#piecing together

Roger had known when he had first started taking James to preschool that it was going to be much harder when taking him to primary school. James didn't like to go anywhere without Roger and it had taken time for him to be fine with going to playgroups without Roger having to be there with him. But school was different. School was where James had to be in class with others where teachers tried to encourage the children to talk to one another. School was where James couldn't sit next to the bookshelf and read in solitude.

It was a place he was going to have to interact with people his own age and with the teachers and that was something he didn't want. It wasn't just reading stories and drawing and playing games, it was learning and James preferred to do that with Roger.

Recently the band hadn't been busy making an album. For the past year, they had done one tour and that was it, they had been on a break as it were which they all desperately needed. Now they were trying to get back into their groove to work for Live Aid in two weeks. So Roger had been home and with James almost every day and he loved it. Roger had been showing him some basics for English, maths and had told him what he would be doing at school. And James had loved it because Roger was the teacher.

But Roger knew he simply couldn't homeschool James because he didn't go anywhere. James only had two friends from the playgroup he went to and he rarely saw them. He would never go out if he was homeschooled and Roger couldn't do that to him as much as he desired to wrap James in bubble wrap and keep him at home.

It had been two days since James first started primary school and he was finding it difficult. He hated mixing with others and having to sit with other kids, he was too busy panicking to concentrate properly and he wasn't allowed to keep his bag on. His Queen bag holding his medication had to be kept in the cupboard with everyone else's medication but the teacher had purposely sat James near the cupboard so he wouldn't panic that someone else would snatch the bag when he wasn't looking.

"I'm not fibbing." The seven-year-old pouted as he had puppy eyes that almost always made Roger crack.

Roger pushed himself off the counter with a sigh as he moved to bend down in front of his boy, motioning with his finger for James to spin around. The little boy sighed in relief that Roger was taking him seriously as he turned so his back was facing the drummer.

One of their usual routines taking place as Roger lifted James' shirt and jumper before pressing his ear against James' back. Listening to him taking deep breaths so he could see if his breathing sounded laboured or hard or if there was any crackling that suggested an infection. Roger had to admit it sounded a bit more forced than usual but there was no crackling and nothing to suggest there was anything wrong. James said there was no pain in his chest, it just felt a little harder to breathe than normal.

"Take these to make sure you don't get an infection." Roger reached into the black Queen bag that was sitting on the table, pulling out a small silver sachet and taking out two circular pills from it to hand to James. It was a precaution to make sure if there was an infection or a cold that it wouldn't get any worse. "You're still going," Roger stated when James frowned but did as told anyway.

"But daddy-"

"Buddy, you're having a checkup on Monday. If something's wrong then the doctor will find out but for now, you're perfectly well enough for school. No buts, come on go get ready." If there was something wrong or James was really ill Roger would let him stay home but he knew James was trying to exaggerate so he didn't have to go because school made him panic.

Roger couldn't do anything about James' anxiety, he couldn't take it away from him and he couldn't do much but comfort him and try and get him to go to school. The more he went the less he would panic about it because he couldn't be homeschooled with Roger's work and his social anxiety that needed to be taken into control now.

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"I think we need to get you a new bag." Roger commented as he rested his hand on James' back between his shoulder blades. His blue eyes looked over the bag that his boy had had for roughly four years now, a bag that he had used almost every day since he first got it.

Being the one in control of his medication and making sure he remembered that made James feel happy, it made him feel like he was grown up even if Roger was the one to tell him what to take and how many and when to have the medication. But he always had his black backpack with the silver Queen logo on the front.

The right strap of the bag had almost snapped and Roger had haphazardly sewn it together twice already and now the left strap was beginning to tear. The zipper was worn out and there were threads pulling loose here and there which made it look tattered but loved from how much use the bag had seen over the years.

Leaning his head up to look at Roger, James shook his head in protest. He knew the bag was worn out but he didn't want another one, he liked this one.

Reaching into the bag, Roger grabbed the bottle of orange juice as the pair of them approached the middle of the vast hall that was filled with equipment for the band. They weren't recording anything they were simply practising their songs and anthems for Live Aid so they didn't need a studio, they had found a music hall that would let them practice every day for as long as they needed.

The floor was rather old and wooden but the room was bare and let them fill it up with the drum risers and the drum kit, the guitars, a piano and a lot of amps and speakers and microphones.

"Alright, sit anywhere you want buddy but make sure you drink some of this." Roger handed the bottle of juice to James who nodded, trotting over before sitting himself down to the side of the circle of instruments where he had a view of them all. Roger had taken a small break to head to the school and pick James up when he finished but they still needed to practise so he brought him along to practise. It was easier than getting someone else to take James and then drop him off home later. Roger got more time with him this way.

He wanted to make sure James kept his fluids up as well, with how little he ate he needed to at least keep hydrated and he had a few snacks in his backpack in case he go hungry.

Roger kept drifting his eyes over to James as the band started to practise, of course they weren't anywhere near ask good as they normally were but they hadn't played together in almost a year since the tour they did was right after they did their last album last year. They had to practise to get better and they were confident that they would be as good as usual or even better within the week or so.

Leaning down to his right, Roger grabbed the water bottle resting near his seat as he watched Freddie head over to talk to James for a while since they were taking a break. His head turned as he started to have a drink, looking up at Brian who was standing next to him, leaning against the wall behind the drumkit.

"How's Cath?" Brian suddenly questioned causing Roger to dip his head down as he placed the bottle back on the floor beside his seat.

He knew there would be a reason for Brian coming to talk to him and he had prayed that this wouldn't be the topic that Brian wanted to talk about. Cath was someone who worked at the studio in London they normally went to and all the boys knew that Roger had been out with her a few times but to Roger, it wasn't that simple.

He wasn't looking for a relationship.

"Okay I think, I haven't talked to her in a week or so." Roger shrugged his shoulders, watching carefully as he noticed the change in Brian's eyes and stance as he seemed to frown.

Brian wanted Roger to find someone, he wanted him to be in a relationship because although he knew Roger didn't need someone to rely on, he knew the drummer had always liked being in relationships. He liked someone to talk to, someone to challenge him on his views and to talk to about music or politics. Roger was always one who used to want to be with someone and since (Y/n) passed away Roger hadn't been with someone seriously. He had had the occasional fling here and there but not a relationship.

"Don't do that." Roger huffed, leaning his head back against the wall as he twirled his drumstick between his fingers.

"What?"

"Pout like I just turned you down for a date. I know you want to 'fix me' Bri, but I don't want to be with Cath."

Brian seemed to have a desire to fix things for people and although that was a good trait to have, Roger didn't want to be fixed. He didn't want a relationship because he wanted (Y/n) and he could never have her back. Cath was nice, she liked politics and music and she worked close to him which was a good sign but she wasn't (Y/n). She hadn't been his best friend for ten years, she hadn't been that person that knew Roger inside out, she wasn't the girl he had an affair with. She wasn't the one who passed away having his child.

Roger was pining over someone he couldn't have and even though Roger was getting over the sorrow and the desperation to have (Y/n) back, he didn't want a relationship.

He had been married and it didn't work out, he finally got to be with the person he loved and she passed away. He didn't want any more heartbreak because he wouldn't recover and he didn't want a relationship that he had no time for and that he didn't need to sustain him. He was fine being single with the occasional one night stand here and there.

"I don't want to fix you Rog, I want to see you happy. You think you don't deserve a relationship because of (Y/n) and you think you can't be in one because of James-"

"There's a difference between believing I don't deserve one and believing I don't want one. (Y/n) was it for me, if I can't be with her then I'm fine just me and my boy." Roger wasn't drowning in sorrow and guilt that made him believe he didn't believe to be with anyone else in his life.

At one point, Roger did think that if he got into another relationship they would get hurt and he would feel more heartbreak. And another time he did believe he didn't deserve to be with anyone else because God had let him be with (Y/n) for such a short time before snatching her away. But now Roger knew everyone deserved to be with whoever they wanted but the difference now was that he didn't want that.

"And when James gets older?"

At the moment it was clear Roger was focusing on being a father to James which stole the time he had for being in a relationship. James was ill, he needed that extra bit of care that Roger was more than willing to give. If he was with someone he would have to explain how James had to have different medications, that he couldn't eat dairy, that he had to have all these different appointments and how he didn't want to go to school.

He would have to explain everything to them and they would have to realise James would always come first in every scenario. He would have to tell them how if James was ill Roger had routines and explain those routines. He would have to say that when James couldn't sleep or he was sick he laid with Roger and they chatted away or Roger just held him until he felt better or fell asleep.

Roger was both a parent and carer to James and it meant he didn't have time for a relationship and he didn't want one right now either.

"Brian, don't take this the wrong way but please stop. I've almost lost him twice and I can't feel that again, alright? He's everything to me so yes, I'm not looking for a relationship because I want to focus on him but when he's older I might want to be with someone or I might not. Right now it's me and him, no one else."

When James was born Roger thought he was going to lose him and he knew if he did he would be left on his own. He lost (Y/n), he couldn't lose his son as well. when James got pneumonia Roger came close to losing him again and he was not going to feel that again, he wouldn't allow it to happen. So he was focusing on making sure James was okay, he was healthy and he was happy. James never asked why Roger wasn't with a partner and James clearly loved being Roger's world and being at the centre of his world and Roger loved it too.

He didn't want anyone else in the mix at the moment, he just wanted it to be him and his boy. But Roger would admit he knew he wasn't always going to be caring for James. He would grow up and do his own thing and be his own person and Roger would never want anything else. Right now he wanted to get James to that point and when it happened Roger might look for a relationship.

When James got treatment at the hospital he always saw Dr Freeman but when he was simply having a check-up with the GP he saw Dr Harrow which was good, James didn't like talking to strangers or having to be around someone new. When they entered the room, Roger scooped James up and set him down on the blue seat much like a dentist's chair that was in the left corner of the room. He slipped James' bag from his shoulders and set it down at his feet, having finally managed to get James to wear a new bag instead of the old one which had been falling apart. The old bag had been black with the Queen logo in the middle in silver writing but the new one was very much the same style simply with the colours inverted. Queen in black with the bag being a vibrant mercury shade of silver.

"Good morning, so how are you feeling today James?" Dr Harrow questioned as he got up from his desk and walked over to where James was sitting, earning a nod and a small smile but no words. The little boy simply looked to Roger, wanting him to answer instead like he always seemed to do.

"He's got a bad chest and he's wheezing a bit."

"Okay, well let's pop you on the scales and we'll check your chest out in a moment."

Roger set him back down to his feet, moving to lean against the wall as James followed him before moving to stand on the scales next to the door. His eyes went to Dr Harrow who had gotten a sheet from his desk to fill in. He smiled kindly as he looked at the weight at the bottom of the scales before jotting it down onto his paper. Moving his hand, he motioned for James to stand next to the measure, recording his height which Roger already knew was rather small for his age. But it wasn't something Roger really worried about because he had been short when he was James' age.

"Still rather skinny for his age but that's understandable, I don't think we'll class that as a problem at the moment." His nose crinkled as he dismissed the minor note that couldn't really be acted upon at the moment.

James had been born premature and he had eating problems, being underweight was something that had always come up at appointments and it was never something that changed or really could be changed. James couldn't eat dairy and he had IBS from not eating regularly or enough, Roger made sure he ate little and often but his weight wasn't going to change at this moment in time.

"Okay, can you lie down on here for me and we'll check your tummy."

Turning to his left, James held his arms out to Roger who couldn't help but smile, quickly and effortlessly setting James on the bed that he laid down on. His eyes following the doctor as he lifted James' shirt up before gently pressing down on his stomach at various areas.

"Oh, ticklish I see." James pulled his knees up as his arms went near his stomach as he giggled. "Is he still taking the IBS tablets?" He asked, turning his head to look at Roger who nodded.

None of the medication James had taken had been stopped or he had stopped taking. Roger had been told that when James got a bit older he would be moved onto different concentrations of medication but that would be when he was around ten or twelve so that was a while away yet. None of James' problems had gone away or had gotten better on their own so his meds were still very much needed.

"Okay, that's fine. Right, you sit up and we'll do a peak flow test." Dr Harrow smiled gently when James huffed, that was the thing he didn't like when he came for an appointment.

They had to check on how his asthma was and see if he was still a priority or if they needed to change the steroids in his inhaler or keep things the same. A peak flow test was simply breathing as much and as quickly as he could into a small tube three times to see what number he got. The higher the number the better his breathing was but James always got a lower number especially when it was calculated by his age, height and weight.

"I think you know how this works."

James drifted his eyes to Roger who nodded that he needed to do this, watching as he took the white rectangular device from the doctor and held a deep breath before blowing into the small funnel. He watched Dr Harrow write down the number before he repeated the action another two times before handing back the device. Catching back his breath but his chest felt like it was crackling as he tried to breathe deeply.

"Again, it's still rather low but if he has an infection that might explain it. We'll leave his prescription as it is for now."

The peak flow test always showed a small number because James' lungs had been underdeveloped when he was born and his airways had been smaller and restricted. His inhalers had always been the same, he hadn't had a lower dosage or a higher one and Roger agreed that it didn't need to change. They prevented asthma attacks and stopped them just fine and if James did have an infection now then it would screw with the test.

"Right, let's check those lungs." Reaching over to the table behind the bed, Dr Harrow grabbed a stethoscope. "Deep breaths, breathe in as much as you can."

He moved around so he was standing behind James, pressing the circular end against the left side of his back as James took a deep breath before he moved the end to listen to his right lung. Roger smiled when James locked eyes with him, clearly looking for some comfort or reassurance.

"Can you cough for me?" James felt like it was an odd request but he did as asked, feeling a slight burning in his chest which was nothing out of the ordinary.

Pulling back, Dr Harrow hung the stethoscope around his neck before ticking his head to the side indicating that he wanted a quick private word with Roger. The drummer narrowed his eyes as he walked over to the doctor, feeling his heart beginning to thud harshly against his ribs. This clearly wasn't anything good or just a little word of advice, James must have some kind of infection or something wrong. Roger folded his arms over his chest as he waited rather apprehensively to be told what was wrong.

"When he breathes his lungs don't seem to be expanding enough, I think there might be some fluid building up. It isn't something to panic about because he's breathing okay and he's not struggling but it will be best to get him checked over and remove the fluid if there is some."

He didn't want to panic Roger into thinking James was suffering as bad as he had done in the past but he also couldn't overlook this or think that it would go away. He didn't know if this was a bacterial infection and therefore antibiotics might not rid the fluid and nor did he want the hospital to pump James with antibiotics because he was very young and he could become resistant to them over time.

"I'll call the hospital so they know to expect you, but I'd suggest going today or at the latest tomorrow. The quicker he's checked out the better he'll be." If James went today then it meant if there was something wrong it would be sorted out before it could advance and get any worse and if there wasn't anything to worry about then Roger's mind could be set at ease.

"I'll take him now."

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Glancing his eyes into the room a few feet in front of him, Roger nodded his head in a silent question to check that James was alright. Watching his double nod his head as he took a few sips of his drink, his eyes latched onto Roger who was standing at the phone in the waiting area. His right arm resting against the phone box attached to the wall as his other hand held the phone to his ear. He looked a bit annoyed but he smiled when he looked over at James.

"Brian, I know the order of the songs and I'll work on the routine at home but I can't come in this afternoon."

The plan for the day had been to take James to his appointment and then head down to the music hall for practice. They had two weeks left and then they were going to be performing at Live Aid. They needed to get into shape because the band hadn't performed together in almost a year now. But with Dr Harrow suggesting James be taken to the hospital, Roger couldn't wait another day. James had today off from school and it was easier to get him seen to at the hospital now rather than take him out of school tomorrow and miss morning rehearsals.

Of course, the boys weren't best pleased that at such short notice, they were now going to go the full day rehearsing without their drummer and back up vocalist.

But Roger couldn't do anything else.

"James has to be here and you know I don't have anyone else to take him at the moment. You all know that I want to do this concert but James comes first, that's the fucking reason I keep saying I need a break. I'll be in tomorrow."

James didn't like going to the hospital, the only way Roger could get him to go was to promise he wouldn't leave him there alone or leave him with someone else. Roger's family didn't live in London and (Y/n)'s parents and him weren't on the best of terms. Roger only really trusted himself to look after James and that meant he took him to all his appointments and gave him his meds and such.

Roger wanted this concert to go well, it was for a great cause and it would be the band's first concert in a long while. But at the end of the day, James was his main priority he came first for Roger and this concert had to come second. The reason they kept taking breaks from making albums and not doing tours was because Roger either couldn't take James on tour or he had to care for him and an album would get in the way.

All of the band got enough out of the royalties from their other albums that they weren't making music for the money, it was simply for the pleasure. But Roger had to balance things out and taking care of James clashed with being in the studio.

Hanging up the phone, Roger took a moment to catch his breath before he moved over and walked back into James' room.

They'd been in the hospital for just over three hours now, they'd had to sit and wait in the waiting room for Dr Freeman to be available and then Roger had to wait further for James to have an MRI and a chest x-ray. Now the pair of them were waiting for the results to come back and Roger remembered he had to call the music hall to let the boys know that he wasn't coming in today.

He understood that they all needed to be at the music hall because it wasn't a question of if they could play the songs, it was a question of if they could play together again and find their groove. Roger kind of needed to be there for that to happen but he couldn't right now. He would get up on that stage in two weeks and just blunder through and wing the whole thing if he had to but James was his priority.

"How are we both today?" Dr Freeman questioned with a smile as he entered the room, looking between them as he felt like he was looking at Roger and a younger version of the drummer, their eyes were the catching feature as they looked so similar.

"Tired." Roger responded when James smiled but said nothing as expected.

"I see, well I have one more test to do today and then you can both get some rest. I'm afraid this one might be a bit uncomfortable."

Dr Freeman walked over to the trolley on the right side of the room, pulling it over to the bed as he put on some plastic gloves before looking at the pair of them. James looked very unhappy as he shuffled closer to Roger who simply wrapped him up in a comforting hug to tell him it was okay.

"There's a build-up of fluid, I'm going to have to drain it and test it to see if it is an infection or not. Okay, can you pull your shirt up for me?"

Roger kissed the top of James' head to try and calm him down, knowing this was the kind of thing that he hated coming here for. He'd had a needle in his lung before and it made him squirm and panic like mad and it did hurt but it had to be done. James looked down as he rolled his shirt up and bunched it just under his arms, watching Dr Freeman nod calmingly as he smiled to try and stop him from panicking.

Reaching over, Roger turned James' head so they were looking at one another, not wanting him to cry by seeing the needle.

"You'll be fine, you're such a brave boy."

James latched his arms around Roger's bicep, closing his eyes as he held his breath to stop himself from hyperventilating. Trying to stay deadly still in preparation but he couldn't help but jolt at the burning pain as he let out a sharp cry, trying his best to stay still as Roger held him in place. Wincing as he saw the needle pressing through between two of James' ribs to get to his lung. The little boy's breathing differed from deep to shallow as he started to wheeze either from his chest already being tight and sore or from the pain of the needle.

A sob left his lips as he snapped his eyes tightly closed, pushing himself into Roger who made sure he stayed still, repeatedly kissing his forehead to calm him down.

"Daddy..."

"It's okay, you're almost done." Leaning over, Roger watched the fluid drain from his lungs into the needle. Slightly confused at the colouring as it was a very pale distilled yellow rather than a dusty white or even a clear liquid like he had been expecting.

"This looks like lymph fluid." Dr Freeman commented quietly as he slowly removed the needle from James' skin. Taping some cotton wool over the puncture wound as James whimpered, burrowing himself further into Roger.

"Why is it in his lungs?" Roger asked quietly, his heart increasing at the apprehension in the doctor's eyes that showed he didn't want to give an answer. Roger had taken biology and he couldn't think of many harmless or good reasons for there to be that kind of fluid in his lungs when it should be in his lymph nodes and the lymph vessels, not filling up his lungs so he couldn't breathe.

"It could be lymphoma."

Roger felt like his heart had burst out of his chest as he found himself holding James tighter to his chest. Thankful his boy was too busy focusing on the pain to listen to their conversation or notice Roger's shift in mood.

"Give us a minute." Roger asked quietly, his eyes drifting between Dr Freeman and the nurse standing with him. Both of them nodding before silently leaving the room so Roger could persuade James that this had to happen and waiting wasn't going to do anything. Taking a deep breath, Roger sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching over to try and pick James up but he seemed to turn to jelly in an attempt to stop Roger from moving him. "Don't do that. I thought you wanted a cuddle?"

James lifted his head up so he was looking at Roger through waves of tears, sniffing before he eventually nodded. He let go of the pillow he was holding as he slowly pushed himself so he was sitting up before slowly crawling over to Roger.

"I don't want to." James mumbled quietly, trying to breathe deeply but it wasn't working.

Dr Freeman had suggested that they do a biopsy of a lymph node to see whether James did have lymphoma or not and that meant another needle punctured through under his arm and he didn't want that. James hated needles and he had already been told they were going to have to drain his lungs again before they put him on medication that would stop the fluid from building in his lungs in the first place. James didn't want to go through the procedures and they couldn't put him under anaesthetic either.

"I know baby but you're not very well and we have to find out why. If they don't do these tests they can't help you." Roger couldn't tell James it was okay not to do the tests. It was fine for him to be afraid but he had to have these done because they had to know if this was cancer or if it was something else.

"But it hurts." He whispered quietly, tilting his head up to look at Roger who tightened his arms around him. Kissing his temple as there was nothing that he could say that would make it any better or take the pain away from him.

"It will hurt more if you don't do this and I'm not going to leave you I promise. Do you think you can do this for me buddy, please?" A swell of relief surged through Roger when James whimpered but nodded, hugging the drummer tighter as if to make sure that he wasn't going to go anywhere. Roger knew if he left the room James wouldn't go through with the procedures, he wanted Roger to stay with him and calm him down and the drummer would most certainly comply with that request.

Roger was desperate for James to do this test because he had to know himself if this was cancer or not. James seemed to have one bad thing wrong after another and Roger didn't want to add cancer to the list.

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Roger stared up at the cream coloured ceiling as he gently trailed his fingers through James' hair. Brushing the light ash blond strands from the little boy's eyes who was finally asleep. James hadn't been happy about the needles puncturing into his armpit and then the one going into his lung to drain the fluid but he was relieved to be able to feel like he was breathing properly again.

The little boy wasn't wheezing for breath anymore, he wasn't struggling to take in a breath, there was no quaking in his chest or a feeling of his lungs not expanding enough. He was breathing better now and that made it easier to go to sleep. He had taken off the oxygen tube from his nose, not wanting the feeling that made his throat go dry.

The drummer didn't know what time it was, he simply knew that it was sometime in the afternoon and he hadn't called the band today to tell them he wasn't going to be at rehearsals. James had had the procedures late last night and Roger had spent the night trying to calm him down and get him to sleep but his lungs had only just started to feel better and clear now. So he had only just gone to sleep an hour ago.

Roger knew he should have called the boys because they were expecting him today but then again they knew if he didn't turn up then he would still be at the hospital with James. And right now he didn't care what they said or how angry they were that he didn't turn up because he couldn't leave James and he had to know what was wrong with him. If it was any of the other boys who had an ill child Roger would understand them not being able to go to rehearsal so he was hoping that they would understand his situation.

Drifting his eyes from the ceiling to the window, Roger felt his chest tightening when he saw Dr Freeman approaching the room. A silent exchange passed between them before Roger slowly leaned to the left to move James. The little boy had fallen asleep on his chest like he had done so many times throughout the years and Roger didn't want to wake him. The drummer was skilled at moving James without waking him up.

He gently settled James down on his side on the bed, kissing his temple before he slowly eased himself off the bed. Roger pulled the cover over James before he walked out of the room, feeling a wave of tiredness wash over him as he simply wanted to lie back down and go to sleep.

Roger followed Dr Freeman over to the small and deserted waiting room across from James' room. He sat down opposite the doctor he had known for years, his heart thumping against his chest as he begged to be given a completely different diagnosis to the one he had been thinking about since the moment the doctor said it. Sitting down, Roger rested his elbows on his knees as he stooped over, his eyes locking with the doctor's as he was silently begging for good news.

James deserved so much more than this.

"He has lymphoma."

Roger felt his chest sinking inwards like a balloon deflating in his chest as he wanted to be sick. He wanted to scream, to lash out and punch the wall or demand that the tests be done again and again until they gave him a diagnosis that he could cope with. But Roger knew he couldn't do any of that. No matter what had been wrong with James he had always kept a level head but this was so much harder.

He wanted (Y/n).

He wanted her to be here by his side to tell him how he was meant to get both himself and James through this. He wanted her to be here because she always made everything better. She made it seem possible to do anything and she made Roger feel calm and at ease. She would make James feel loved and calm and like he was going to be okay even if she wasn't sure that would be the case. (Y/n) had given her life for James but she did that thinking that he would be okay. Her sacrifice shouldn't have been made just so James could have a life of suffering.

A life where he had to deal with constant infections and the inability to breathe. A life where he had to deal with stomach pains that made him scream and cry and shake and sweat. Pains that made him blackout. He shouldn't have to walk around with a bag full of medication or have to be on a diet so he didn't get ill. He shouldn't have to go to a school where they had to cater to his many needs because he was sick.

James should be a normal child with next to no medical problems. A child that didn't spend half his life in a hospital where he had almost died more than once. He should be going to school and making friends and having fun and be able to go out and play sports or do whatever he wanted. He should be a child with a mother.

"Why are you telling me this?" Roger's tone showed he was being rhetorical, he didn't expect an answer to a question that came out shattered.

The drummer pressed his hands to his face as he tipped his head back, slouching in the chair as his foot started to tap rapidly against the tiled floor. Roger wanted to go home, he wanted to take his boy home and cradle him like he was still the tiny baby he had first brought home. He wanted to take James to (Y/n)'s apartment and settle him to sleep there and wake up to find everything the way it should have been in the first place.

"Believe me, I know this is not the result we wanted but it is the easiest form of cancer to treat and cure. We found this extremely early, James has the best chances of getting treatment and being rid of this."

Knowing this was easy to treat wasn't taking the edge off because it was still cancer and James still had it. Being told he didn't have cancer at all was what would make everything okay for Roger.

"So how do you treat it?" Roger may have known what lymphoma was but he didn't know how it was treated. It wasn't a tumour or a clot or a lump it was fluid, he didn't see how to treat.

"The lymph cells in his body are forming in a different shape and they're causing build-ups in the vessels. Some of the fluid has pushed out into his lungs because of this so we need to target the area of the build-up. But the treatment I would usually prescribe is something I don't think I can do for James." If there was a blockage in the vessels the fluid would either just build up like a traffic jam or it would squeeze through the walls and go somewhere else like it had done for James.

Narrowing his eyes, Roger felt as if his own lungs were going into overdrive as he clasped his hands together on his lap. Digging his nails into the backs of his hands as he tried not to scream or have a breakdown. This was an easy thing to treat and they had clearly caught it early on, why was it so hard to treat for James? Why was he so different?

James was all Roger had.

He was the only thing in the world that meant something and everything to the drummer, the band and their music was nothing in comparison to his boy. James was also the last thing Roger had that was connecting him to (Y/n). She had died and her flat simply wasn't enough over the years but James was, he was living, breathing and talking, he was a mini version of both himself and (Y/n) and that meant Roger still had a live connection to her. He couldn't lose him now or ever.

"Why not?"

"Early stage of lymphoma would usually be treated with chemo which destroys the bone marrow which makes the blood and the immune system which James doesn't have very much of in the first place. If we give him chemo he'll have no defence against infections so he'd either catch an infection and get worse or we'd have to keep him in a sterile room for all treatment."

Chemotherapy was harsh on the body and it destroyed good cells as well as the bad ones. But James was compromised with his immune system anyway because his system was weakened and made him prone to infection. If he had chemo then he would simply get the little defence he had destroyed and he would catch an infection or they would have to keep him in the hospital for treatment which was done over a course of two or more months. That wasn't treatment they should be giving him because it was more dangerous than the cancer he now had.

"So what the fuck can you do?" Roger spoke slowly but his tone was volatile, if they couldn't do that what else could they do that would actually work?

"Sometimes we'd treat with chemo and radiotherapy, but with his age and his immune system, radiotherapy on its own would have to be the case."

"Would that work?" If chemotherapy was the main treatment to be given, surely giving him radiotherapy on its own wouldn't be as effective even if it would save his immune system from being shattered to pieces. Roger wouldn't put him through that if it was going to have little to no outcome but there was no way he could give him chemo either.

"His cancer is in one place in his lungs and it is early stages. We can do radiotherapy and save his immune system and it should work. If the cancer doesn't go away or it comes back we can try again but treat with steroids as well. I can't sign him for chemo with the risks it holds but radiotherapy is less evasive and it is effective." It wasn't the ideal treatment and it would normally be combined with chemo to make sure the cancer was destroyed but in this case, it would be James' best option.

"When would you have to start the treatment?"

"Treatment is roughly for an hour a day, Monday to Friday so I'll sign him up to start next week. It has to be now so it doesn't get any worse." He didn't want to start James in the middle of the week since it was Tuesday now but he wanted him to be started as soon as possible because it would take a few weeks to complete the treatment. The quicker they started the higher the chances were of it being cured.

"Okay- we don't tell him it's cancer. For all he knows its an infection." When Dr Freeman nodded, Roger pushed himself to his feet to go back into the room. They would sort out the dates and times for treatment later, for now he wanted to be with his boy.

Roger felt his mind start to spin as he tried to comprehend what was happening and what was going to happen now.

He was going to have to tell the boys, they thought after Live Aid an album might be on the table but Roger couldn't commit to that with James being ill. How were they going to do rehearsals if James had to be at the hospital every day and he liked Roger to be there with him? How were they going to do the concert if they couldn't practise enough beforehand?