#phough

Oh THANKS comic book. Now I have that god damned Smash Mouth song in my head. Some-BODY once told me, blah-blah-blah-blah-choad-toe … (X-Factor #42 – July 1989)

i mean, he’s a pretty big dude. the odds of laughing in the face of your defiance? pretty good. he’s also laughing pretty thoroughly in the torso of your defiance.

Ok, so here is what this comic book is about. X-Factor fly to the UK to save a teenaged mutant named Alchemy (who has the power to alter the molecular structure of anything he touches) because a bunch of trolls who are famous throughout history such as the Yeti and the Abominable Snowman kidnapped him because get this they want to use his power to turn everything in London into gold thereby deflating the value of gold in the world economy which would send society into chaos and cause all the people to flee London so then the magical beings can rule it again like in the fairy tales and the really obnoxious thing about all this is these fucking GOOF NOBODIES are able to subdue all of the original X-Men after about 3 minutes of fighting. This is why Hulk Hogan wouldn’t let anyone beat him in professional wrestling. Because it devalues the brand. (X-Factor #42 – July 1989)

This was the first X-Factor comic I ever bought as it was current on the comic stands back in 1989 (that is, the first issue that wasn’t a back issue). I remember it being… pretty boring. SEE STAN, THIS IS WHY WE DON’T LET FANS DESIGN COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS. I KNOW YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS SINCE JACK LEFT AND YOU’D RATHER BE DOING A LINE OF COCAINE OFF A HOOKER’S BUTTHOLE INSTEAD OF WORKING ON A COMIC BOOK BUT SINCE YOU WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT HOW YOU CREATED SPIDER-MAN AND ALL THE AVENGERS AND THE X-MEN MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE LIKE A 10 MINUTE BREAK FROM DOING SHROOMS IN THE BOILER ROOM WITH EMMANUEL LEWIS AND TRY TO SHAKE LOOSE SOME OF THAT FANTASTIC FOUR MAGIC YOU’RE SO PROUD OF SO WE DON’T HAVE TO COME UP WITH A 12 ISSUE STORY ARC ABOUT SOME CHARACTER CREATED BY AN EIGHT YEAR OLD. LIKE, DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE GALACTUSES IN THERE? MAYBE A DAREDEVIL OR A DOCTOR DOOM? ACCORDING TO YOU, YOU USE TO SHIT TRIPLE A COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS IN THE 1960s LIKE YOU WERE ON UNICORN LAXITIVES. HOW COME YOU CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE STAN. HMM? HOW COME YOU CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE. (X-Factor #41 – Jun 1989)

Where are the New Mutants when you need them. (X-Factor #41 – Jun 1989)