#poly!starkiller

“I didn’t say a thing to the bird, Junior.” Mulciber scoffs drably. He comes close to smartening up when Barty shoves him roughly by the shoulder.

“You watch your fuckin’ mouth.” He spits before turning his attention to you. “What’s up, Tres? What’s got you so wound tight?”

Barty feels a smile threatening at the corner of his lips as you stomp your foot near petulantly. “He was running his mouth about Sirius.”

His interest piqued, Barty’s brows migrate to the top of his forehead as he turns back towards Mulciber. “Is that right?”  

Mulciber, for his part, scoffs. “Oh come off it, Junior. Even you have to admit that Black is a pompous sack of shite!” 

Mulciber has hardly blinked by the time Barty has him by the collar of his robes and is shoving him up against the stone wall of the corridor. 

“That is my pompous sack of shite you’re talking about, you twat. And I happen to think upsetting my girl is a capital offense, so I would choose your next words very carefully if I were you.” He murmurs threateningly. 

Mulciber, apparently, has enough brain cells to spare to recognise that he ought to keep his smarmy mouth shut. Barty offers him a sardonic smile before releasing his collar, offering him one patronising pat to the cheek as he takes a step back from his house mate. “Good chap.” 

Mulciber grumbles something under his breath as he stoops down to pick up his rucksack, and Barty graciously pretends not to hear it as he turns his full attention to you.

“Treasure, as much as I love seeing you hand a tosser’s bollocks to them, I do wish you’d wait for me to get into it with them, yeah?” He half jokes, drawing a gentle line down the curve of your jaw with the back of one of his knuckles which encourages you to unclench your jaw. 

You let out a sigh as you shake some of the residual tension from your shoulders. “Sorry…I just- he made me so mad.” 

“Oh I know, he’s fucking infuriating.” Barty agrees readily, smiling in return when his appeasement earns him a shy one from you. “D’you feel better now, though?”

You seem to think on it for a second before deciding that yes, you do feel better. Barty beams at you and bends down to kiss your forehead, throwing his arm over your shoulders as he begins guiding you in the direction of the one other person who might be able to take you from feeling better, to feeling great.

“Why don’t we go find that pompous sack of shite of ours then, hm?” He jokes, earning him an elbow in his side that he pretends nearly knocks him over and a peal of bright, bubbling laughter out of you.

Yup, Barty is having a great day, thanks for asking.

You'd just been sorted, your robes still stiff and new, when the entire common room erupted into chaos.  

"BLACK!" roared a voice from the stairs, and a frazzled-looking James Potter came storming down, his hair wilder than usual. "Get down from there before McGonagall—"  

The chandelier snapped.  

Sirius came crashing down directly into your lap, his elbow knocking the wind out of you as you both tumbled to the floor in a heap of limbs and laughter.  

"Oi, watch it!" you wheezed, shoving at his shoulder.  

Sirius blinked up at you, his grey eyes bright with mischief. "Well, hello there," he drawled, not bothering to move. "You’re new."  

James groaned, dragging a hand down his face. "Sirius, for Merlin’s sake—"  

But Sirius just grinned, rolling off you and springing to his feet in one fluid motion before offering you a hand. "Sirius Black, at your service."  

You took it warily. "I can see why they put you in Gryffindor."  

Sirius barked a laugh. "Oh, I like you."  

And just like that, you were swept into his orbit.  

---  

The first time you met Barty Crouch Jr., it was in the library at midnight.  

You’d been struggling with a particularly tricky Arithmancy equation, your quill scratching furiously at parchment as you tried to make sense of the numbers swimming before your eyes.  

"You’re doing it wrong."  

The voice was cool, matter-of-fact. You looked up to see a boy with sharp features and sharper eyes leaning over your shoulder, his Slytherin robes pristine despite the late hour.  

You bristled. "Excuse me?"  

He pointed at your parchment with a long, elegant finger. "Your formula is backwards. If you transpose these variables, it’ll make sense."  

You frowned, looking back at your work—and then it clicked. "Oh."  

The boy smirked. "Oh indeed."  

You scowled. "Thanks, I guess."  

He inclined his head slightly. "Barty Crouch Jr."  

You blinked. "The Barty Crouch Jr.? As in, the son of the Ministry’s Head of Magical Law Enforcement?"  

Barty’s smirk twisted into something darker. "The very same."  

You hesitated, then held out your hand. "Well, thanks for the help."  

Barty looked at your hand like it was a foreign object before shaking it briefly. "Don’t mention it."  

And just like that, an unlikely friendship was born.  

---  

By third year, you were caught in an invisible war.  

Sirius, with his effortless charm and reckless abandon, dragged you into pranks and adventures, his laughter infectious as you raced through the halls under James’s Invisibility Cloak or charmed Peeves to dump water balloons on unsuspecting Slytherins.  

Barty, on the other hand, was your quiet counterpart—the one who stayed up with you in the library, who brewed Pepper-Up Potion when you were sick, who listened when you ranted about your frustrations with the pureblood elitism that still lingered in the halls of Hogwarts.  

They couldn’t have been more different.  

And yet, they both wanted you.  

---  

"Come on," Sirius whined one evening in the Gryffindor common room, flopping dramatically across your lap as you tried to study. "The Whomping Willow’s not going to pelt first years with acorns by itself."  

You rolled your eyes, shoving at his shoulder. "Sirius, I have a Potions test tomorrow."  

Sirius pouted. "But it’ll be fun!"  

"Fun isn’t the word I’d use," came a dry voice from the portrait hole.  

You looked up to see Barty leaning against the frame, his arms crossed, his expression unreadable.  

Sirius scowled. "What are you doing here, snake? Lost your way to the dungeons?"  

Barty ignored him, his eyes on you. "You said you’d meet me in the library an hour ago."  

You winced. "I got distracted."  

Barty arched a brow. "Clearly."  

Sirius sat up, his grin turning sharp. "She’s busy, Crouch. Run along."  

Barty’s eyes flicked to him, cold and assessing. "I wasn’t aware you were her keeper, Black."  

Sirius’s smirk faltered for half a second before he recovered, slinging an arm around your shoulders. "Someone’s got to keep her out of trouble."  

Barty’s lips curled. "From what I’ve seen, you’re the one causing most of it."  

You groaned, rubbing your temples. "Merlin, you two are impossible."  

They both turned to look at you, identical expressions of indignation on their faces.  

"Me?" Sirius said, pressing a hand to his chest. "I’m an angel."  

Barty snorted. "A fallen one, maybe."  

Sirius shot him a glare before turning back to you, his expression softening. "Come on, love. Just one prank?"  

Barty stepped forward, his voice low. "Or you could actually study and not fail your exams."  

You looked between them—Sirius with his puppy-dog eyes and disheveled hair, Barty with his quiet intensity and unwavering focus—and sighed.  

"Why do I have to choose?" you muttered under your breath.  

But the words lingered in the air, heavy with possibility.  

---  

The tension came to a head during a Hogsmeade weekend in fifth year.  

You’d agreed to meet Barty at the Three Broomsticks for a study session, but Sirius had intercepted you on the way, dragging you into Zonko’s with promises of new joke products to test.  

By the time you made it to the pub, Barty was sitting alone at a corner table, two Butterbeers untouched in front of him, his expression stormy.  

"You’re late," he said flatly as you slid into the seat across from him.  

You winced. "Sorry. Sirius—"  

"Of course," Barty cut in, his voice icy. "It’s always Black, isn’t it?"  

You frowned. "What’s that supposed to mean?"  

Barty leaned forward, his grey eyes burning. "You know exactly what it means."  

You opened your mouth to retort, but before you could, the door to the Three Broomsticks burst open, and in strolled Sirius, looking windswept and entirely too pleased with himself.  

"There you are!" he called, spotting you immediately. "I’ve been looking everywhere—oh." His grin faded slightly as he noticed Barty. "Didn’t realize you had company."  

Barty’s jaw tightened. "Clearly."  

Sirius ignored him, dropping into the seat beside you and stealing a sip of your Butterbeer. "So, I was thinking—"  

"You’re always thinking," Barty muttered. "A shame none of it’s productive."  

Sirius’s eyes narrowed. "Careful, Crouch."  

Barty smirked. "Or what?"  

The air between them crackled with tension. You could feel the other patrons starting to stare, whispers spreading like wildfire.  

You’d had enough.  

"Merlin’s beard!" you snapped, slamming your hands on the table. "Why does it always have to be a competition? Why can’t I just have both of you?"  

Silence.  

Sirius blinked. Barty froze.  

The entire pub seemed to hold its breath.  

"...Both?" Sirius repeated slowly, his eyebrows creeping toward his hairline.  

You threw your hands up. "Yes, both! Merlin, you two are impossible. It’s not like I have to choose—"  

"Yes."  

You stopped mid-rant. "What?"  

Barty’s lips curled into that rare, genuine smirk of his—the one that made your stomach flip. "I said yes."  

Sirius’s grin was downright predatory. "Oh, this is brilliant. I get to annoy Crouch and keep you? Perfect."  

You stared between them, waiting for the punchline. "You’re... serious?"  

Sirius winked. "I’m always Sirius."  

Barty rolled his eyes, but there was no real irritation in it. Instead, he reached out and tugged you to your feet, his grip firm but gentle. "You heard him. Though I reserve the right to hex him if he gets too obnoxious."  

Sirius popped up on your other side, slinging an arm around your waist. "And I reserve the right to be exceptionally obnoxious."  

The pub had gone eerily quiet, every eye in the room fixed on the three of you—a Gryffindor, a Slytherin, and you, caught perfectly in the middle.  

You looked between them—Sirius with his wild grin and disheveled hair, Barty with his sharp eyes and barely-contained amusement—and felt something warm settle in your chest.  

"Well," you said slowly, a smirk of your own forming. "This should be interesting."  

Sirius pressed a dramatic kiss to your cheek. "Darling, with us? It’ll be legendary."  

Barty rolled his eyes—but when he leaned in to kiss your other cheek, there was no hesitation.  

The pub erupted.  

Whistles. Shouts. A loud "Bloody hell!" from Rosmerta behind the bar.  

You didn’t care.  

Because as Sirius laughed against your skin and Barty’s fingers tangled with yours, you realized—  

You’d won.  

---  

The rest of the school year passed in a whirlwind of chaos and affection.  

Sirius, true to his word, was exceptionally obnoxious—sending you flowers charmed to sing vulgar love songs, sneaking into your dorm to leave notes under your pillow, dragging you into broom closets for stolen kisses between classes.  

Barty, on the other hand, was quieter but no less intense—his touches lingering, his gifts thoughtful (a rare potions book he’d tracked down, a silver bracelet charmed to warm when he thought of you).  

And when they were together with you?  

It was electric.  

---  

One evening, you found yourself in the Room of Requirement, curled between them on a conjured sofa as the fire crackled in the hearth.  

Sirius was idly braiding a strand of your hair, his fingers surprisingly deft as he hummed a tune under his breath. Barty had his nose buried in a book, but his free hand rested on your thigh, his thumb tracing absent circles.  

"You’re staring," Barty murmured without looking up.  

You smiled. "Can’t help it."  

Sirius tugged playfully on your braid. "Admiring the view?"  

"Something like that," you admitted.  

Barty finally glanced up, his grey eyes warm in the firelight. "Sap."  

Sirius grinned, leaning over to press a kiss to your temple. "Our sap."

Graduation Day

The Great Hall was bathed in golden sunlight as the graduating class of 1978 stood in their dress robes, the enchanted ceiling reflecting the cloudless summer sky. You stood between Sirius and Barty, their hands clasped firmly with yours, as Dumbledore gave his final speech.

"Mischief managed," Sirius whispered in your ear, his breath warm against your skin as he slipped a charmed galleon into your palm – a twin to the ones the Marauders used, now engraved with all three of your initials.

Barty rolled his eyes but didn't let go of your other hand, his thumb tracing idle circles on your wrist. "Sentimental fool," he muttered, though the way his fingers tightened around yours betrayed his true feelings.

As the ceremony ended in a shower of enchanted confetti, James whooped loudly, tossing his hat in the air. "Black! Crouch! Stop making heart eyes at my best friend and help us celebrate!"

Sirius flipped him off with one hand while pulling you closer with the other. "Jealous, Prongs?"

That Evening – The Shrieking Shack

The abandoned house had become your secret meeting spot over the years, its creaking floorboards and peeling wallpaper now as familiar as the two boys lounging on either side of you.

Sirius stretched out like a contented cat, his head in your lap as you carded your fingers through his dark hair. "So," he mused, catching your wrist to press a kiss to your palm. "What's next for the three most brilliant minds to grace Hogwarts?"

Barty, ever practical, pulled a set of documents from his robe pocket. "Auror applications for you two," he said, handing one to Sirius. "And a research position at the Department of Mysteries for me."

You blinked. "You planned our careers?"

"Someone had to," Barty deadpanned, though the corner of his mouth twitched when Sirius threw a pillow at his head.

One Year Later – London Flat

The key Barty had given you fit perfectly in the lock of the cozy flat above Diagon Alley. Sunlight streamed through charmed windows that showed different landscapes – a beach for Sirius, a library for Barty, and your favorite Quidditch pitch for you.

"Home," Sirius declared, dropping his trunk with a thud before promptly pushing you against the nearest wall, his lips finding yours with practiced ease.

Barty cleared his throat pointedly. "If you're quite finished defiling our new home..."

Sirius pulled away just enough to grin. "Oh, I'm just getting started."

Five Years Later – Ministry Ball

The grand hall glittered with enchanted chandeliers as you navigated the crowd, your Auror robes swapped for elegant dress robes. Sirius, ever the showman, had charmed his to shift colors with his mood. Barty stood nearby in impeccably tailored black, looking every inch the Unspeakable he was.

"Merlin, you're beautiful," Sirius murmured, spinning you into a dance without warning.

Barty appeared at your other side, his hand resting possessively on your waist. "Stop monopolizing her, Black. Some of us would like a turn."

Sirius gasped dramatically. "Is that jealousy I detect, Crouch?"

You laughed, pulling them both closer. "Play nice, boys."

Ten Years Later – By the Lake

The same stretch of Black Lake shore where you'd shared so many stolen moments now hosted a small gathering of friends. Lily held baby Harry while James made embarrassing toasts. Remus smiled fondly as Sirius fumbled with rings charmed to always return to their wearers.

Barty, usually so composed, had tears in his eyes as he slid a delicate silver band onto your finger. "No more secrets," he whispered, echoing your words from all those years ago.

Sirius kissed you breathless before pressing his forehead to yours. "Forever, yeah?"

“Don’t be crass, Black.” Dorcas drawled. “She’s throwing me a birthday party.”

“A party?” James chimed in. “When? Where? Are we invited?”

Marlene playfully (though extremely aggressively) shoved James in the shoulder, which James had to massage when she was no longer looking as Dorcas answered him.

“Yes, yes. You’ve all been invited. Or, rather, your soulmates have been invited, and they were told to bring theirs, so.” 

Peter harrumphed as he poked around in his porridge bowl. 

“You’re invited too, Pete; don’t worry.” Marlene called over, earning her a smile that seemed to take a bit too much effort from the Gryffindor boy. 

“Where’re you throwing it? Gryffindor?” Remus asked Marlene.

“No, we’re going to have it in the Room of Requirement! Really deck the place out.” Lily answered for her, pulling out a heft binder that was well and truly over-flowing with party planning paraphernalia. 

“That’ll be fun, yeah? I can pick you up from your common room and we can go together?” Sirius asked you then, only to hear a derisive scoff emanate from your otherside.

“Fat chance, Black. I was here when the invites were shared, she’s going with me.” 

You opened your mouth to interject when Barty pulled you into his side. “Isn’t that right, treasure?” 

“I don’t know why I should have to lose out on my date just because Remus took so bloody long getting out of bed this morning.” Sirius argued over the top of your head. 

“The early niffler gets the gold, Black. I don’t make the rules.” 

Sirius let out an incredulous laugh at that. “You absolutely did make that rule! And every other rule in this sodding relationship! I have to walk around on eggshells sharing her with you.”

“And what do I do? Hm? This isn’t exactly a walk in the park for me to have to listen to your constant nagging and pestering when I’m simply trying to enjoy some quality time with my soulmate.” Barty sneered. 

“She’s our soulmate.” Sirius corrected quickly. 

“Yeah well I’d bloody like to fix that.” Barty muttered.

The entire table was stunned silent when you suddenly slammed both of your hands down onto the top of the table and stood abruptly. 

“I’m tired of this.” You beseeched as you climbed over the bench and stared defiantly at both Sirius and Barty who were now looking up at you in shock. “I am sick and tired of the bickering and the surveillance and the trade offs and the schedules. I'm tired of it! I’m living my life on some timetable that revolves around you,” said as you pointed at Sirius before moving your finger to Barty, “and you. And at the end of the day, there’s no time left for me.” 

You took a shuddering breath but soldiered on, grabbing each of the boys’ wrists (quite painfully, mind you) and flipping them over to expose their soulmate marks. 

“Yes I am both of your soulmates and you are both mine, but you are also eachother’s.” You released their hands and took a step back; your formidable glare falling into something more pained and vulnerable as you began picking at the skin of your nails. “And until you two realise that, or until you can at least pretend to get along for my sake, I don’t want to hang out with either of you.”

Sirius felt like the air had been knocked right out of him as you bent down to retrieve your bag and began walking away. 

“Sit down.” You hissed as you spun around, watching both Barty and Sirius slowly lower themselves back onto the bench. 

You looked as though you were going to turn around and leave again, but your eyes caught onto one member of the group.

“Peter.” You called much more gently than you’d been speaking to Barty and Sirius. “Would you like to go to Dorcas’ party with me?” 

“Yes!” Peter whispered excitedly, which was nearly drowned out by the protest that was going to come from Sirius before a hand smacked itself over his mouth. 

You smiled softly at Peter before you turned and left the Great Hall with not so much as a single glance in Sirius’ (or Barty’s) direction. 

James let out a slow whistle as Sirius shook the hand that was over his mouth, finding himself even more aghast to realise it had been Barty’s.

“Junior! Get your sodding hands off of me!”

“It wasn’t exactly pleasurable for me either, Black.”  He spat back. 

“You should have said something! Now she’s going to the party with Peter.”

“Yeah, yeah. We can kill him later.” Barty muttered indignantly. 

“I don’t want to kill one of my best friends! I want to go to a bloody party with my girl!” 

“Yeah well, your girl doesn’t want anything to do with you.” Marlene taunted with a smile on her face as she leaned into Dorcas’ side. “That was kinda hot, actually.” 

“Bugger off, McKinnon.” Barty and Sirius spat in unison, only to glare severely at one another.

“Merlin’s tits; is this what you’re every time you’re around each other?” Lily asked incredulously, to which Sirius quickly said “no” at the same time Barty replied “pretty much, yeah”. 

“She must be a saint, then; I would have dumped the two of you by now if I were her.” Regulus added in a bored tone, never looking up from his copy of the Daily Prophet. 

“Yeah well, we’re all thanking our lucky stars not to be matched up with you, Reg.” Barty sneered, earning him a snort of laughter from Sirius before he realised what he’d been doing and immediately went back to scowling. 

“Pettigrew!” Barty called as he leaned around Sirius. “100 galleons to not attend the party with Y/N.”

Peter looked equally fearful for his life and resigned to his death. “I don’t want to stand her up…”

Apparently, even Barty didn’t have the heart to have you - poor, shy you - attend a party solo. “Buggering fuck, fine.” He spat as he stood and grabbed his bag. “Pick me up in the Slytherin common room at eight pm sharp. And for the love of Merlin, bring me a sodding boutonniere!”

The group watched as Barty disappeared around the corner and the Great Hall returned to its normal volume. 

“He does know this is a semi-casual event, right?” Marlene whispered to Dorcas. “Boutonniere's aren’t required nor encouraged.” 

Dorcas simply snorted and returned her attention to her breakfast. “Marly, you come to learn to pick your battles when it comes to the likes of Barty Crouch Junior.”

But when Sirius turned his attention away from the door of the Great Hall, he saw her staring directly at him. 

“Duly noted.” He muttered as he loaded up his plate in resignation. 

Looks like I’m going on a date with Junior. 

… 

Never in a million years would Sirius have ever bet even a single knut that one would find him standing outside of the Slytherin common room dressed in his best trousers (that absolutely hugged his arse in all the best ways) and a simple button up shirt that he failed to button up all the way, leaving a sinful trail of skin along his chest. 

Yet, here he was.

Standing outside of the Slytherin common room, dressed to impress awaiting his date…who was none other than bloody Barty Crouch Junior. 

Sirius honest to gods thought about obliviating himself and just going back to his dorm for, say, maybe ever? But Barty chose that moment to step out through the door looking utterly delectable. 

“See something you like, Black?” He taunted with a haughty grin, causing Sirius’ eyes to narrow challengingly. 

“I don’t see Y/N around anywhere, so no.”

Both of them sighed as they considered each other. 

“Well?” Barty asked then.

“Well what?”

Barty scoffed and rolled his eyes dramatically. “Circe’s tits, aren’t you going to tell me I look nice? You Black’s have horrid manners.”

“You’ve not told me I look nice!” Sirius retorted.

“I didn’t run to the nearest loo to pour bleach in my eyes; you’re so hard to please.”

“Merlin’s saggy balls- let’s go.” Sirius muttered as he turned on his heel to head all the way back up the stairs he just came down towards the Room of Requirement. 

“Uhm, aren’t you forgetting something?” Barty asked as he grabbed Sirius’ wrist. 

“What, you want to hold hands on our way up too?”

“My boutonniere you git.” Barty replied as he pointed to his chest. 

Sirius gave a dramatic eye roll of his own as he pulled a small box from his pocket and returned it to its original size. 

He carefully pulled out the selection of flowers and batted Barty’s hands away when they reached for them.

“What in the bloody hell are you doing?”

“You don’t pin your own corsage, Junior.” Sirius responded tiredly. “Purebloods raise gentlemen afterall.”

Barty fell quiet at that as he watched Sirius’ face as he pinned the flowers to his black button up. 

“Green? ‘Cause I’m in Slytherin?” Barty asked derisively as Sirius admired his work. 

Sirius’ eyes flit up to Barty’s before falling back to the corsage. 

“Green because of your eyes, Junior.” Sirius admitted quietly before he turned on his heel and headed up the stairs. “Hurry along; I want Y/N to see us walk in together looking like perfect tens.” 

And though Sirius couldn’t see it, he could certainly feel Barty’s gaze fall down to his perfect arse as he took two stairs at a time. “Speak for yourself, Black. I’m an eleven.” 

The party was well underway by the time Sirius and Barty made it up to the Room of Requirement which was, indeed, well set up for the party. 

Sirius knew it was likely more thanks to Lily than it was to Marlene, but he also knew Lily would likely let Marlene take all the credit for it.

“Where is she?” Barty asked, leaning into Sirius’ side so he could speak into his ear. Sirius fought back a shiver as he made for the familiar sight of the bar table. “No idea, but I’m gonna need a drink.” 

They found you not long afterwards; Sirius’ heart nearly stuttering to a stop when he spotted you twirling around with Peter looking so carefree as you threw your head back in laughter and caused Peter to do the same.

And by the way Barty’s jaw fell slack, he was sure he felt much the same. 

“She’s kind of perfect, isn’t she?” Sirius asked then, watching as you and Peter reorganised yourselves for a new song.

“Kind of perfect? You’re way off, Black.” Barty shot back, but when Sirius turned to give him an incredulous glare for being so damned contradictory all of the time, he was surprised to see a soft smile on his lips.

Ah, Sirius thought, humour - I know a thing or two about that. 

“Should we show her what she’s missing tonight?” He asked Barty then, ridding himself of his cup and holding his hand out to his date for a dance. 

“It’d be my pleasure.” Barty said with a smile as he accepted Sirius’ hand and followed him to the dancefloor. 

“Is she looking at us?” Sirius asked as he fought every single urge to look at you.

“How could she not? We’re the hottest couple here.” Barty responded easily, surprising a bark of laughter from Sirius.

“Did you just call me attractive, Junior?” 

“I may find you completely horrid and annoying but I’m not blind, Black.” Barty bit back, though Sirius could see a blush forming across his face. 

“Don’t you two make a handsome couple.” Lily offered as she floated by, offering Sirius a wink as she headed for you. 

“Keep your eyes off my date, you trollop!” Sirius teased with a smile, relishing in the pleasantly surprised look adorning your face when you spotted the two of them dancing together. 

“She’s looking!” Sirius whispered at Barty then. 

“Don’t blow it, Black.” Barty hissed back, pulling Sirius flush against him. 

Sirius rolled his eyes (albeit fondly) and opted to rest his head against Barty’s shoulder.

“Does this mean the two of you are, like, together now?” James blurted then, surprising Sirius and causing him to straighten up and break away from Barty as if he’d been caught doing something naughty.

“What!? Of course not.” Barty snapped quickly.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Sirius added.

James’ eyes flit between the two of them as his brows inched closer together. “Really? ‘Cause it sort of look-”

“Well, you should probably get your glasses checked, Potter, because what it looked like was two blokes who share a soulmate working hard to ensure their soulmate doesn’t up and leave them.”

“Right!” Sirius agreed quickly. 

“Listen; do I think Black always looks like an off-duty model? Sure.” 

“And do I think Junior is by far the hottest bloke here? Sure.”

“Exactly! I could do much worse than Black, here.” 

“And do we make one hell of an attractive couple? Yes.” Sirius paused when his yes was chorused by Barty. “But that’s all it is.”

“That’s all it is.” Barty agreed with a shrug of his shoulders. 

James considered the two of them a moment longer before letting out an inelegant snort. “Sure; whatever you say.”

“He doesn’t get it.” Sirius said simply then, turning back to Barty to continue their dance.

“You’ve got dumb friends; can’t even understand two attractive people not being completely revolted by one another.”

And Sirius couldn’t help but agree; James really was dumb if he couldn’t see that Barty was, indeed, the hottest bloke at this party (Sirius excluded, of course).

Except for poor Pete, whose wrist adorned the initials of someone who - after much research and triple-checking by all of their friends - clearly didn’t go to Hogwarts.

Sometimes, however, soulmate bonds took place between more than two people, and though it was possible for it to happen among all blood statuses, the odds were higher amongst Pureblood’s.

So when Sirius woke up this morning to a weird burning/itching feeling on his wrist, only to see not one, but two sets of initials, he was feeling pretty chuffed.

That dissolved very quickly, however.

“No…. nononononononono.” He muttered in agony as he saw two people approaching him; one looking almost as horrified as he did and one looking awfully sinister.

“Well, well, well.” Barty Crouch Junior drawled as he made his way to the Gryffindor table, dragging you over with him - seemingly without your consent – by your arm. “I thought it must have been a mistake when I woke up to find out I had a Son Of a Bitch as a soulmate, but alas; here you are.”

“This can’t be.” Sirius whispered disbelievingly, causing Barty to cackle maniacally.

“Oh, but it is.”

Any words that Sirius had died on his lips at the wheezing of his younger brother.

You, Barty, and Sirius all turned to see Regulus hanging from Remus’ shoulder as he clutched his stomach.

“I…I – oh Salazar, I think I finally believe in gods! All of them! Oh…” He stuttered in between fits of laughter.

Sirius looked between him and his supposed best mate, but Remus only looked at Regulus as if Regulus was his most beautiful when he was laughing at the expense of his brother.

Bastards; the both of them.

“Happy birthday, Y/N!” James offered, his face clearly trying to smile though it took on a pained expression in comissery.

“Thank you…” You accepted timidly, eyes darting between the group of people you suddenly found yourself emmersed in.

“Now look what you’ve done, Black.” Barty sneered as if Sirius’ last name was a dirty word. “You’ve worried our poor girl.” He cooed as he pulled you tight into your side, causing you to squeak in surprise.

“I hardly think I’m the one worrying her.” Sirius sneered back.

Barty’s face turned stony. “Just what are you insinuating?”

“Uhm, that you’re certifiably insane?” Sirius responded simply. 

“Oh, come now; Junior’s not that bad.” Remus tried to reason; his boyfriend still hanging limply off his shoulder as he tried (and failed) to repress his laughter. 

“Not that bad?” Sirius screeched incredulously. “Did you not see what he did to Crawley?”

Peter snorted at that. “Mate, you literally did the same thing to Snape.”

“That was you?” Barty asked in surprise, looking Sirius up and down skeptically.

“Sure was.” James answered on his behalf.

“Huh.” Barty chuckled in thought. “That’s where I- never mind that. I only did that because he groped Y/N’s arse.”

Sirius felt his own face turn stony as he turned his attention to you. “Is this true?”

You seemed to pale at the attention. “Well…yes? But-”

“Ha ha. Black’s just as bad as me.” Barty sing-songed from beside you, looking at Sirius with a look of faux innocence.

Sirius heard a thump, and he looked over to see Remus looking behind the bench where Regulus had apparently fallen in his fit of laughter.

“I – I’ve died, yeah? I’m dead? Fuck, I must’ve done something right in my past life to be rewarded with this. Sirius is – is bonded to Barty Crouch Junior.” He howled with laughter, so uncharacteristic of the young, stoic Black. 

“I am not!” Sirius argued petulantly. “I’m bonded to Y/N, Junior just…happens to be there.”

“If you’re only bonded to Y/N, why are my initials decorating your wrist, hm?” Barty asked salaciously, pulling Sirius’ wrist towards him to see the evidence for himself.

“Oh, sod off.” Sirius barked, shoving him aside and offering you an apologetic glance before storming towards the exit.

“Oi! Where are you going, future-Mr-Barty-Crouch-Junior!?” Barty taunted.

“To jump off the astronomy tower!” Sirius called back.

“Ou! We should go watch.” He said, turning to you before following Sirius out. “You should try to do a flip!”

“Oh, Y/N.” Lily cooed after the boys finally disappeared out of the Great Hall. “I’m so sorry.”

You let out a long-suffering sigh as your eyes stayed focused on the place where you last saw your two new soulmates. “If Regulus did something in a past life to be rewarded with this, I must have done something right horrid.”

“Salazars saggy balls.” Regulus muttered under his breath as he stood from the library table and gathered his things. “Je n'arrive pas à croire que je m'entoure de parfaits abrutis. Âme sœur ou pas, je ne peux pas continuer à vivre ainsi.”

Regulus continued muttering furiously under his breath as he made for the door causing Remus to let out a long suffering sigh and gather his own things. 

“Way to go, boys.” He sighed in faux admonishment. “You’ve put my soulmate in a bad mood.”

James muttered what sounded an awful lot like ‘well it’s not very hard now, is it?’ as Sirius quickly looked at his watch. “Oh shit! Is it four o’clock already?”

Remus opted to wait for Sirius as he carelessly shoved his untouched homework - that they had originally gone to the library to complete - before hurrying for the library door his brother had just exited. 

“What’s happening at four o'clock?” Remus asked as he caught the door Sirius had just allowed to close unceremoniously on one of his oldest friends. 

Both Sirius and Regulus grumbled - albeit for very different reasons - as Remus and Sirius stepped outside of the library where Regulus had been waiting for his boyfriend. 

“Must you bring your brigade of buffoons with you everywhere?” Regulus hissed at Remus who simply tsked at him and pulled him into his side. 

“Play nice, Reggie.” He murmured into Regulus’ hairline.

“Yeah; play nice Reggie.” Sirius mocked petulantly, earning him a swat up the back of the head from Remus.

“What’s happening at four o’clock?” Remus repeated as he professionally managed a potential level four sibling squabble between his best friend and his soulmate. 

“I have to meet with Y/N and Junior.” Sirius explained solemnly.

“You have your soulmate bond organised by a timetable?” Remus asked as a joke, pausing in his chuckles when he realised Sirius was being quite….serious. 

“It gets better.” Regulus added unhelpfully and unprompted as he followed Sirius and Remus (unwelcomely) to Sirius, Barty, and your meet-up spot. “They have to have supervised hand-offs.”

“Don’t call it a hand-off Regulus; she’s not some child in a divorce.” Sirius muttered petulantly.

“I agree, I rather think you and Junior are the children in this situation.” Regulus bit back with his nose in the air; Sirius wanted to break it.

He didn’t get the chance though, as Remus ushered the conversation along. “Why does it need to be supervised?”

“Because Junior kept trying to hex me when we’d meet up, and then when Y/N told him he couldn’t do that, he’d hide somewhere in the castle and I’d have to snag the map from your trunk to find them.”

“Who supervises these exchanges?” Remus carried on, but Sirius needn’t respond when they stepped into the courtyard where Barty, you, and Pandora were waiting near the fountain.

“Hello Sirius!” Pandora greeted brightly, causing Barty to scowl. 

“No fair! He’s not supposed to bring back up! I would have brought Evan!”

“It’s not back up Barty.” You argued exhaustedly, looking particularly mortified at the attendance at today’s exchange. 

“Hello, Junior.” Sirius bit out as politely as he could manage only to have the sod glare at him. 

“Is there something you’d like to say, Bartemus?” Pandora asked serenely.

“Yes. Get fucked Black.” He spat.

“That was perhaps my fault.” Pandora conceded. “Barty, say hello to Sirius.”

“Hello…..Sirius.” 

“Good job, Bartemus.” Pandora praised like he was a snotty little nursery school student. “Now say goodbye to Y/N.” 

Sirius heaved a sigh as he crossed his arms and shot Remus a look before watching Barty turn to you and pepper kisses all over your face; you - Merlin love you - looked like you were working really hard to fight your fight-or-flight instincts. 

“Now Treasure, if you get tired of him or need anything, just-”

“Barty, I’m fine.”

“I know you’re fine.” Barty conceded. “It’s him I’m worried about.”

“Barty.” You repeated; tone taking on a severity Sirius wasn’t accustomed to hearing from you. “It is Sirius, our soulmate…our soulmate. I will be fine, yeah?”

Properly chastised, Barty shot Sirius another glare before acquiescing and pressing one last kiss to your cheek before letting go of your wrists. 

You nodded gratefully at Pandora for her service and shot Remus and Regulus a wary look as you made your way across the courtyard. 

“Hello, gorgeous.” Sirius greeted you salaciously, causing you to flush impossibly further at the attention. 

“Sirius, please.” You begged.

“What?” Sirius scoffed in faux offence. “He’s allowed to make a fuss over you and I’m not?”

You groaned and stomped your foot a little bit as you allowed Sirius to take your hand in his. “You’re supposed to be more reasonable.”

“Fine.” Sirius relented as he pressed a kiss to the back of your hand. “I can wait until we’re in the privacy of the dorm to fuss over you.”

You groaned in horror again when Remus laughed and Regulus grumbled at the thought of his brother fussing over anyone.

“I’m going to be attending poor Y/N’s funeral before I ever attend her soul-bond.” Remus joked as the four of you made your way back into the castle.

“Make sure it’s a nice funeral, yeah?” You asked him quietly. 

Remus barked a surprised laugh at that. “Consider it done.”

“And then send the bill to Junior.” Sirius added quickly, earning him an elbow in the ribs.

It was a precarious arrangement, but Sirius found he didn’t much mind when the unpleasantness wasn’t around. 

Unfortunately, the unpleasantness was insistent on following him around.

“Junior.” He growled lowly as a figure sidled up behind you and cast a shadow over your shared table.

“Black.” Barty sneered before turning a saccharine smile in your direction. “Hello, sweet darling angel.” He cooed, earning him a scoff from Sirius.

“Hello, Barty… what are you doing here?”

Barty laughed as if you’d made a particularly funny joke. “I’m here to spend time with my best girl, of course!” 

“Like hell you are!” Sirius barked, earning him indignant shushes from the other students around him.

“Barty… you agreed to this.” You tried placating.

“Agreed to share you with Black?” Barty squawked. “I’d sooner start wearing red and gold unironically.”

“Junior, this schedule was your idea. I get the library study time on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. You get the library study time on Sundays, Mondays, and Wednesdays. It’s Tuesday; get lost.” Sirius lamented.

“But I don’t want to!” Barty pouted particularly petulantly, even stomping his foot for good measure. 

“Well, you can take it up with management.” Sirius taunted.

“You just sodding said yourself that this was my plan; I am the management!” Barty countered. 

Sirius mustered his most Noble and Ancient menacing glare from countless Black ancestors. The Slytherin boy had no problem reciprocating it, and it wasn’t until you intervened that the boys broke the silent war being waged between them.

“Barty, I…I think you should go see what Pandora is up to? And…maybe we can sit together at dinner?” You offered hopefully. Sirius was simultaneously grateful you were trying to rid them of the unpleasantness and also terribly jealous that Barty was going to share a meal with you.

“Yes! Okay, I’ll go get Pandora to help me organize a romantic meal for us tonight.” Barty beamed excitedly.

“Please. How romantic can a meal in the Great Hall be?” Sirius sneered, albeit slightly worried that Barty may in fact succeed.

“You mind your fuckin’ business, Black. Salazar’s balls you’re a pest.” 

“I’m the pest!?” Sirius exclaimed, but you were quick to place a conciliatory hand on Barty’s forearm.

“Please, Barty?”

Barty looked down at you with a pained expression that Sirius could understand all too well.

You were impossible to say no to.

Barty looked between you and Sirius a few times before groaning exasperatedly. 

“Fine.” He relented, pressing a smacking kiss to your cheek and stalking off.

Sirius let out a sigh of relief as you turned back towards the table with an embarrassed smile.

“Oh!” Sirius heard, causing him to let his head fall with a thump to the table before him. “I almost forgot.”

And Sirius lifted his head from the table to watch as Barty pulled at the collar of your uniform shirt to expose part of your neck and began sucking a bruise into your skin.

Sirius spit out a shocked guffaw as he watched Barty pull back, admire his work, press a chaste kiss to it and replace your collar to its proper place before leaving the library for good. 

“What…” Sirius started as he turned his attention from the door he’d been keeping an eye on to ensure that menace didn’t return to continue tormenting him back to you, just as you were embarrassedly rubbing at your neck. “...in the buggering fuck was that?”

“That’s just Barty.” You replied timidly. 

Sirius let out another scoff, eyes still glued to your neck. “Are you okay?”

You chuckled at that and offered Sirius a smile that was equal parts apologetic and equal parts teasing. “I’m pretty sure that’s his way of showing…affection? Or possibly marking his territory; he’s done it before when Diggory spent a, quote, ‘unreasonable amount of time complimenting my potion’.” 

Sirius relaxed a little at that. He supposed if you were comfortable with it, he wouldn’t push it. And though Sirius clearly had better impulse control than your other soulmate, he couldn’t deny how much he was tempted to do the same.

“Alright then.” Sirius relented, allowing you to return to your research.

“I hope you know you’ve just opened up the need to schedule meals now though.”

“For fuck’s sake.” You groaned, plopping your head down into your textbook.