#pma?

I matter too

I keep forgetting

I deserve love

I keep forgetting

I was at some kind of like party, but it was a bunch of randos and JackSepticEye

And Jack and I seemed to have already been friends for a long time, but I knew no one else.

Anyway, all the randos found something out about me and started making fun of me for it and it was awful. I left crying.

But Jack came after me and he hugged me and told me that the thing they were making fun of me for is one of the things he likes about me

And I dunno... it’s a weird, dumb dream but

It also made me happy....

{ MY PHOTO }

 POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING 

This post is going to be about mental health.

I’m just really tired of being punished because of my mental health issues.

 Some days when I wake up getting out of bed and into the shower it can take me hours. I am going to therapy weekly so it’s not like I’m one of those people who just accepts their issues and simmers in them, I do actually want to get better and I want to be truly happy. I understand that it is most likely never going to just disappear but I don’t want to be 30 and still having panic attacks everyday, that isn’t a life that I want. I do want to have a full life and achieve my goals. I’ve made hard decisions to make it easier to get there, I’ve cut out toxic people, I’ve over come an abusive relationship, I’ve cut out people who are very negative, I’ve settled things with most people i hate or who hate me, I do my absolute best to not fall back on unhealthy coping mechanisms but people don’t seem to care or pay attention to that stuff. My mother suffers from some of the same mental health issues but will still get upset at me if i struggle getting out of bed. I know she may just be upset at herself as she feels it’s her job to help me and get me out of bed but that doesn’t explain why when I finally get up and go downstairs she has a sour face and doesn’t want to talk to me. Some of these days are just her struggling with her mental health, I know this but it makes me feel like a horrible person.

I’m also tired of being punished by people who don’t even know me. I took an unannounced break from social media around about the end of September/start of October and when I finally felt able to come back, my Instagram page was basically dead. You may think that doesn’t really matter but I’ve had that page since about January and I treat it like my baby, I built that page from scratch and have come a long way so when my likes went way down so did my mood and when my story views went way down my unhealthy urges went up. I felt I was being punished for something I had to do and it makes me feel so bad. I understand it may be down to Instagram’s idiotic algorithm but still. I’m now getting my likes and views back up and it’s silly how happy it makes me. It almost makes me want to delete the account because I hate that it has this power over me but if i delete it I know I’ll miss it. I feel kinda stuck and it sucks