#poly pan

I have wanted to be myself (PolyPan) for around 4 years now. It's a core part of who I am, and my husband was devastated when I told him that I knew that was who I am.

I'm a sexual trafficking and rape/assault victim, which has made me hypersexual, contributes to severe PTSD, and makes me crave touch to prove my worth as a human being.

I gave him two beautiful and ridiculously smart children, who took my health, autonomy, and sanity (literally). I am disabled to the point of being unable to live alone - I need assistance with multiple facets of life. I can't hold a job with physical aspects due to this, and I feel completely worthless, ashamed, and angry.

Polyamory has given me a second chance, and I am desperate to get out of my situation. I thought my husband would understand, and would change for me... But he can't. Asking him to change is toxic, and he clocked out long before today.

The easy answer is yes, being PolyPan killed my marriage, but the in depth answer is that there is so much more. That was the tip of the iceberg for us. He believes things and Timelines that I find absurd ('I've wanted therapy for years, but you shit down the idea because the places around here are too religious' - I shot down church funded counseling, but was open and excited for another choice, which I consistently talked about. He did not even look for other options...) amongst other irreconcilable differences.

He thinks I'm mean, a bad mom (he won't outright say it, but...), faking my illness and its severity, and emotionally disconnected. I think he's a great father but too focused on the past. His dreams are humble; he believes in hard work and dedication with a nose to the grindstone. He's happy to kill himself for peanuts, and he exercises constantly.

I can't exercise constantly. I can't work to the point of killing myself. There is no more nose for me to grind - I'm at the skull.

I love him. I love him like I have never loved anyone or anything else, and he was my best friend. My heart is broken. I have nightmares about him and his family, how they will twist me into some monster for him to have vanquished. He will become someone I hate, and I know that I can't hold onto his hand any more.

Poly- An orientation in which a person experiences attraction to multiple, but not all, genders. Poly as a prefix may also be used as an umbrella term for orientations which involve attraction to more than one gender.

(Not to be confused with polyamory (when a person has relationships with multiple people simultaneously, with the consent of all involved)).

Pan- Attraction to all genders or regardless of gender.

Term coined by: Unknown

[image description: a flag with four stripes. from top to bottomt hey are: pink, green, yellow, blue.]

Full size [Here]

[image description: a flag with four stripes. from top to bottom they are: pink, green, yellow, blue. a large heart is overlaid on the flag. outside the heart, the colors are slightly lighter]

Full size [Here]

Designed by: anahataverde

Color meanings: 

Pink: Attraction towards women

Green and Yellow: Attraction towards nonbinary people

Blue: Attraction towards men

Check the “poly” or “pan” tag to see designs for different attraction types for this orientation (poly/pansexual/romantic/alterous/etc)!