#phloopyposting

Me and my accomplice @apollos-constant-crisis made the tumblr vanilla extract cake in excruciating detail. We made two cake batters, one interpreting the original post’s percents as an expression of the total mass, and another as an expression of the total volume. Our recipe for the percent-total-mass cake was:

9g butter

7.9g sugar

8.9g eggs (yolk and whites blended)

17.2g flour

6.9g milk

5.8g baking powder

44.3g vanilla extract

Our recipe for the percent-total-volume cake was as follows:

2 1/8 tsp butter

1 7/8 tsp sugar

1/4 cup blended eggs

5 tsp flour

1 7/8 tsp milk

1 5/8 tsp baking soda

9 tsp vanilla extract

Yall.

When I tell you this thing sucked. Oh dear baby Jesus in heaven. Yall. Never again.

The batter for both was approximately the consistency of snot. The percent-total-volume cake batter specifically *bubbled* like a sourdough starter does. Absolutely sickening. Baking them did not make them any better— instead, they congealed into rubbery hockey pucks of misery. Caressing their cursed forms was like touching that spongy rubber that new-age almond mom playgrounds floors are made of.

And then I ate it.

My first bite of the percent-total-volume cake was hellish. It was still piping hot, and so all of the trapped alcohol vapors streamed out and filled my airways. I later remarked to my accomplice that it felt like I was a dragon exhaling fire. 0/10 experience, absolute sensory nightmare

It tasted just awful too. Not sweet at all, very vanilla-y, and extremely bitter from the alcohol and baking powder. The percent-total-mass cake tasted less vanilla-y than the other one, but still was inexcusably bad.

There is more, though. For the last few months I’ve been getting together with friends and making them watch Evangelion. Last night, we watched episodes 22, 23, 24, and End of Evangelion. I also brought home the battered corpse of both vanilla extract cakes so that I could subject my friends to them as their minds were being melted. Their reactions to the cakes were as follows:

One had a tiny piece and it ruined their appetite for the rest of the night

Another one had a large piece and proceeded to throw up violently in my toilet. Don’t worry I warned him this would happen.

Final friend actually LIKED THEM and ATE THE REST. Mind you, over 60 percent of BOTH was left over by the time he got his perverted, masochistic hands on them, and he proceeded to EAT THE REST THROUGH THE MOVIE. HE ATE. THE REST. THROUGH END OF EVANGELION.

Yes that was an Artemis reference.

Various assorted pictures of my sin against reality. The full hockey puck you see was the percent-total-volume cake (which we made two of because there was too much batter), and the half-hockey puck is the percent-total-mass cake (which had only one made, so it had to be halved for me and my accomplice)