#poly probs

She asked while i was in the bathroom and he said something along the lines of, its undefined, idk what she wants. Apparently I went too quickly so she didn’t get to probe more. But he really likes me and I really like (love) him. So idk what the fuck to do. I gotta have the convo but I don’t wannnnnaaaaa. Emotions are scary and annoying.

So to make stories short, last week, A texted me (again, very late at night) and he was very drunk. We were chatting about life and emotion and shit and this led to him saying he loved me. I of course was over the moon and responded in kind. Tonight was the first time we’d seen each other since and we had a lovely fucking time. We had a two hour dinner and a drink at the bar where we had our first date. And very fittingly, said I love you aloud for the first time there. Then we just walked around my neighborhood for another two or so hours before eventually getting frisky in my car.

Now, A and I have never actually had the discussion about relationship status. We’ve been together for almost 10 months. We’re both bad at this. And I’ve literally been talking about wanting that in therapy since like month 4. So tonight, finally FINALLY I stiffened my sinews and FUCKING ASKED. The conversation:

“Can I ask you a stupid question that I should have asked months ago?”

“Uhhhhh yeah?”

“What should I call you?”

EASY AS THAT. FUCKIN ANXIETY MAN. He asked what terms I was comfy with and I hemmed and hawed and went back and forth and then he said-

“So the terms that everyone is afraid to say are boyfriend girlfriend. Now they’ve been said. How do those terms work for you?”

“Those terms sound great. Those are the terms I would like to use.”

“Great, we have agreed on these terms.”

Then we shook hands like lawyers because of the dorks we are.

then we talked about talking about feelings and a bit about stuff we’d talked about in therapy and yada yada.

Him: “so in summation [as he holds up fingers one by one] I love you, you’re my girlfriend, I’m your boyfriend...”

“And I love you too.”

I also have A LOT of matches. That’s dumb to complain about, I fully have pretty girl privilege, but it can be really overwhelming when I open tinder and the notification bubble tells me I have 50 new matches. It’s too much for my brain, I know I found all these people attractive at one point, but the thought of going through the small talk with even 10 of them makes me want to stick my head in the sand.

And sometimes, I’m perfectly content with not pursuing dating. I’m busy! But then, I don’t see A for weeks because he’s even busier and I feel intensely lonely and touch starved and in need of affection in a non platonic way. And I like to meet new people. I’m just really bad at pushing past the pleasantries and just asking for a date.

And THEN, even if I do go on a date, I NEVER follow up. Almost every first date I’ve been on in the past three months I’ve wanted to see the person again, but I’m just too damn shy to express that. I’m not the initiator and I’m attracted to people who are also not 😅. So I just put in a lot of emotional work for not a lot of gain.