#pjs angst

You met Jay during college. How he tried not to attract attention, his thoughtfulness, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, and god... his dimples. Yet somehow, even from the start, shadows lingered.

He was kind to everyone. To his friends, to strangers, and, most painfully, to the girls who came before you. He never said it outright, but you could see it in the way his friends talked about her. Or didn’t. How they didn’t really talk about you at all. How they still saw him as the boy who’d loved her, the boy who’d been different before you.

The first time you saw that photo tucked into his wallet, a picture of them, smiling so brightly, a moment where they seem so happy to be around each other frozen and carried around in a glossy paper. You’d teased him because you and Jay weren’t official yet at that time. “Oh, you’re still carrying her around?” He’d just laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck, “It’s not like that. Well, I paid for it, kind of wasteful to throw it away.” It’s funny. The amount he paid for the picture wasn’t much, so you know it’s not the reason. Yet again, you wanted, needed to believe him. And you did.

You had known a lot about her, of course you had. She was someone he’d once loved deeply, and Jay wasn’t the type to pretend that part of his heart had never existed. “It’s nothing, really. She just wanted to ask me things,” he’d said the time you saw the chat room on his phone. You choose to understand. After all, you love him so much that you trust him more than anything.

Jay was never the one who asked for the breakup with her. That part of his story, he never spoke of openly—but you learned in fragments. The way his voice always softened at the mention of her name, how his gaze drifted somewhere distant whenever old memories surfaced. It was she who walked away, leaving him clutching at air, trying to understand where he went wrong, desperately begging for chances, despite knowing it’s not his fault — not wanting to lose her.

And maybe that’s why Jay never let himself fall too deep again. Maybe that’s why, even when he loved you, tried to love you the way you deserved... he kept pulling himself back before he could get lost. Because in his mind, losing himself in love meant losing the person too.

He treated her kindly, even long after the end. A soft spot he couldn’t erase. He helped when she asked, answered when she called, stayed kind. And you saw it. You saw the lengths he went for her, the gentleness that lingered, and it made you wonder if why you were worth the same softness, the same staying power.

And then there was the girl he liked after getting his heart broken. The “almost”. The one his housemates always teased him about, the one he’d convinced to come to the same college. The one he said he had no feelings for, not anymore. But when she messaged, he’d respond.

You still remembered that night — when she asked to see him, and he chose you.

But his heart wasn’t there. His body sat next to you, but his mind was elsewhere. And you hated yourself for noticing.

Fear does strange things to people.

No matter how hard Jay tried, the ghosts of your past fears, and his past clung to you. And sometimes, without meaning to, you pushed him away.

You asked for breaks; not because you didn’t want him, but because you needed to know he’d stay. You needed to know he wouldn’t throw you away at the first sign of your cracks.

Until he didn’t, until that one last time.

You were with him for three months.

Jay didn’t end things because he stopped caring. He ended it because he was exhausted — exhausted of watching the person he loved hurt, and feeling like he was the reason why. He convinced himself that you deserved someone who could make you feel safe without trying so hard, someone who could love you without their love feeling like a weight on your chest.

You tried to understand. You tried so hard. When Jay said those words, “I think you’ll keep hurting if I hold on. I’m not enough for you. I’m tired of seeing you hurt because of me.” — you wanted to scream.

Because in that moment, all you wanted was for him to fight. You wanted him to see past the fear in your eyes, to reach out and pull you closer. You wanted him to stay. You wanted him to choose you, not walk away. You wanted to heal him too. You wanted him to decide, that both of you is worth to fight for. To grow, to learn, to love, together.

But at that moment? He didn’t.

And now, no matter how much time passes, it still hurts. It hurts because you didn’t ask for perfection. You asked for him. You know he’s trying, and you’re trying too. Which should be more than enough. But instead, he left you standing there with your heart wide open, waiting for someone who no longer believed he was what you needed.

You held on. You were ready to stay, no matter how messy, no matter how scared. Because he was worth it. He was your reason to keep on living, after all. The one who made you finally yearn for a future together after years of hating the idea of living. After he left, what’s more to live for?

You met again after Jay ended things.

“Why?” he asked. “Why did you always pull away?”

You met his gaze, eyes wet with unshed tears.

“Because I wanted to see if you’d stay. Because I needed to know I wasn’t easy to throw away. Because I wanted to be what they were to you. The one you kept choosing, even when it was hard.” How badly you wanted to say it, yet you kept quiet. Just staring, really looking at him, afraid that this might be the last time you see his face, the one you loved so much, and to be this close to him, where his presence is your home, for the last time.

Jay waited for your answer. He didn’t pushed you, he waited. After a while, you finally answered, “I never wanted to. I tried to understand. And it used to feel like… I am yours, but you’re never mine.”

You told yourself it was for the best. That maybe, now, he’d finally find what he was looking for. That maybe you’d finally stop feeling like you were holding him back.

But the hurt didn’t stop.

You saw him sometimes, across campus. Still talking to that girl after his ex. Still smiling when she messaged. Interacting on each other's post, commenting “when’s the next date?”, knowing damn well his friends still teased them.

And that was what broke you the most; not that he moved on, but that maybe he never had to. Maybe you’d always just been filling space in his heart, space that had never really been yours.

You broke up hoping that maybe, finally, he’d give you the kind of care he gave to ones before you. That he’d see, treasure, choose you, in the way you’d always longed for.

But nothing changed.

If anything, it felt like he was freer now.

And still.

Still, you waited.

You waited for him to realize that it wasn’t too late. That he could come back. That you’d been waiting all along. That you chooses him no matter what.

⭑ lvfrstar’s note: i wanted to write for sunghoon, but knowing how gentle jay is with women, i chose him for this (please differentiate au and real life ❤️‍🩹) i hope yall love this as much as i do cuz i cried while writing this…