluding sex from the poly arrangement, then excluding cuddling from the poly arrangement... I would expect more and more gestures of affection to be slowly excluded if your relationship continues this way. All this on top of "joking" about being such a jealous person and invalidating your identity even though you have expressed that it makes you uncomfortable makes me worry she is trying to make you feel bad about being poly and decide on your own to be monogamous with her, even though you were upfront about your polyamorous identity from the start. A partner should be making you feel proud of who you are, not making fun of your insecurities about how you are perceived.

I do have a few questions for you -- not necessarily ones you need to answer, but things for you to consider. First, you said you swore you would never get married. What changed your mind? Who proposed? Are you looking forward to the wedding? Is there any chance she believes that marriage inherently means promising monogamy and exclusivity? Are you prepared for the additional level of enmeshment that comes with a legal marriage (insurances, taxes, possible name changes, etc)?

Second, you said breaking up is not an option. Why is that? Do you live together? Are kids involved? Keep in mind that you can absolutely love someone and choose to not be in a relationship with them if you recognize you want different things from life. I do not doubt at all your love for her -- you're sacrificing a lot for her comfort, which you wouldn't do if you didn't love her! -- but I do question what this relationship does for you. What would change if you changed the label on your relationship so that you are free to pursue others as you like, and she is free to pursue someone who wants the same things she does from a romantic partnership?

You hit the nail on the head when you say you know the answer is to communicate all of this to her. My concern is that she will say what she thinks you want to hear, and then when problems arise again you will find yourself in the same place you are now, if not a worse one. This sort of thing can go on a downward spiral pretty quickly.

I’m someone who has identified as polyam for a few years, but for a long while now I’ve been having an identity crisis.

I don’t feel monogamous (although honestly I wish I were just fully monogamous oriented because it would be easier in many ways) but lately I’m starting to feel like I don’t really feel polyamorous either?

I have one partner of over a year, who has a lot of other partners (idk how many), and our relationship is non-hierarchical and has been since we started dating, which sounded great to me in theory, but I’ve been in a few relationships like that now, and the way it’s been applied in practice has left me feeling miserable both times, more often than not. And like I feel too on edge to get deeply close to who I’m dating, so there’s a level of emotional distance that I wish there wasn’t.

Just on a practical level, for a long time I felt an unwanted internal pressure to compete with their other partners for who will actually get to be their nesting partner in the next few years, or if not that, a serious commitment in their long term life. I guess I’ve been repressing and dismissing those feelings for a long time because I thought it was internalized mononormativity that I thought I should just get over. I thought I could get used to it. And because I was out of touch with my own priorities.

But regardless, it’s exhausting and miserable, unsustainable. I don’t think anything can get me used to living with this extreme uncertainty. I think I could in theory comfortably deal with that level of unpredictability with someone I was dating, *if* I had a nesting primary partner, who I knew I would get to pretty much consistently see every day, or even just every week, who I knew I would text back and forth with every day when we couldn’t hang out. But I don’t have that right now. I can’t help but resent myself for feeling so emotionally needy and clingy compared to a lot of poly people I know, but I’m tired of denying that this is how I experience love.

I’m not officially dating anyone else, but there are other people I have feelings for, I guess they could be considered friendships with romantic and/or sexual benefits, that I hope maybe can become something more serious with time. I can’t help but have feelings for multiple people at once, and I feel like it would definitely cause me to be unhappy if I tried full blown monogamy again. But I feel completely out of place in all of the polyamorous spaces I’ve been in. I feel conflicted, wondering if there is a type of non monogamous relationship dynamic that’s more in between. Maybe a micro label I haven’t heard of? Though I don’t like the implications of hierarchy- I just want stability, security.

I feel like one of my biggest issues here is something like, I want the security of having a partner who *wants* to prioritize me, who I can expect to be there for me consistently. I don’t want someone to prioritize me out of obligation, which is what monogamy seems like to me most of the time. But I miss the feelings of stability that I found were unique to monogamy, where I had one person I intended to make a home with, maybe even have a family someday. A lot of my concerns are of practicality. I’m broke, chronically ill and fatigued, have very limited time and energy- which means maybe my current partner is capable of maintaining 3-5+ ongoing semi-serious romantic/sexual relationships at once, but where I’m at now I can probably only healthily handle one sexual, romantic relationship *with a serious long term focus specifically*. And I realistically can’t have that with someone who functions in relationships like they do.

I’m autistic, have a lot of trauma and a personality disorder, and I feel like my experiences with polyamory have been so unpredictable in terms of what I can expect and also what I feel I’m allowed to expect of my current/past partners. I feel like since I started being poly I’m on a constant emotional rollercoaster. Which was exciting for a while, but now I’m utterly exhausted and so burnt out I barely want any romantic/sexual interaction with anyone at all. I’m frequently spiraling over the fear of being abandoned and the fact that I feel frequently sidelined (until I’m the chosen one for the day), which was also the case with my ex I was poly with. I don’t want a relationship that’s fully closed. But I want the security of a relationship that’s more closed, idk how to explain it.

I’m not sure how to navigate this. I love my partner, but I don’t love how our relationship feels *as* a romantic relationship. I feel like maybe we aren’t compatible in terms of being in a committed romantic partnership, and honestly I feel like I’d be less stressed out if we weren’t romantic partners (at least with how things are and where I’m at currently).

Another thing, it seems like they’re really into group romantic and sexual interactions, and over time I’ve realized I strongly dislike being involved in that, it’s usually very overstimulating for me. And I feel like a bad partner for not wanting to do stuff like that to please my partner, I feel like it prevents us from being closer. And I end up feeling excluded constantly bc of this, even though I’m sure they aren’t trying to make me feel that way. This goes back to how even though I’m poly to some degree, I generally end up feeling excluded from and unwanted in (specifically t4t) poly spaces because I don’t want to have threesomes and cuddle piles and stuff like that. I wonder if there are poly spaces that don’t come with these expectations, but also aren’t the types of (usually cis) unicorn hunters with uncomfortably patriarchal dynamics.

I want me and my partner to still be very close, no matter what. I’m not sure if my feelings align more with wanting to be in a queerplatonic relationship, or something else? I’m not sure how to bring that up, since I don’t even know what I want. I’m also arospec, where the lines blur for me between romantic and platonic attraction, which my partner is aware of but it does additionally complicate things. Whatever happens, they’re very important to me, and I don’t want to lose them- if anything I want a change in our relationship because I want us to be closer, and I feel like because of my mental state that can’t happen in the context of us in a romantic partnership.

Just in general, I have no idea how to navigate this, I feel very overwhelmed (also due to other factors in life rn) and I would appreciate it v much if anyone has suggestions on how to go about untangling this- my overall feelings of confusion around my identity, having a vague idea of what I want but not exactly, not knowing how to explore it healthily, etc- as well as the particular relationship I mentioned. I don’t expect anyone to solve this for me, only I can do that, but just a little help and reassurance that I’m not a terrible person for feeling this way would mean so much to me. Thank you. (Also sorry this is so long and sorry if this is formatted in a messy hard to follow way, I’m struggling to think straight rn)

Hi anon!

First of all, I want to say that everything you say here is completely understandable, and a lot of it are things I think the whole community has had to face at one time or another. There is a tough balance between stability and variety when you're dating multiple people, especially if they're typically short-term relationships.

Despite what you say about being uncertain about your identity, you do seem to know exactly what you want: a non-exclusive long-term relationship with someone that you live with and can build a routine with, someone you know will be there for you at the end of the day (figuratively and literally) no matter what. Someone you can come home to after a date with someone else, and who also goes out with other people separately from you. Not that this relationship would be inherently more serious than the ones you have with other people you see, but someone who would be a constant amidst constant change. You also say you want a partner who wants to prioritize you rather than doing so out of obligation, and I would dare say that that's a really, really good standard to have! It's so, so important to have a partner who is considerate and makes you feel prioritized! Don't settle for less.

I want to assure you that I truly, truly believe there are a lot of people out there in the poly community who want what you want, and that you will find them. Don't give up on that. Despite the stereotype that polyamorous people "can't commit," I find that a lot of the most committed relationships I've had have been nonmonogamous ones. Looking for that stability doesn't make you any less polyamorous. Nor does preferring one-on-one time with your partners above cuddle piles and group dates and such. The right partners will be understanding of that aspect of who you are.

This ask was sent quite a long time ago, so I'm sure circumstances may have changed in the past few months with your partners and your own personal journey. I'm sorry it took me so long! If you'd like to share updates or to respond anonymously, I'll do my best to answer a bit more quickly next time! In the meantime, I hope others will respond in the reblogs/comments with their own insights for you :)

I was wondering, am I considered poly if I want to be in an alterous relationship with multiple people? or if I get a mesh (alterous crush) on more than one person at a time?

Never too late to do anything ever

Only the ex already has a boyfriend.

My partner really wants their ex to talk to their boyfriend about polyamory before the two of them hang out any further.

I guess I’m just wondering how dubious this situation seems. It feels unethical to pursue someone already in a relationship and potentially ask them to change their relationship structure? Or should I just butt out since it’s not my relationship?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Totally understand your concerns, but I think your partner insisting their ex talk to their boyfriend about poly before anything happens between them is the most ethical thing they can do. Asking someone if they are open to non-monogamy isn't an ultimatum; if ex's boyfriend says he only wants a monogamous relationship, that's that. If he decides to end the relationship, that is his choice too. But it is very important that he knows his partner wants to explore their feelings for someone else and possibly wants to take things further. It would be wildly unfair to NOT ask him. So long as both your partner and their ex are prepared to accept whatever answer ex's boyfriend gives, all is good. He shouldn't feel pressured to say yes.