#pining logicality

Mentioned (minor) homophobia, pining, Royality, Analogical. x ^

Patton Anderson never hated his younger brother when he was born, he never hated his parents for they rules he set up. He never hated his friends.

And that meant that, at fifteen years old, when he only understanding friend turned away, he didn't hate it. That meant he kept persisting despite his friend closing off. That meant he didn't hate his parents when they refused that he had a crush on him.

Even at seventeen, when Roman came, he didn't hate him for the possibility that he could sweep Logan away. It meant he didn't hate his parents when the refused- refused- that he had two 'boy-crushes.'

Even if he was sad that he wasn't also dating Logan, he didn't hate it.

That only meant he was sad- if relieved- at eighteen, when Virgil came. At college, away from his parents disapproval at three crushes. Virgil was.. adorable. That was the only way Patton could describe him. He fought every step everyone took, and he was so agressive- it was adorable because of how short and otherwise shy the man way.

It meant he was only happy when Logan and Virgil got together. Happy, if sad he couldn't have them too.

TW: very implied internalized homophobia, unsatisfactory ending, pining, bad feelings, kissing

Patton might’ve missed on what Logan was particularly talking about, but he could stare. He was a picture perfect definition of a sap, well, a clueless sap as Roman would put it.

‘God his eyes are gorgeous, they’re like dark chocolate.’ Patton thought, ‘if he moves under his lamp a little more, I bet I could see the bronze sparkles in his eyes.’

Though, a deep full bodied voice would interrupt his thoughts.

“Patton?”

“Huh? What, what is it?” Patton uselessly blabbered.

“Shit, I’ve been droning on for too long.” Logan guiltily apologized, “I’m boring you, aren’t I?”

“You must be kidding me then, Lo! I could listen to your voice for days!”

Patton lovingly smiled as he did for all of his friends.

“Wait- wait, I didn’t mean-” Patton yelped, once more making a fool out of himself.

“You could?” Logan’s voice dropped to a whisper, rumbling like a quiet storm.

‘He moved under the lamp. Gosh it’s like the night sky over there.’

“I mean-..yeah, I could.” Patton gulped.

Logan shifted, avoiding eye contact.

“Oh, well, um..” Logan’s pale and boney hand set on top of Patton’s, “Thank you.”

Patton shyly giggled, his heart rate picking up.

“Well it’s true. Your voice is just, so deep.” Patton sputtered, “You’re welcome.”

A comfortable silence surrounded them while they sat on Logan’s bed.

‘Is it crazy to think he's just gorgeous? No, no, I’m not gay, I just think he’s a good looking guy is all. Right. Right. Right?’

Patton turned to look at Logan again. The aforementioned gentleman had moved closer, their thighs were pressed together. He felt his breath hitch, watching Logan’s eyes follow the contours of his face.

“Salutations.”

Patton moved closer.

‘God forbid.’

The knees shifted together like a neatly crafted lattice.

“Hi.”

“This is a bad idea, isn’t it?” Logan hummed, his face completely red.

“It’s a pretty good bad idea.” Patton offered, equally as nervous.

Logan’s hand came up to the side of his head, twirling a piece of Patton’s hair. His face had gotten a bit closer.

“Um, we really shouldn’t Patton.”

“But we could.” Patton backed off a little, suddenly realizing what he said, “That is if we’re thinking the same thing.”

“We could be.”

Logan leaned back, running his hand through his thick brown hair.

“I mean, aren’t teenagers supposed to..?”

“Do bad ideas?”

“Yeah.”

He didn’t even think about it. Patton’s hands found their way to Logan’s waist, gripping the black fabric of his polo. Logan grabbed him by the collar of his letterman, his eyes wide and brimming with excitement.

“I mean, it's just a little mistake..” Patton mumbled, “Just a little mistake, please?”

Patton would’ve told you he didn’t know what he was in for, but he did.

“Well, then,” Logan’s hands tugged on his collar, “Oops.”

Logan’s arms shot around his neck, and as Patton’s settled on the middle of his back. To be perfectly honest and straightforward, they kissed. This was Logan’s first kiss, being a queer kid in Logansport didn’t exactly settle well so his options were vague.

This was strange.

Patton hadn’t exactly realized something. The way his heart rate sped up, or how fond of Logan’s looks he was. He figured this was just how people felt about their best friends.

His father would kill him, if he found out about this.

“I’m so sorry, I should’ve asked!” Logan apologized, releasing Patton from his grip, “I know you don’t swing that way.”

Patton pulled him back in, holding him in place.

“I don’t. I really don’t.” Patton started, “But I mean, I kind of liked it.”

Logan’s eyes light up once more.

“Um, you did?”

“Yeah! I did,” Patton laughed, “Maybe we could do that again sometime.”

“I’m free in the next second.”

Patton rubbed Logan’s tie between his fingers, feeling this unnatural sort of ache in his chest. He kind of liked it though.

“That’s great! Oh-!”

I doubt you’d want to hear about those next 30 minutes, but it ended with them on the crappy roof outside of Logan’s window. Logan’s tie was gone, and he had Patton’s letterman around his shoulders.

“I love you.” Patton said, staring at the dark night sky, “You’re my best friend.”

Logan nodded and a silent pang of pain stung in his lungs.

“I love you too, dude.”

The words felt dumb and dishonest on Logan’s tongue.

“Chris asked me out the other day.” Logan mumbled, “I think he’s a little dull but, it's not like I have many options.”

Patton nodded, a silent pang of jealousy stung in his throat.

There really isn’t a resolution to this story. If you’re reading this, you know the jist.

They danced the same tango for years.

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Though I realized something was never discussed, with our time coming to an end in less of a year or so.

Logan fell in love first, but Patton didn’t until much later.

Logan’s feelings would somewhat fade into his early twenties, while Patton’s would grow that bit stronger.

The void reminded Logan’s of his feelings, and Patton’s new found freedom truly brought their feelings back into the mix.

Half the time, I can’t remember who kissed who. Half the time, I feel some sort of remorse for something not quite there.

Our time together is ending, Ms. Mary. I say these things, and you never seem to see what they mean to me. Our time is ending, and I’m scared.

Logan softly chuckles.

Logan: This seems oddly familiar. What was it that you said to me?

Patton: I believe it was, It’s a pretty good bad idea.

Logan: I believe I’m sitting where you were, correct?

Patton: Correct. You still have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.

“No. The chances are too slim. I’ll probably be an accountant, or a lawyer.” I paused. “Besides, I’ve been told my writing doesn’t have ‘feeling’. I won’t make it far, even if I made informational content.”

“I guess I can’t really be a judge of that. I’ve never read any of them.”

“They’re not worth reading.”

I looked at Patton. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but he quickly regained a straight face.

“Do you think the stars get sad?”

“What? Stars aren’t alive.”

“You don’t have to be alive to be sad.”

“I-I think you do.”

He stared at the night sky. I felt Patton’s soft hand set on top of mine. His fingers traced shapes on the back of my hand.

“Well, I don’t.”

I cocked my eyebrow at him.

“Can I tell you something?”

I sucked in a large breath. Something twisted in my gut, something just wasn’t right but I answered Patton.

“Of course.”

“Today, I was at my grandfather’s grave. And I saw something.”

There was an unfamiliar edge to his voice.

“I swear if this is like one of Virgil’s cryptid stories, or a pun. I will kick you out.”

“It isn’t, I swear.” He fiddled with his cardigan, “I saw a pool of blood at his grave.”

“Shit. Did you tell someone?”

“I didn’t.” He stretched out his hands and fingers. “Well, technically, I told you.”

“What am I supposed to do about it?”

Patton stopped touching my hand as he scooted away until his back was against the wall. The curtain blocked the moonlight from settling on his face.

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.”

I set my hand next to him, hoping he would grab it again. I wasn’t very skilled at telling what someone was feeling, but Patton was easier for me to read. His eyes would drift away from my gaze, and he would hug his knees. Even in the dim lighting, I could see how his cheeks creased as he buried his face into his knees.

Patton was disturbed. The same glint in his eyes from when he sat next me in Ms.Marino’s car while she drove me to the hospital, though it was dimmed down to a quiet stare.

“The blood was blue.”

“What?”

“I don’t know, Logan! And then, everything was white and then-then there was your grandmother and this lady talking! “

He flung his hands out, when he yelled. Hot tears ran down his freckled cheeks, as his honey glazed eyes gazed into my soul.

“That’s ridiculous.”

“It was like I was looking through someone else’s eyes.”

I looked back into Patton's gentle amber eyes. My skin crawled with goosebumps from his sudden emotional outburst. I’ve never seen him like this. He was like a dog that had come back after being lost for a week, suddenly afraid of anything.

“You have to believe me.”