#pointless anger

In terms of recovery, I've had a week I'd rather not dwell on.  The UK has been experiencing the coldest weather we've had for a number of years, that has blown in from Siberia; nicknamed "The beast from the east".  Transport links have ground to a halt, schools are closed, people are being advised not to travel.  In the space of five days, I think I've only ventured outside twice.  Most of the time I've been in bed, not seeing any point in getting up, and I've slept through most of my week.  I feel awful, yet I'm comfortable. 

Any time I've thought about how little I've been doing, I block out the world and go back to sleep - literally; I have an eye mask and ear plugs.  Part of me is ashamed of my behaviour, part of me is relieved to be back where I feel as though I belong - alone with my misery.  When you have a whole host of demons you spend your life fighting to keep in check, as soon as you lose your resolve, they're back dominating your thinking again.  But, again, there's a comfort in the familiar - even if that familiar thing is pain, misery, or a downward spiral into nothingness.

The less-well-adjusted version of me, the one from five or so years ago, would have spent a long time beating myself up for "Failing" yet again.  I'd mentally be punishing myself for being weak, for wasting time, for wallowing in self-pity, for being so pathetic.  The temptation is there; I want to do all that, but I'm not going to.  It solves nothing, it only serves to make matters worse; the hole becomes deeper, the shame-spiral becomes more tightly coiled.  

Apart from self-flagellation, I wanted to do all those things in order to understand why I'm back here again; with all my experience, why am I not dealing with low-points in my life better?  Here's the thing; NONE OF THAT HELPS.  None of it serves any purpose, none of it makes me a better person, none of it will make me less likely to get depressed again in future.  As much as my inner critic wants me to believe I deserve punishment, it will only drag me down further.  Even if I'm trying to understand, my inner critic is the dominant voice and keeps me stuck in the darkness.

So, I set myself free.  I let go of this week, I write it off, I chalk it up to various factors coming together to make it a bit of a difficult time.  Only when I've let go of the guilt am I able to ask; can I learn anything useful from this week?  Yes; I need to be busier in times where I'm limited by external factors like the weather, I do better generally when I go out and I see people.  I also find it far too easy to get out of routine and start potentially self-destructive habits; my meals and my bedtimes have been all over the place. 

I am still a bit angry at myself if I'm honest, because it feels like conscious sabotage.  However, that anger often gets turned in on myself and becomes a monster of its own, so if I can't let it go, I'm going to try to channel it.  All I can do is promise myself to try harder in future.  To try and put the energy from that anger into being better about self-care, into finding more ways to make my life fulfilling and productive.  I take a breath and tell myself to be more compassionate; like I am with other people.  This weather has been difficult on lots of people; I've seen plenty of evidence of people's boredom and frustration on social media, so I'm the same as everyone else when all is said and done.

Dwelling on this week will do me no good, so what do you do with a mind that wants to analyse it, that wants a way to put it to bed?  I keep the thought going in my mind that there's always tomorrow.  That's the most amazing thing about life; no matter what has happened the day before, you have the power to start the new day with a clean slate if you want to.  It's a choice you have to consciously make; I'm going to put what has gone before to one side, because it's over, and I can't change it.  I'm going to look forward and see how I can make this day better than yesterday, even if it's only a small change. 

I free myself from the burden of this week, so that I can use that energy to redouble my efforts to stay well.  If that's a bit too new-age-hippy-trippy for you, you could think of it in terms of wanting to use today to make up for the time you feel you've wasted.  I would only ever use that as a start though, because I don't think it's healthy to keep categorising some time as "Wasted" - it's often not that clear cut.  Let go of any guilt associated with "Wasted" time, it will only weigh you down.  Let tomorrow be a fresh start - and while you're still here, there's always another tomorrow - always another chance. 

It's funny, I can remember my Mother saying to me from a very early age; "Tomorrow's another day".  She used to say it to get me to settle down to bed and stop asking so many questions, or so she didn't have to commit to something definitely happening the next day.  As a child, I heard it so much it became meaningless, then as I grew up I started to think of it as a ridiculously obvious, trite thing to say.  The older I get though, the more I see the wisdom and truth in that saying; today is over - whether good or bad, draw a line under it, let it go, and start tomorrow without the weight of everything that has come before.