#poly terms

Partly because of this blog, and partly because of just wanting to know things for myself, I have been doing some research on polyamory. What has stuck with me the most recently is the terminology. It is so, so important to be able to have the language to describe what you are feeling, thinking, and experiencing. Being able to describe something makes it more real... because the indescribable is unknowable and unrelatable. If there are words to describe what you are going through, that means you aren’t alone. Someone else is going through the same things you are. And it enables you to talk about what you’re going through with some shared understanding. Imagine trying to talk about tacos with someone who has no idea what a taco is. You would have to spend so much time describing a tortilla, the ingredients, and how you can put a ton of different ingredients in there and still consider it a taco. You would spend so much time doing that, and never actually get to talk about how amazing tacos are. On the other hand... If you’re talking to someone who knows what a taco is, you can have a much more intricate conversation about the best flavors, ingredients, toppings, and a nice solid argument about where to find the best local taco. Language is powerful. Language is important. 

I don’t know what to call Otter. I went over there on Thursday, and we had some fun and some great conversation. I asked him about dating and what he wants from me, and what he’s looking for from other people. He said that he is a monogamous person, but he is not exactly looking to date anyone right now. He wants the next person he dates to be the last person he dates. He wants to get married and make sure that person is his partner for the rest of his life. He begged me not to ask him about dating me with a, “Don’t make me turn you down.” He’s happy with what we are doing. He’s not really looking for anyone else, but wouldn’t stop it from happening either. I think we define dating differently. I think, to him, dating means monogamous, and it means something more serious. It means that you shut yourself off from having feelings for anyone else, and definitely aren’t having sexual relationships with anyone else. To me, dating means that you spend time together, talk, like each other, and have a sexual relationship. So that leaves me stuck with not knowing what to call him. Boyfriend is too much, fuck buddy is not enough, boy toy is too demeaning. So far I’ve just been saying that I have a new boy. 

There are some terms, however, that have been very helpful. 

Metamour - my partner’s partner. Otter is Raven’s metamour. How unfair is it that he so easily has a word while Otter and I still don’t?

Polycule - A way to describe the network of relationships in polyamory. Because “relationship” doesn’t quite cover it. It can be drawn out like a genogram. 

Compersion - Basically, the antonym for jealousy. It’s the feeling of happiness that you have at seeing someone else happy. This is how Raven feels when he sees me gaga over Otter. It’s how I feel when he has a date. 

NRE - New Relationship Energy - This is that feeling of being gaga over a new partner. It’s when you’re so giddy about this person that you can’t stop talking about them. You think about them all the time, and want to see them as much as possible. This is where I’m at right now with Otter. This is also why you’ve seen a ton of posts lately detailing every little update with him.