#point fighting

It does genuinely make me sad that I spent so much time and so much of my life dedicated to kick boxing and i dont do it anymore. I was so good as a kid but as I got older I either got worse or just started being a big critic of my self and I don’t know which one it is or which one would be worse. I wish i wasnt just a bad loser and wasnt so hard on myself cause I feel like I would have been better if I stopped criticizing myself so much and stopped getting so worked up at the idea of losing. I could have done great things. I could have been one of the best. I could be close to running my own school by now. I could be still dedicating my life to what once was a big passion of mine. Now I do nothing but sit around all day and doom scroll. At least I have a social life now. Was all the time I missed hanging out with people because of trainings and tournaments really worth it? I missed out on so much but got to do so many cool things. Was I even that good im the first place? Or did I just keep getting lucky? It genuinely feels like I wasted my entire childhood. I was a fighter till I turned 18. I spent so long fighting and now I don’t. After 2 years it still feels weird and I still often regret my decision to leave but I dont wanna go back. I hated how it made me feel. I had such a big drive to “be the best” and the fact that I wasnt made me hate myself. Im still learning to love myself and stop talking badly about myself. I was miserable but also felt like I had a purpose. It’s such a strange feeling and situation.