#pnwbound

It's Tuesday, so another collection of thoughts over the past week. Let's start with a win: I have most of my prescriptions back. I have to jump through the hoops for the Vyvanse and take a drug test, but I'm finally picking up my sleep and anti-anxiety meds. I don't have therapy until Friday, so I'm spending the time game-planning my life so I can get it under control a little bit.

But honestly? I'm also spiraling a little. I dont have anywhere close by where I can breathe, relax, and exist.

So...

Alice promised me that if I sold the car I built, the last thing my Uncle Rod and I worked on, and the last time I let myself touch an engine and get something of equal value. I was using that car with the custom sound system for Lyft to save for my surgery because it had to be newer than 2009. I still remember spending three weeks dropping an International tractor engine into the frame of the 2000 Chevy Silverado with a cherry picker. What did I get in exchange? An '01 Camry with 250,000 miles and blown speakers. So eventually that car just gave up. She then decided that I could have her Venza if we bought her a NEW car, so we did. Then she dangled the title in front of my for years, like you threaten kid to tell Santa that they've been naughty, I used to be so decisive, so ambitious, but being chained to what we had in our basement and her latest whimsy, on Saturday, this Saturday I had to pay her $1,500 for a paper saying I bought it for $500, then actually pay her the $500. That's $2,000 for a car I already helped pay off when we were together. Not to mention it was my money buying the new one....

So then we go to Costco,

After we spent the morning together on paperwork, she insisted on a Costco run so we could "talk." She kept pushing the idea that she knows me best, that we could "pick things up" and I could have the motherhood I want, as long as we were together. She grabbed my favorite wine and some danishes and told me to talk it over with her over a few drinks. I called her KK, told her I needed space, and she left the store crying. I feel awful, but I have said "no" multiple times. The ink is drying on the divorce; I'm not getting back together with her.

When I got home, she was waiting for me. She tried to "help" with carrying in the groceries, which resulted in me tripping face-first into a pile of donuts. She left while I was cleaning up.

I just wanted donuts for the week...

So now with Alice gone, it's time to worry about the next checkpoint...I checked in with Cloe, and ...she misgendered me, she called me a man twice, like I didn't say anything, I never do...but it hurt that she did...it is what it is.

My sibling doesn't want me at their wedding alone, so I met up with Luna. They met all the requirements my brother wanted... They're at the same stage of transition as I, but I felt myself slipping into "client mode." Every time they touched me, I felt gross, and I started to feel strangled, like when Scarlet tried in January. Here I am again, bending over to make everyone else happy. I am so flipping tired of it. My car died (naturally), and they took off. Thank the goddess, because I just needed them gone, I couldn't think straight, haha, cuz im a lesbian....gay jokes aside, yeah, I hated that entire experience, and when my brother said, " Proud of you, I just about threw up...holy cow, yep, now I see, I am dramatic? Sometimes?...

I tried to call people, but everyone was having "partner nights" and all I felt like an interruption, like i just didnt want to be alone...but that's ok, that's Lexi's default and I am ok being alone, just felt gross, just I sat in the rain processing everything, feet in the water, until I finally broke and called Alice. She just threw the Costco "need for space" back in my face. If my window hadn't been open, I wouldve just walked home.

For 3 seconds, I'm glad to be back where I live, but then my home isn't a sanctuary. My roommate took the cushions off the couch because I was "spending too much time" in the living room, im to lazy when i comes to dishes, i throw sex parties when shes not home, like we slept in the living room, were all women, and she says we were laying there all naked, we were clothed, like come on, im supposed to be the dramatic one. Like I pay to live here, $1850 a month, YET I can't have the windows open, I can't light a candle, no plants, and no color, only beige and black in common areas. She actually asked me to not be in the house when she wants the living room. I've put up with a lot, but being misgendered for the 1,000th flipping time in my own home is the limit. You wanted to live with a woman? You ARE living with a woman. I've always been one. Stop telling people you live with a man...

So I just sat on the floor, watching The Good Place and dreaming of leaving, of living. I am putting in the work, I will kill those flipping thoughts. Like Alice said I had a really nice body, but my face was a man's face, like theres a chance you could like fully be a woman after FFS. Like fuck that, I am woman, get the hel outta here...

So, I wake up after a day from hel, and I had this crazy thought that my mom might want to hear from her oldest daughter...

I called my mom to be a "good daughter." Bad move. The family is livid. I didn't tell them I was married, but I couldn't; that was part of the leash I was on. They're convinced I'll never have a child because they don't know about Ollie. I can't tell anyone about him, my uncles all seemed upset I was giving up having a family and continuing the family, and that I took the easy "women's" way out, well shut the fuck up already. You want to sit here and tell me women have it easier? I lost it on my uncle Eric, on Thursday, when everyone found out, like I won't let them put me in that damn stupid box, i wont sit and be told im taking the easy road, fuck you. My mom demanded money back for the hassle I caused the family during their trip here, and when I refused on principle, she snapped. She called me her "son," said I'd only damage a child, and told me, "It's a good thing you weren't born with a womb." She even attacked my therapy, saying Im only going to "weaponize" it. I told her she needs therapy and hung up, as I can't. I keep giving people chances, and I am done. I don't need my birth family; I will make my own.

I can't believe they kept calling me a shemale... I spent the morning trying to look good so KK, so I could be anywhere but my own life for a minute, then wrecked my makeup crying over my own mother telling me I don't deserve to be a parent. I almost didn't go to lunch. I saw KK and turned to leave. My head was roaring. You don't deserve to know her. You've done nothing but make her miserable since you met. She's stalling for something. She doesn't like you. She just feels bad for the idiot, like I just need to run.

I turned and started walking away when I froze. I wasn't going to let my own negativity stop me. I had had a week from hel, and I wanted to listen to her talk. When we got inside, I could hardly breathe, I was somewhere amd had no money, i couldnt breathe, KK found out that I just lost my 3500 in savings and now dont have any money, like thats why this Stargate trip was so important, I finally spent money on myself, $700 for reservations like i was finally treating myself, and now Cloe wont even let me say I went on vacation, because it was only a couple hours, well fuck that, i am taking any win where I can find it...Well, I'm glad V and Cloe got to enjoy it. So I went outside to get air, and I lost my anchor, my last 24 have been too much, so I go back, and I squeeze her hand twice multiple times, it was our agreed on non verbal sign one of us wasnt ok, so I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, because you have to order food for some reason, I wasnt hungry anymore I was trying to breathe. There were so many people, my vision was going blurry, like my favorite food, salad, I couldnt eat because it was making me nauseous, like I just needed to eat, and I know you arent supposed to take salads home, so I wasted food and and and, I tried...im trying, I used to be the one everyone came too, now half the days I feel like damaged goods from Alice....I need her gone, I need a fresh start, I need people to see the woman I AM...

So that brings us to last night, a 19-kilo jog.

Last night, I went for a jog to clear my head. When I got back, a woman was waiting for me, Luna's wife. Apparently, they got married this last winter. She told me to stay away from her family. I didn't even know, she cussed me out and said that wasn't a date, I agreed, we didn't go anywhere, they took off the second my car didn't start, like your partner said nothing that would indicated a problem for them just being a plus 1 for a wedding, I wanted to go with KK, but I don't know if that's weird, we'd both have been bridemaids, like how fucking amazing would that have been, us bridemaids! I was only there to make my sibling happy. Now, it looks like Im out of the bridesmaid lineup for the wedding. Someday, I'll get to do that. For now, Im putting my foot down for myself...

So where does that leave me?

Im over it. Im focusing on my goals and getting ready for Washington. Im getting my campaign ready for game nights on Capitol Hill, dancing at Swing It, karaoke at Tipsy Cow, and rainy days to finish my book (Chapter 8, woot!). I've outgrown 90% of my old life. Now that I am finally living as the woman I am, Im going to start living. Im going to camp and enjoy this final Colorado summer, then I'm gone.

It's 4 AM, I can't sleep, and the couch is still unusable... but I Im getting there.

Next stop: PNW.

Yesterday was a lot. I bombed the interview; I was soaked and not in a fun way. At least it was raining, the power went out, and my phone was at 3%. I was wet, cold, and saddened, but I was determined to end the day on my own terms.

I threw on my old brown hoodie and blanket, went out into the rain, and went full Obi-Wyn Kenobi, as I call her in my fanfic of genderbent Star Wars and why women would rule the galaxy more efficiently. I was out there in the rain pretending to call into Coruscant, reporting that I’d made contact with the Prime Minister of Kamino. Right as I looked up to notice the rain had turned into May Denver snow, the phone died. It was the perfect, ridiculous "Transmission Terminated" ending.

I went back inside, tossed a towel in the dryer, and just sat there by candlelight. It’s 2026, I’m a technical professional, and yet there I was, just Lexi, a few candles, and a mind that finally felt soft enough to wander as the night got darker and quieter.

I started thinking about my sister and brother. I realized how much I miss those Super Smash and Catan nights when we were all in Minnesota; now one of you is in Iowa and another in New York. I somehow wound up in Denver for 10 years... the ones I skipped because I was "chasing a high" at a music gig or because I was terrified of being "too much" for the people I loved and forcing space so I wouldn't drive you away. But I’m learning I’m not too much. I’m just a nerd who wants a library and a new LOTR tattoo, surrounded by awesome people, in person...

I ended up talking with my brother's fiancée, Apl, for hours. She showed me her wedding dress and then pulled the "Witch Card" on me; she knew I wasn't smiling. I finally broke and told her about the fake weddings I had when I was 5, always in the dress. I felt like that dream was shattered years ago with the courthouse and the secrets. I thought my identity meant I had to trade the "Big Dream" for something small and hidden. But she just looked at me and said, "I'm 47 and getting married... you'll get there."

It’s 5 AM now; I’m in three layers of clothes because I don't retain heat like a furnace anymore, and the world is finally quiet. All the "big" questions- the surgery, the move, the job hunt- they don't feel like a free fall anymore. They feel like a path.

Another beautiful day.

It’s 6:00 AM again (or whatever time the caffeine kicks in), and I’m standing at a massive crossroads. Final-round interview is today. If this hits, I’m headed to Canada. If not, I’m digging in here until surgery is done. Either way, my time in Colorado feels finished. I’ve outgrown this version of my life.

I’m terrified. I’m excited. I’m wondering if my eyebrows look okay while simultaneously wondering if I’m finally about to become the person I’ve been building toward my entire life.

The goal is simple, but apparently "unrealistic" to some: I just want a sanctuary. I want to live somewhere where I can rent on my own or find a roommate who is just… chill. A nerd like Raine or Erin, where we can just exist near each other without it being weird. I’m tired of being avoided like the plague or having some MAGA asshole explain why I shouldn't exist for the "greater good." I just want to come home to books, cuddles, and safety.

I’ve had to shed some dead weight to get here, though. I lost some "friends" yesterday because I’m back on my medication. They told me I’m "letting drugs control my life," while I’m over here celebrating the fact that after two years of fighting, I finally have the tools to regulate my own brain again. If they can't see the difference between "getting help" and "giving up," they don't get a seat at my adult table.

My therapist says it’s time. I’m done shrinking myself to fit into rooms that weren't built for me. I’m done masking. I keep meeting amazing people, and I’m genuinely excited to see who else is out there once I’m living authentically in the PNW.

I’m scared of the "free-fall," but for the first time, I think I’m actually going to be kind to myself. Future Lexi deserves a life that doesn't feel like a constant battle.