#plateuing

10/18/25

I just want to be good again. I want to be that coxswain who doesn't have to think about the sport and just knows what to say. I want to be 16 again and racing at nationals. I want to feel confident again. I want. to be 17 and winning every race again. I want to be 18 and let everything roll off my shoulders instead of taking it all so personally. I don't want to be watching my every move.

I want to be good at this sport again. I poured 8 years into it, and all I can see are my flaws. I want to be 15 racing the 2v again. I want to be 14, not caring about medals, just being happy that I raced. I want to be 13, trying to quit because I don't like it even though I'm good.

I don't want to be 19 watching myself fail, over and over again.

I don't want to be 19, watching myself slip back into old habits.

I don't want to fail anymore. I want to race and watch my coach smile, I want him to be proud of me, I want to be good.

I want to be the coxswain he recruited.

Everyone tells me I'm good, I need to get out of my own head, but all I see are old, stupid mistakes. I know I care too much. I know it's just a sport, but after the number of things I've had to go through, this sport has been my only constant. This sport became my home.

I want to be home again. I want to walk into the boathouse again and see everyone I used to row with and be back in that four again.

I want to be a good coxswain again. I want to be the reliable coxswain again. I want to be the one who the rowers come to for anything.

I'm not good enough.