Another call from my mother. I unfortunately answered. She babbles on about my sick nan. I tell her not to contact me again, that I will get information about my nan from my aunts and uncles, that I don't want to speak to her. She rages about how she is MY mother. How it's HER responsibility to tell me about my sick nan, no one elses. How 'now is not a time for conflict'.

I told her she should have thought about that a few years ago, that she should have treated me differently.

She says no one else will tell me, only her. I tell her no, I asked if she's told them to stop speaking to me, like before. She says 'I won't be sucked into this conflict- I will talk to you later' She hangs up on me.

I call my sister to warn her- these are the moments we bond over. Our disgraceful mother. I do love my older sister, we just don't always see eye to eye. I sent my mother a text, telling her not to contact me again. She replies saying she will always have contact with me, that she will always love me, 'regardless of how horrible you have been to me'.

I have been horrible to her? Later tonight we found out she did send a message to my aunt and uncles, telling them my older sister and I are 'playing games' and not to tell us things about nana.

This is my mother. This is my depressor. This is my dark cloud on a beautiful day. She sickens me. I wonder how she still exists. If there is a 'god' some all powerful thing watching over us- why would they let her keep tormenting, keep harming, keep destroying and twisting and mutilating?