3.11.18 - (Pretending I'm) Studying for my exam in a week.

4.11.18 - (Un)Productivity or how I tried to do everything but studying.

10.11.18 - Got my handball referee licence !

Intense studying here. Studied biomecanics of the back and then quizz each other with my gf.

was on sick leaveLet’s just say it began badly. 

My mentor -who was only 3 years older than me- was really an ass. He belittled me in front of patient, asking why I wasn’t participating in a private conversation they were having or stuff like this. The first two weeks were really hard. I wasn’t confident doing anything and I felt oppressed. I wasn’t my normal self. 

When I finally decided to take the matter on hand and ask for responsability it turned badly. I turned my head a second and here there was my patient falling on the floor. So yeah, really it began badly. 

I cried. Every night. For no reason. Even when I was back to my normal self. Even when I had a few patients of mine and they were all singing my praises. I cried. Because fuck this guy was always asking to be outgoing like him or to be like him where really he shouldn’t ask this. He talked badly to patient who didn’t do as he planned and he was seriously lazy. 

I cringed my teeth and tried to do my best. I studied basic anatomy stuff he loved and read about new techniques to impress him. I fled whenever I could with another mentor. 

Finally, I was saved because he was on sick leave my last three weeks and it felt good. I got his patient and was completely mentor-free, I planned my day and it was the best (even though it was basic stuff like knee/hip/shoulder prothesis). It also change how the staff perceived me. At the end of my internship, they told me some really nice things and they proposed me a job (and a possible scholarship for a PhD). 

This year, everything will be different. I’ve decluttered my desk, sorted my notes and catch up on the classes I’ve missed (or skipped tbh). 

This year needs to be different. No more about depression and/or bipolar disorder. I’ll do my best to treat it but that’s not an excuse anymore. Life is hard and life doesn’t care I have it. 

I’m not ready. I should have study and review my notes in anatomy. But well, I couldn’t nourish my bank account and my brain. And actually my summer job as a massage therapist made me realize that I’m really not a people person when bored. Because it was fucking boring. And I had a lot of time to think, and I did. I’ve always known I wanted to do research. Even though I didn’t really know what it was, when I was seven I told everybody I’ll be a neuroscientist. I’ve always love the brain and its mystery. And a path cleared up and I think I can see something. I can use both of my degrees to be a research scientist, do psychology and applied it into rehabilitation. That could be okay. That could make me happy. I think. I hope. 

But anyway, I need an amazing record when I’ll graduate to be accepted for a PhD abroad. 

So let’s have some rules : 

- STUDY. Not in bed. Real desk studying. Open your books once a day, even to review something. So 30 minutes a day won’t kill you. Be prepared for your next class. And exam. And please, get your notes clean and ready, and read them at least by the week end after the class. You’ll be happy to have done that. 

- CONCENTRATE. I know it’s very hard to stay focus because you don’t care. Well right now, I don’t either. You’ll put an app on your tablet blocking the internet and listen to the speaker. You’ll thanks me later. 

- PRACTICE. Your job isn’t all-brainy, you need to build muscle memory and be effective and confident in your movements. Soon enough, you’ll have patients and you don’t want to look like an imbecile. 

- BE FUCKING SOCIAL. Please ? Show up to a dinner or a party for once. Stop being lazy please. I know you like your solitude but heck, do this twice a month. That’s nothing and you’ll meet people.  

- YOU’RE YOUR OWN MASTER. You don’t care about the mean girls in your sports team. Find your voice and use it to tell them to mind their own business.

Day 20/100 - Transforming a bad day in a productive one.

Days 24 & 25/100 - When productivity is there.

Woke up on Saturday earlier than planned. I was a true adult by doing laundry, dishes and pet grooming. I studied for my practical exam in two weeks, my upcoming exam in physiology and review my notes on my applied anatomy presentation for tomorrow. Then I went to my handball game. Won the thing. -not thanks to me mind you- And the day was done.

Today, same thing. I have no idea if I’m actually becoming an early bird. I did my share of chores once again; food preparation for the week. I studied again. And again and again.