,
I'm not gonna have a whole day or week to myself to just-- do things I want to, think about what I need, make my own choices, ever again. not without paying for it in more time spent comatose.
and that's-- a thing we've just got to figure out how to live with, somehow. we just have to share. that's all there is. we don't get sixteen hours a day to be awake and interact with the world anymore, and so we've got to stop pining for that. we can try to lessen the blow. we can keep trying to learn how to co-con and hope we can and that it feels real enough to make any difference, and spend some of the time that way. but even if that works, and helps with feeling present, it's still sharing. it's just-- intertwining the time more closely. (or on the flip side, we can try to carve out-- partitioned areas, parts of life that are just ours to control.)
and-- I can find the upsides. there are things that are nice, or fascinating, or really unique experiences, about being like this, too!
but I have to give up, truly and permanently, on this idea of having a life of my own. I won't. I was never going to. we were never going to. grieve it and move on.
