Autism and Physical Aggression: When Love Hurts
If you are reading this, you are probably exhausted. You might be nursing a bruise on your arm or staring at a hole in the drywall. You might be terrified of the next phone call from school.
You love your child more than anything. You know they are sweet, funny, and capable of deep love. But when the switch flips—when the eyes glaze over and the hands start flying—you aren't Mom or Dad anymore. You are a target.
Physical aggression—hitting, kicking, biting, throwing objects—is the hardest part of autism parenting. It isolates you. It makes you fear your own child. It makes you feel like a failure.
Stop that thought right now.
At Tellos, we know that aggression is not a sign of a "bad" kid or a "bad" parent. It is a distress signal. It is a clumsy, dangerous tool used by a child who is drowning in frustration. Here is the tactical, no-nonsense guide to reducing challenging behaviors in children with autism and how ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) can help you get your safe home back.
The "Why": Aggression is a Tool, Not a Trait
First, we have to shift your mindset. Your child isn't hitting you because they want to hurt you. They are hitting you because it works.
In the world of ABA, we view behavior as communication. Imagine your child has a toolbox.
Most kids have a screwdriver (talking), a wrench (negotiating), and a hammer (hitting).
Your child might only have a hammer.
If they don't have the words to say, "I am overwhelmed by the lights," they use the hammer (scream/hit). And because you naturally back off to stay safe, the hammer "fixed" the problem. The lights stopped bothering them because you took them out of the room.
To stop the aggression, we have to figure out why they are swinging the hammer. Usually, it is for one of four reasons (The Functions of Behavior):
"I want that!" (Access): Hitting gets them the iPad back after you took it away. It’s effective.
"I don't want to do this!" (Escape): Biting gets them out of homework. If you send them to a timeout in their room, you just gave them exactly what they wanted—an escape from the math worksheet.
"Look at me!" (Attention): Throwing a toy makes you stop cooking dinner and look at them immediately. To a lonely child, even a scolding is better than being ignored.
"My body feels wrong." (Sensory/Pain): Head-banging might distract them from a toothache, a stomach ache, or the overwhelming hum of the refrigerator that only they can hear.
The Detective Work: The ABCs of Aggression
You cannot fix what you do not understand. To replace the hammer, we need to see exactly when they are using it.
ABA therapists use a simple tool called the ABC Data Sheet. You don't need a clipboard; you can do this on a napkin or your phone notes app.
A = Antecedent (The Trigger): What happened immediately before the hit? (e.g., You said "Time to turn off the TV").
B = Behavior (The Action): What exactly did they do? (e.g., Kicked your shin).
C = Consequence (The Result): What did you do? (e.g., You backed off and let them watch 5 more minutes to avoid a fight).
The Pattern: If you track this for three days, you will see the code.
Trigger: Transition away from screens.
Action: Kick.
Result: More screen time.
Lesson Learned: "Kicking buys me time."
Once you see the pattern, you stop guessing and start planning.
The Tactical Plan: Replacement, Not Just Removal
This is where traditional discipline fails. If you just punish the kicking (taking away the hammer) but don't give them a way to ask for more time (a screwdriver), they will just find a sharper tool (like biting).
The ABA Solution: We teach Functional Communication Training (FCT). We replace the dangerous tool (aggression) with a safe tool (communication).
The Scenario: Your child hits you to escape homework.
The New Tool: We teach them to hand you a "Break" card, sign "Stop," or press a button on a speech device that says "I need a break."
The Promise: When they use the card, we honor it immediately. We show them, "Hey, you don't have to hurt me to be heard. Just show me the card, and you get a break."
We make the words more powerful than the fists. Eventually, we teach them to wait, but in the beginning, the card must work like magic.
Crisis Management: What to Do RIGHT NOW
Prevention is the goal, but what do you do when the aggression is happening right now? You can't teach a lesson during a tornado. You just need to survive it.
Here is a standard 3-step crisis protocol used by professionals.
1. Safety First
Your only job right now is to keep everyone safe.
Clear the room: Get siblings and pets out immediately. They are not an audience.
Remove the danger: Move scissors, glass, or heavy objects out of reach.
Protect yourself: Turn your side to the child (it protects your vital organs). Wear long sleeves or arm guards if scratching is common. Do not engage in a physical power struggle unless absolutely necessary for safety.
2. Low-Arousal Response
This is the hardest part. You must be the calm anchor in their chaos.
Zip it: Do not lecture. Do not ask "Why are you doing this?" Do not say "Use your words." Their logical brain is offline. They physically cannot process language right now.
Neutral face: Keep your face blank. If you look angry, scared, or shocked, it feeds their anxiety. Be boring.
Wait: If they are not hurting themselves or others, simply wait. Let the energy wave crash. Silence is your shield.
3. The Reconnection
No apologies needed: Once they are calm, move on. They likely feel shame and confusion.
Return to the demand: This is crucial. If they hit you to get out of cleaning up, and you end up cleaning for them, aggression won. Once calm, guide them to pick up just one toy. We show them that hitting doesn't make the task go away, but asking for help does.
The Hardest Truth: The "Extinction Burst"
We need to warn you about the storm before the calm.
When you start changing the rules—when you stop letting aggression "work"—the behavior will often get worse before it gets better. This is called an Extinction Burst.
Think of a vending machine. You put your dollar in, press the button, and get a soda. One day, you put your dollar in, press the button, and... nothing. Do you walk away politely? No. You press the button again. You press it harder. You shake the machine. You kick it.
Your child is doing the same thing. "Hitting usually gets Mom to back off. Why isn't she backing off? I better hit HARDER."
This is a sign the plan is working. It means the child notices the change. You have to ride the wave. If you give in now—if you let them escape the task because they hit harder—you have just taught them to hit harder next time. Hold the line.
The Tellos Perspective: You Are Not Alone
Living with physical aggression creates a form of PTSD in parents. You flinch when your child moves too fast. You stop inviting friends over. You feel like a prisoner in your own home.
It does not have to be this way forever.
Aggression is treatable. We see it every day. Children who used to bite are now using talk-to-text apps to say "I'm mad." Children who threw chairs are now asking for squeeze hugs when they feel overwhelmed.
Our advice to you:
Don't wait. Aggression rarely gets better on its own. It usually evolves as the child gets bigger and stronger. Speed is care.
Get a Safety Plan. Ask your BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst) for a written crisis plan so every adult (Grandma, babysitter) knows exactly what to do.
Forgive yourself. You are doing the hardest job on the planet. You will make mistakes. That is okay.
You deserve to feel safe in your home. Your child deserves a voice that doesn't hurt.
