#plentoffish

I've made a profile on one of those dating websites. Actually 2. It's quite fun for the potential artistic outlet of prose it offers. The circumstances of hot chicks getting tons of messages and only glancing them briefly makes writing something appropriate a real challenge. My aim other than finding someone is to entertain, mostly myself but also society. I'll include periodic snippets of me in the drop.

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Hi!

And I was agreeing with a lot of things you said but then you mentioned nicholas cage. His hairline is at his earlobes, which automatically disqualifies him from the adjective "Exceptional". But then again maybe you were referring that Cher movie, where he had both good hair and pretty suave acting. 

I have never had a long distance penpal, sound like something that would be good to try out at least once every 5 years. I'm also creative and an intellectual.

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Hi!

I also draw, mostly when I'm at working and have to listen to a very long conversation. I take paper out and draw caricatures of people around me. I don't get paid for it and I end up getting chastised. I'm glad that's not your reality. 

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Hi!

I think you should give conformity a chance. It's kinda fun when everyone agrees with you and you don't have to put yourself out there  awkwardly. Otherwise people make fun of you and spread rumors and you have to go hide and pretend you're sick so you don't have to go to school anymore. Didn't mean to say all of that. Sometimes, stuff just comes out like that. This didn't happen to me BTW, just one of my friends. 

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Hi!

It's nice to see someone that believes in so many things. I would agree with a lot of what made it on your list. Some are not essential i.e education and fishing. 

Education is overrated. People were having a much better time back in the day. You would just hang out in a tepee and make arrows and then go chase Kevin Costner around. All education brought us was guns and better fermentation techniques for alcohol. I'm sure sitting bull would have rather been ignorant. 

Fishing I feel is not very efficient. They have these big ships that run on oil and can throw a net and feed a whole city. It's quite badass and exquisite. Only downside is once in a while I guess they sink but oil and water mix pretty well, I have been told. 

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So against my better judgement I was encouraged by a friend to sign up to Plenty of Fish due overcome my recent spate of bad experiences with members of the opposite species.  Needless to say you really couldn't write the stuff that has happened to me (I'm still looking for whoever gave me this curse, and what I did to deserve it).

Anyway this post isn't to cover what has happened before but about my experiences with the site.

The initial premise is (overall) promising; site is a bit of a mishmash, looks fairly basic but the most important thing it apparently has a large number of members.  And yes you can hate me for saying this but whether you like it or not, it's all very superficial.  I'm not saying I'm an Adonis, neither am I ugly, so my original expectations were pretty positive.

I haven't been a member that long, but I thought if I am going to try, I may as well give it a proper chance.  So I accurately filled in the "About Me" section, interests, put photographs up, etc.  All in all I'd say it was representative of moi.

Results? Pah. Have sent a number of messages out to various girls, and not a single reply.  And before the suggestion is made that they were "CTRL+A, CTRL+C, CTRL+V" jobs, I made a concerted effort to look for something in the profile with which to break the ice with.

It's amazing to think how sheer number of girls complain about not finding Mr. Right/had my share of d**kheads/guys just looking for sex, but yet when a guy who is genuinely affectionate and romantic and trustworthy (and and and...) is left on the sidelines you start to wonder how truthful these girls are being.  Do they just want the d**kheads?  Possibly.  I certainly am not the only guy in the World who thinks like this, and certainly am not the sole member of this type of male (but we are a dying breed).

Today's tale comes from one of my personal favorites, Trixie.  Last week Trixie experienced a trifecta in Internet dating terror.  Trixie writes that she often will spend hours going through profile after profile only to come up with nothing but a migraine and a deeper loathing toward humanity to show for it.  Last week she managed to find 3 out of zillions which actually blew up her skirt a bit, but to her surprise she would discover that her 3 studs were 3 total duds.  Let's read what she has to say:

#1 seemed really smart, funny, different & articulate. Emails and phone numbers exchanged. He is 42. He called me - didn't leave a message. I called him back next day on the weekend. It was like pulling teeth to have any conversation with him.

He was all loose and cool on his profile and email then on the phone was reallllly weird. I finally gave up trying to get him to talk. Knew I'd never hear from him. Sure enough he emailed me to ask em out. Couldn't call me to do that. weird.

#2... totally cute looking guy (to me) great unusual "what the fuck" profile angle. jumped to IM fast

I think we advanced in one evening... his profile did have brains showing in it. So we get on IM and start to chat. Within about a minute he says out of the blue, "I'm huge!"

I kind of ignore it... thinking maybe he means he's popular? haha. Then he asks if I want to see his dick. Great. I can get that from only a million guys I already know. So i kinda blew him off fast. No pun intended.

The contrast with the profile and the behavior is strange... there's much better quickie sites out there

#3 profile on POF - seemed like a nice choice. From Washington state, cool dude. Again, I spent HOURS saying: NO NO NO to zillions of other profiles.

Pick out dude #3 and I send him a blabby first email. His first email back was... gee you're really cute. I likie your profile. And my wife and I were wondering if you might be into a threesome.

All three in one week. I'm lovin' it!

I think there are several lessons to be learned here.  And, as men, we owe it to ourselves to learn from them.  So let's break it down into a simple format your gorilla brain is going to be able to digest:

If you have a crippling social anxiety...stop pretending you're "loose" and "cool."  You're not.  You might think you are, but most people don't.  This doesn't make you the worst kind of human by any means, but you need to learn to work with what you got.  So if you've got 20 bucks a hooker just might work for you.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCE EVER EVER EVER talk about, or show a woman, your dick before she brings it up or asks to see it!  This is kind of a no-brainer, but apparently this is the biggest mistake most dudes are making.  We're not our simian ancestors anymore fellas.  We don't get to spend our days knuckle dragging and poop slinging with our proud and erect manhood free to catch the breeze.  Those days are long gone.  Keep your pants on.

Don't surprise women with your wife.  It's far worse than surprising them with your porn star cock.  Like Trixie reminds us...there are better sites suited for just that very thing.

Thanks for sharing your tale, Trixie!  On behalf of those of us who are knee deep in sewage down here in the trenches of Internet dating.  We salute you!