The Multiamory Podcast did an Episode (Ep.438) discussing the intersection of polyamory and aromanticism.
Explicitly polyamorous/ polyaffectionate aromantics, not asexuals!
You are all welcome to chip in/ add on through reblogs and tags and commentary!
The relevant Facebook announcement got shared into a group I happen to be in and as I commented, thanking the person for sharing it seeing as the group wasnāt aro-related at all, I got politely asked to explain how polyamory works for me as an aromantic asexual.
Keep in mind this explanation was targeted for an audience/ readership of allo-allo polyamorous people.
Also: CONTENT WARNING ā ļø
Internalised acephobia, self-depreciation, implication of sexualised abuse, mention of faithfulness
So the first thing I always say is that: disclaimer ā obviously I can only talk about my personal perspective and aromantic people are very diverse, asexual people are very diverse
I just happen to be an asexual aromantic, whereas many aromantics are allosexual (meaning any sexual orientation that isnāt asexuality); seeing as this post is explicitly about the intersection of aromanticism and polyamory
I personally want a queerplatonic/ alterous life partner
Thatās my personal wish, I want someone to share my life with
I consider myself polyaffectionate, seeing as Iām not āamorousā in any way shape or form
To me this means a few things
1) I practice relationship anarchy ā I do not place a romantic relationship on some arbitrary pedestal, every relationship is important to me and that relationship looking like romance doesnāt mean much
For the other things I need to explain about myself first
I am a sex-averse asexual. I have had sex. I didnāt like it. I am generally sex-positive but I donāt necessarily want/ seek sex as part of any committed relationship; rather Iād avoid sex
(This following bit is self-depreciation but) Because of that I think I shouldnāt ātie downā any partner. Someone willing to be with me shouldnāt suffer for it and hence I donāt see a point in being possessive/ demanding sexual faithfulness ā although the details would need to depend on the partner(s) and situation
Also due to me not making a grave distinction between ābest friendā and ādate friendā I just think itās easier to call myself polyaffectionate since relationships involving me need thorough explanation anyway
I have explored through writing* what Iād like for myself and that basically always ends up that Iād like to be comfortable āsharingā my partner with pre-determined other people
I would only agree to a closed polycule, although I donāt need to be involved with everyone in it
Also I always hoped if I get that, if I get to have a queerplatonic polycule, it could be a found family and support network more than dating in the classical sense
Again, keep in mind all of this is just my personal perspective and I donāt speak for other aromantic people or other asexual people
Many asexuals are fine with/ want sex
Some aromantics are non-partnering/ would only practice solo-poly
My ideal relationship would be having one or two partners I live with, who are my family, who I can cuddle or leave to their own devices, basically a house share and we each cuddle and kiss each other as we please š
āThe thing is Iām aware I probably talk like someone who doesnāt value themself enough
Like, if I believed I could be enough for a partner my whole stance would be slightly different
But I have not yet made the experience that what I can offer (a sexless, queerplatonic commitment) is enough for people
Iām fully aware that mindset isnāt healthy but until someone proves I can be enough for them, well⦠āoutsourcingā sex is easier than worrying
And if itās a genuine relationship Iām happy for them, in any case
I wholeheartedly mean that Iād like a closed polycule and would be comfortable as described
But I also acknowledge that part of it comes from feeling inadequate/ not wanting to hold back the person(s) I love
I just know I canāt provide what ā to many people ā is a need
And since I know I can love more than one person at the same time I think getting to be with someone who also has other partners is my best chance⦠if that makes sense
As I said, I write a lot and with my latest novel-attempt* I think I found the relationship model Iād be comfortable with š
* I have indeed written multiple fan fictions as well as original fiction about a self-insert character navigating relationships as I would like them to play out (setting aside the overarching plot of the individual fiction works) but seeing as Iām a pro-shipper and actually do have a writing side-blog, I donāt feel all that comfortable to just straight-up link my own writing here. Due to the here relevant works all featuring central relationships with a self-insert character, these works are also deeply personal. More so than other ship fiction I have written. I have linked these works on here before - as part of ā#queerplatonic fictionā lists - but never really put āmy nameā (this blogās URL) directly to them
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