#plz read!!

Tired eyes blinking slowly and dried lips parted. The worst cocktail from waking up in a place that wasn’t as homely as the best, neither as great as under the warm sheets.

The truth was, the sheets weren’t warm. Far from it, they felt cold and even with a hot long body like his, he couldn’t keep himself warm. There was no source of heat left in his body to carry all the empty thoughts and hole hearted feelings.

He could easily just rest on the orange towel on Miami beach and still not feel celsius plus degrees. Nothing left to carry above the freezing point.

His cheek felt numb and he had no idea for how long he had been staying in the same position.

A bit of dew formed almost diagonally on the small window to the balcony door. It was still open ajar, Luke barely remembered the moment he had opened it last time.

He wasn’t even sure if it was last night. His phone was out of battery and he was going through the days without time in his life. The only source of help was from the sun or the moon.

He was sitting in the only spot of the room without piles of clothes. The light grey carpet could barely be seen. Someone almost had to believe the unwashed clothes were a colorful carpet.

His socks were removed from his feet, something he mostly had done in his sleep because of habit when sleeping. He looked at the small scar on the skin from when he had accidentally dropped Calum’s bass on his feet.

His guitar had almost been left untouched. Something that bored a deep hole in his heart, but he just couldn’t himself to play.

After the third try and dropping the guitar picks into the hole he had given up.

It was like a sign that he shouldn’t even give it a try.

A small curl was falling in front of his face but he looked through it. His hair had grown long and he usually wore a hair tie around his wrist but he had lost it without memory of where.

He wasn’t sure why he had fallen asleep leaning against the balcony door on the floor. But one thing was for sure, he slept just as bad as he did when he was sleeping alone in the bed.

Standing up his legs felt like jelly. He could barely stand on his feet and his eyes spaced out for a minute. Whether it was from the bad sleeping position or just the fact he hadn’t been drinking water or eating for almost over a day, he didn’t know.

Mainly it was a combination of both.

He touched the sheets between his calloused fingers, eyes glancing towards the two pillows. Someone would see it as a benefit having something of two, but Luke still couldn’t touch the left side of the bed without feeling uncomfortable and misplaced.

What is she came back? What would she say if he had been sleeping in her side of the bed this whole time?

There was a thought behind their positions in the bed. She wanted the view from the balcony and Luke just wanted the view of her.

But none of that worked now. The only thing he would be staring at when resting on the right side of the bed would be his reflection in the mirrors attached to his closet.

He barely wanted to look over his shoulder because when his eyes were closed she was still there.

Laughing at his jokes, recording him when he was making random noises in his sleep and holding around his waist when he wanted to be the little spoon.

Her magazines were still scattered in a mess in the drawer below her nightstand. A glass of water was half filled or half empty. A bit of stain from her NYX lipstick was still seen. But it fainted away every day.

He was tired of hearing that he needed to clean away. But who told someone to clean away all the memories that made living possible?

His shirt hadn’t been cleaned for god knows how long and a large stain of Cocio was on his thigh. His grey Nike trainers could almost stand up without the support of his legs.

He told himself repeatedly because that was what everyone told him.

He would be just fine.

He could be standing in this bedroom for ours wanting to rewind back. But somehow something always came in the way of pulling him away from his dream.

Life was just a nightmare.

Leaning down as he exhaled deeply he tried doing just what everyone had told him. Trying to clean out to finally move on.

He tried to remove a few shirts that he had scattered on the floor in an attempt of putting them into a cleaning basket.

But every time just the touch of the fabric brought him back to her.

The smell of her perfume was gone, he had considered just using the one she used because it was still in the bathroom.

Right next to his.

In the middle of all the mess, he could point out a shirt that no matter how many times he looked at it gave him goosebumps down his spine. It was just the small Z that gave him the anxiety he had been trying to push away the last weeks, days, hours and seconds.

It was a simple Zeppelin shirt and there was nothing special about it. It wasn’t a shirt he had owned and passed it to her, it wasn’t something she had slept in as a nightshirt. It was just a random shirt just like the accident happening that day.

She didn’t want to wear it and had scattered it right to the floor. She had done that multiple times, not wanting to wear it on the current day because it didn’t fit well with her hairstyle.

But sometimes he just wished that she had worn it that day. Saving time and preventing the future from happening.

Exhaling quickly he looked into the mirror again and saw nothing else but darkness in his face.

He couldn’t just stand here and do this. He still needed the stuff to be scattered. Nothing in the room needed to change even though he felt the pressure to do it.

He considered just going right back to the position by the balcony door or even trying to cuddle under the sheets

His direction turned to something else.

It was a tempting choice, he had been standing in a torn position whether he had wanted to do this or not. It was either that or the blood leaking from his scalp from how many times he had been wanting to pull his hair out in depression and frustration.

He still hadn’t figured out a way to handle his emotions. Not even help could try to satisfy his needs.

His hand was shaking once he reached over into one of the cupboards hanging next to the sink mirror. No matter what room he went into in the house he wanted to pull his hair out.

Something as simple as hair shampoo, conditioner, blow drier. Makeup scattered in a mess in her makeup bag, her purple toothpaste right next to his red one, a little bit of stain from a mascara on the mirror.

Every single bit was a memory, what was nothing turned into everything.

Grabbing what he needed and plugged it in he took one glance at his mirror reflection.

He looked down at his wrist shaking but for once he did something he felt was what he was guided to do.

His hand was shaking when he grabbed the first curl by his ear, watching it slowly fall off and into the sink instead. Already by that, his shaking went from the hand and to his whole body.

Continuing the path he tried his best to avoid the curls on the top, not wanting to erase everything on his head but just the strands that made him feel stuck.

He made sure that everything around his head was gone, not completely bald but with a little bit of stubble on it. He could barely recognize himself in the mirror and he almost wanted to step back and look away.

He ran a hand through the rest of his hair, still able to make a small quiff that was almost flat and out of character because of his curls.

“I wish you were here to help me.” He almost lost it by feeling so miserable, letting go of the razer machine and rested his hands on the sink.

“I’ve never felt as alone as I feel now.”

Blinking twice trying to get a tear away he looked into his mirror reflection and felt his heart skip a beat.

With the small shadow behind him, he felt his lips tremble, his hand shaking even more than before and his mouth getting dry by the sight of her.

“Y/N?” He almost couldn’t get the name out loud, he had avoided saying it fearing of breakdown.

There was everything about her that he missed. Her beautiful hair, her eyes shining up at him and her soft hand coming up to his shoulder to show her comfort.

He was completely sure he was seeing things, he knew this wasn’t real but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to ruin the moment, he wanted it to last for the rest of his life.

“I’m sorry I cut my hair,” He whispered in a cry, “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

She shook her head in agreement, smiling carefully at him but he could also tell that she was feeling sad inside because of how he was feeling. She was always this empathic towards everyone.

His eyes were becoming red just like the blush on his cheeks and he could feel how his knees were shaking.

He didn’t want to break down, not when she was seeing him like this.

“I know I always had to be the man... But I can’t be a man to myself when I don’t have you around.”

She nodded her head in understanding and carefully took his hand.

It felt almost like a feather but he could the sparkle inside. It was like butterflies erupting in his stomach and he followed her out of the bathroom and down the stairs to the living room.

In the middle of everything she turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck instead.

He looked confused at first but when she slowly rocked back and forth as much as she could despite the size and height difference.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and shut his eyes, letting all his emotions getting out at once.

He cried for god knows how long, feeling how every single tear in his body was ready to float out. He could feel it in the eyes, how they were getting puffy and heavy but for once he felt that he could get it all out at once.

Just to feel her and let all the emotions float together lifted a rock from his heart and his shoulders.

The smell of her hair, the feeling of her touch and just the small smile she had on her face while swinging him around. He wanted to remember this moment forever because it was at that moment he felt that it was just okay to feel like this.

He wanted to ask her a million questions, he wanted to beg for her to stay and do everything he could just to have a small day with her. “I know the feeling of this is killing you inside.”

She said something for the first time and while continuing to swing around he looked down at her. She leaned up on her toes to remove a tear from running down his cheek.

“But always remember this, Luke... My love.” She pressed her cheek against his to whisper;

“I will always love you and be by your side. You can always close your eyes and see me.”

She knew it wasn’t the same but on the other hand, it was also true.

“I know this is going to be a hell. I know this isn’t going to be alright already but I just want to let you know one thing.”

He looked down at her, “What?”

“It’s always okay not to be okay. And this takes time. You just have to accept it. Don’t just move on like everyone says. But accept, that you’re allowed to be sad, you’re allowed to cry and you’re allowed to cry out your feelings. I know you say you aren’t strong but you are. Because every time you feel alone you just have to close your eyes and think of me. Just like you’re doing now.”

All the words coming from her mouth made him want to shake, even more, it felt as if he wasn’t breathing but he nodded his head. What she was saying was so true.

“I love you so much it hurts.” He whispered and pressed his lips against her forehead.

“I love you too Luke. You’ve always taken care of me. Don’t forget to take care of yourself.”

He nodded his head in agreement, eyes closed and his mind going through everything and nothing at the same time.

Opening his eyes slowly he looked out of the window that had the sun streaming in through the trees down by the sea. He could hear the waves crash ashore, it was distant but he could hear it almost like he was sitting in it.

His home phone calling was what brought him out of his thoughts.

Looking at the phone number he could already tell who it was.

“Hey man, it’s Ashton. I hope I didn’t wake you up and I know it’s early.”

“Hey bro,” Luke leaned his head to the side to have the phone between his shoulder and ear. He leaned down to grab the picture frame resting next to the answering machine.

“No, it’s okay. I was up.”

“Oh, that’s great.” Luke could har Ashton puzzle around over the phone. He was stumbling through his words.

“Luke, I know I’ve tried it many times and I know you still don’t want to leave the house or anything but I just thought we could meet up at the records and just talk you know... Screw it, I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“No, no it’s completely fine.” Luke nodded his head in agreement even though Ashton wasn’t able to see him through the phone.

“You sure? Because we don’t necessarily have to record something we can basically just chill in the studio and eat take out.”

“I’m completely sure.” Luke looked down at the photo frame with his thumb caressing the glass. An old picture of him and Y/N.