#phoetus

To my mother: 

Thank you so so so much. for being who you are, for selflessly sacrificing so many things for us, for me.

I don’t agree with a considerable number of choices you made, or how you chose to manage some things. Right now I still cannot bring myself to forgive and forget, and I still feel bitter and angry on some days. But those days come by less often now, and when they do I don’t feel as angry. however, there’s still a strong bitter aftertaste - i don’t think I can see myself letting go, even if it comes at the cost of your true happiness (please forgive me for this, I am so sorry)

Regardless, I know that you are a fighter, and that you have been fighting for most of your life. I know you are very, very strong; but I also know that on some nights, you still cry yourself to sleep. 

I don’t know how to help you. I feel like whatever I do just makes your life tougher than it needs to be - how do you help solve a problem when you are one? all i think I can do is to ask you to wait a little longer - wait for the day when I can stand on my own, when I let you take a well deserved break. 

I’ve said this before, and I’m never going to stop saying it: you are my hero. 

27/07/18 0500

I had a conversation with a friend where she causally mentioned that my walls are up quite high - i (without thinking too much) agreed with her. 

I know this about myself, and the people closest to me know this about me. they are the few that’s allowed in my inner circle, the people who have earned their spot (with time or with force), and for whom I will fight fiercely for. 

but even in this circle, there are some things I hesitate to say. I’m not entirely sure why but I’ve convinced myself that it’s not because I’m afraid of their judgement; but because I’m not sure if these thoughts are my own(?)

my thoughts and emotions are never really clear, and I’m not saying that everyone else’s are. maybe others are just able to express it much better. I think all I can manage is a feeble grunt. lol. 

maybe that’s why I admire these friends so much as well / how they can articulate their thoughts and just freely emote / how they are not guarded, how they allow themselves to be vulnerable - which is something I am still struggling to do. 

21/06/18 2300

- April 19th and how it might have shaped my beliefs on people and relationships 

- April 19th and how I’ve been dealing with it/ignoring it even after all this time 

- on my own selfish needs or inability to move on/forgive to allow more happiness to my loved ones, (more than I could ever give them) 

- end 2011 and how it made me more skeptical and less open to the people around me 

- filial piety and how to manage this state of limbo

- mourning the loss of my ‘old self’ and not being satisfied with the person I am now, but also being quite alright with being incomplete. mostly feeling jaded

- and the recurring thought that I am not good enough to receive love, and that it is miraculous that I have already received much more than I deserve

- also thankful that my family has given me the chance to think that everything is a possibility; for not being constrained or held back; for the freedom I have in making my own decisions. I recognise that this is a privilege and I am beyond grateful - something that I want to remind myself daily 

          *sweats nervously* "Errm... "